Love survives only when we are apart.
I've been reading about "How to cope with divorce" over the past few days. It seems that a popular emotion during a separation is the fear of the unknown (shocker). We plan our lives with these, significant others and when our lives are stripped of them how can we possibly go on? Their absence unravels our entire present and future. Or at least the perception of what we thought we had and what we thought we wanted.
I've read that it's okay to grieve. It's okay to to feel every emotion during the process of "moving on". I don't need permission to endulge in my emotions, but when is it going to stop? That's what I want to know. Give me a day and time to stop feeling these things. These awful, awful things. I just want to sleep. All I want to ever do anymore is sleep. It's the only time I don't feel alone in this. It's the only time I think we will survive this.
I'm not afraid of a future without him. I know all too well that lifes always goes on. I know I will be sucessful in all my endevors. I know I will secure a place for myself in this world. I know there will be more suitors and I know someone else will make me feel beautiful. I know someone else will think of me as their world. And those last two things are two things very absent from our marriage. So why would I agree to marry someone that I didn't think ever really loved me to begin with? Because I loved him. I loved someone. Holy shit-o batman, Kristen fucking loved someone. Kristen didn't just say it because it was obligatory, but because she actually meant it. Can I get a round of applause? I found out 3 years ago I was capable of feeling something for another human being!
So maybe I deserve this bitter end. Maybe for the countless times I've said 'I love you' when I didn't mean it I'm finally getting mine in return. Maybe I have to tell myself this is a punishment to make some kind of sense of things. Nothing makes sense anymore. I just miss him. I miss loving him. So you see, I don't miss the way he made me feel about myself, but I miss the way he made me feel about him. I miss loving. Loving. Love. How could I have been so god damn stupid?
I've read that it's okay to grieve. It's okay to to feel every emotion during the process of "moving on". I don't need permission to endulge in my emotions, but when is it going to stop? That's what I want to know. Give me a day and time to stop feeling these things. These awful, awful things. I just want to sleep. All I want to ever do anymore is sleep. It's the only time I don't feel alone in this. It's the only time I think we will survive this.
I'm not afraid of a future without him. I know all too well that lifes always goes on. I know I will be sucessful in all my endevors. I know I will secure a place for myself in this world. I know there will be more suitors and I know someone else will make me feel beautiful. I know someone else will think of me as their world. And those last two things are two things very absent from our marriage. So why would I agree to marry someone that I didn't think ever really loved me to begin with? Because I loved him. I loved someone. Holy shit-o batman, Kristen fucking loved someone. Kristen didn't just say it because it was obligatory, but because she actually meant it. Can I get a round of applause? I found out 3 years ago I was capable of feeling something for another human being!
So maybe I deserve this bitter end. Maybe for the countless times I've said 'I love you' when I didn't mean it I'm finally getting mine in return. Maybe I have to tell myself this is a punishment to make some kind of sense of things. Nothing makes sense anymore. I just miss him. I miss loving him. So you see, I don't miss the way he made me feel about myself, but I miss the way he made me feel about him. I miss loving. Loving. Love. How could I have been so god damn stupid?