falling, yes im falling ... i just seen a face
You can travel the world
But you can't run away
From the person you are in your heart
So I missed out on homecoming & went to Jersey to be with Andy for the weekend. I had a great time.. it was totally worth it. But you see this is just a journal entry for me more than anything else, im having so many issues with myself. I know I have family, and love ( andy ) and as for friends I know who is real & who isn't. But I'm not sure about many things that have to do with me. I've never felt this way before, I've always been so sure that I knew who I was & what I wanted & for the first time ever in almost 18 years I'm making myself confused.
Since my father died in Feb. everything in my life has changed rapidly. The pharse you loose some, you gain some as never been so real to me. I feel like I'm one of those kids who was forced to grow up a little early bcus of certain situtations I've had to deal with & I'm just not into what most kids at my age are. I go to day school, & night school, I work, I save all my money for god knows what, I try to do what it is I have to do. All this, all these great trips here, & there, punta cana, jersey, orlando.. but I'm not happy. It's not a case of what I do or do not have, bcus if there's one thing I'm sure of is that I'm not materialistic like that. For as long as I can remember whenever there was something big wrong with me my mother would send me somewhere, let me travel.. get my mind off things & it would work until I got back home. So whats the case now? Well I'm doing the traveling on my own, & it gives me a lot of time to think. I know there's some general subjects but there has to be more to it than just this.
I love my boyfriend, I love Andy with my all. He's been there for me so much, & when I'm in Jersey with him nothing else matter's at all. I feel untouchable when I'm with him & that's how it's suppose to be. Every realtionship has its up's & down's but these past 9 months have taught me so much, & made me a better, stronger person. He means the world to me & I don't care who knows. Now for the hard part with the way I've been feeling its been making things kinda YACK for us. He's trying to be there for me & I don't know what I feel so I sort of push him away, & when he doesn't try, I get upset. Its wrong of me & I know it. But I'm feeling emo all together, I'm not sure how to handle anything. Most of the time I just wish I had words to tell him just so I can get it out & he could know that it's not him, but it's so hard when most the time I don't even know why I'm crying. He's my bestfriend & I should be able to tell him anything, then why can't I ?
Now on to the subject of school. I'm a senior missing two credits, I'm currently in night school for one of them & I still need another, I'm going to fail english this year for sure bcus I have a teacher from hell & it sucks more than anyone could ever understand. I still have to do community service hours & don't know where to go. As if that isn't enough to worry about I don't know what I wanna study or what schoool to apply to. I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place cus everyone is watching me so closly to achieve all this. This school year sucks for me so much. I don't want to be there at all. There hasn't been one morning were I wake up & I say to myself that I'm actually excited to go & wait for whats ahead of me. This is my senior year, isn't it suppose to be the best year ever? If anyone knows whats suppose to be so great about it let me know bcus I'm missing a lot of it. My classes suck, my lunch sucks even more & I hardly see my friends. I always have TONS of homework & no time to do it. This whole school subject is really pissing me off.
So now onto the next subject that will uberly piss me off & make me want to scream.. friends. It's like a never ending drama with people you once considered super close to you. I feel like I'm a magnent & there's a force field out there just sending people & their drama's towards me. THANKS EARTH ! I know I'm not the best person out there, I too have my flaws & im not shy to admit. But when it comes to friendships I tend to put other's before me & how they would feel if, && no one does it for me in return. So the one time I think of me & want to do something for me, everyone has something to say or plan some spiteful action in return. Well fuck you all bitches. The Beatles & Rocky helped me through this, and well LET IT BE. What goes around comes around & with time you`ll get your's.
My family... well really my mom, bcus she's all i got. She's been going on trips, so thats why I've been having the chance to go see Andy as often as I have. She says she doesn't move away bcus of me & I'm not looking for schools out of miami bcus I won't leave her. I don't understand this, but whatever. Time will tell, & no use in trying to rush fate.. good things come to those who wait. RIGHT! Working at the store has really helped me getting closer to my family, being that they work there also. Its a good chance to bond since we all don't like being home & such. Which is another thing.. my house is huge & being her alone all the time really bites. At the same time I love it bcus its just me & i have nothing to hide, no reason to lower my music or have to run & hide if im crying. I get to scream & be me.
I've been on these I wanna be alone binges where everything tickles me the wrong way, & I just don't wanna deal with anyone. Where I can't get myself out of my bed bcus thats my safe place, with music on, covers over my head & my eyes closed. I don't know if its depression bcus I don't think I'm always sad. But some of these moments have gotten the best of me, I`ll admit. I don't even know how to explain most of them or what it is I actually feel at the moment, but it sucks... really bad. Whatever it is, I hope I snap out of it. I'm guessing I'm going through another one of those gay emotional changes where I'ma get a new outlook on everything, & hate the entire world until then. I really don't know.
This is pretty long & what I really wanted to write about I figured I shouldn't cus thats only feeding fuel to the fire & lets not even go there. So whatever. I'm hoping that after this & a good cry before going to sleep should make me feel a little better for the next few days.This is me & my ridiculous story, like it or leave it. It's who I am these days. Till next time.
<3
But you can't run away
From the person you are in your heart
So I missed out on homecoming & went to Jersey to be with Andy for the weekend. I had a great time.. it was totally worth it. But you see this is just a journal entry for me more than anything else, im having so many issues with myself. I know I have family, and love ( andy ) and as for friends I know who is real & who isn't. But I'm not sure about many things that have to do with me. I've never felt this way before, I've always been so sure that I knew who I was & what I wanted & for the first time ever in almost 18 years I'm making myself confused.
Since my father died in Feb. everything in my life has changed rapidly. The pharse you loose some, you gain some as never been so real to me. I feel like I'm one of those kids who was forced to grow up a little early bcus of certain situtations I've had to deal with & I'm just not into what most kids at my age are. I go to day school, & night school, I work, I save all my money for god knows what, I try to do what it is I have to do. All this, all these great trips here, & there, punta cana, jersey, orlando.. but I'm not happy. It's not a case of what I do or do not have, bcus if there's one thing I'm sure of is that I'm not materialistic like that. For as long as I can remember whenever there was something big wrong with me my mother would send me somewhere, let me travel.. get my mind off things & it would work until I got back home. So whats the case now? Well I'm doing the traveling on my own, & it gives me a lot of time to think. I know there's some general subjects but there has to be more to it than just this.
I love my boyfriend, I love Andy with my all. He's been there for me so much, & when I'm in Jersey with him nothing else matter's at all. I feel untouchable when I'm with him & that's how it's suppose to be. Every realtionship has its up's & down's but these past 9 months have taught me so much, & made me a better, stronger person. He means the world to me & I don't care who knows. Now for the hard part with the way I've been feeling its been making things kinda YACK for us. He's trying to be there for me & I don't know what I feel so I sort of push him away, & when he doesn't try, I get upset. Its wrong of me & I know it. But I'm feeling emo all together, I'm not sure how to handle anything. Most of the time I just wish I had words to tell him just so I can get it out & he could know that it's not him, but it's so hard when most the time I don't even know why I'm crying. He's my bestfriend & I should be able to tell him anything, then why can't I ?
Now on to the subject of school. I'm a senior missing two credits, I'm currently in night school for one of them & I still need another, I'm going to fail english this year for sure bcus I have a teacher from hell & it sucks more than anyone could ever understand. I still have to do community service hours & don't know where to go. As if that isn't enough to worry about I don't know what I wanna study or what schoool to apply to. I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place cus everyone is watching me so closly to achieve all this. This school year sucks for me so much. I don't want to be there at all. There hasn't been one morning were I wake up & I say to myself that I'm actually excited to go & wait for whats ahead of me. This is my senior year, isn't it suppose to be the best year ever? If anyone knows whats suppose to be so great about it let me know bcus I'm missing a lot of it. My classes suck, my lunch sucks even more & I hardly see my friends. I always have TONS of homework & no time to do it. This whole school subject is really pissing me off.
So now onto the next subject that will uberly piss me off & make me want to scream.. friends. It's like a never ending drama with people you once considered super close to you. I feel like I'm a magnent & there's a force field out there just sending people & their drama's towards me. THANKS EARTH ! I know I'm not the best person out there, I too have my flaws & im not shy to admit. But when it comes to friendships I tend to put other's before me & how they would feel if, && no one does it for me in return. So the one time I think of me & want to do something for me, everyone has something to say or plan some spiteful action in return. Well fuck you all bitches. The Beatles & Rocky helped me through this, and well LET IT BE. What goes around comes around & with time you`ll get your's.
My family... well really my mom, bcus she's all i got. She's been going on trips, so thats why I've been having the chance to go see Andy as often as I have. She says she doesn't move away bcus of me & I'm not looking for schools out of miami bcus I won't leave her. I don't understand this, but whatever. Time will tell, & no use in trying to rush fate.. good things come to those who wait. RIGHT! Working at the store has really helped me getting closer to my family, being that they work there also. Its a good chance to bond since we all don't like being home & such. Which is another thing.. my house is huge & being her alone all the time really bites. At the same time I love it bcus its just me & i have nothing to hide, no reason to lower my music or have to run & hide if im crying. I get to scream & be me.
I've been on these I wanna be alone binges where everything tickles me the wrong way, & I just don't wanna deal with anyone. Where I can't get myself out of my bed bcus thats my safe place, with music on, covers over my head & my eyes closed. I don't know if its depression bcus I don't think I'm always sad. But some of these moments have gotten the best of me, I`ll admit. I don't even know how to explain most of them or what it is I actually feel at the moment, but it sucks... really bad. Whatever it is, I hope I snap out of it. I'm guessing I'm going through another one of those gay emotional changes where I'ma get a new outlook on everything, & hate the entire world until then. I really don't know.
This is pretty long & what I really wanted to write about I figured I shouldn't cus thats only feeding fuel to the fire & lets not even go there. So whatever. I'm hoping that after this & a good cry before going to sleep should make me feel a little better for the next few days.This is me & my ridiculous story, like it or leave it. It's who I am these days. Till next time.
<3