(no subject)
well today was very tiring.
yesterday, i didn't go to school. i was not feelin good. then that night, my family headed up to oxford for my aunt's (dad's sister) visitation. she past away early sunday morning. then that night we spent the night with my grandmother on my mom's side. then this morning we went to my aunt's funeral. it was extremely emotional. especially watching my brothers. i finally got to talk with my second cousin's again that i used to be around constantly when i was growing up. i kept hearing all day today "you have a great family" "you have an amazing family" "this is the greatest family" and i think God wanted me to hear all that. today i realized just how amazing my family is. they are hilarious, sweet, caring. i love them. but never say nobody in family judges. they judge big time on the owen side. i guess that's where i get it. lol.
but i was really hard seeing joel. while we are reading scripture, singing praise songs, praying, saying "she's in a better place, she's in a better place" just looking at joel, i couldn't help but wonder......"what is the thinking??"
because he claims to be agnostic...what did he think of all this. did he believe it? does he still not believe in it? while everyone was singing "victory in jesus," i looked at hiim..and realized he was the only one not singing. even my little cousin was singing. joel didn't know the words. he stared at the floor the whole time. it absolutely broke my heart. and knowing my aunt vivian prayed all the time for him. she knew what position he was in. she knew his beliefs and how he felt about things. my parents kept saying "i have no doubt in my mind that vivian thought about joel and put things into her funeral for joel" she thought about him all the time. my aunt vivian is in heaven with Jesus. no more pain, no more sadness, no more nights, nothing but happiness, praise and being with her ultimate and heavenly perfect father. in a way im completely jealous. but im glad she's there. mrs connie is with her. they are singing together. but will i be able to say the same for joel when the day comes? that's scary for someone who loves Joel possibly more than anyone else on this whole entire earth.
seeing everyone sad today and seeing how everyone missed her...kinda made me feel bad. i remember prayin last week that God would take her soon. to take her from her hurt and this wretched earth. and take her home. ....he answered my prayer sunday morning. in a way, i felt bad...but i knew deep down it was what everyone wanted too.
today was a hard day. i'm extremely tired. and not ready to go to school tomorrow.
im not ready....
yesterday, i didn't go to school. i was not feelin good. then that night, my family headed up to oxford for my aunt's (dad's sister) visitation. she past away early sunday morning. then that night we spent the night with my grandmother on my mom's side. then this morning we went to my aunt's funeral. it was extremely emotional. especially watching my brothers. i finally got to talk with my second cousin's again that i used to be around constantly when i was growing up. i kept hearing all day today "you have a great family" "you have an amazing family" "this is the greatest family" and i think God wanted me to hear all that. today i realized just how amazing my family is. they are hilarious, sweet, caring. i love them. but never say nobody in family judges. they judge big time on the owen side. i guess that's where i get it. lol.
but i was really hard seeing joel. while we are reading scripture, singing praise songs, praying, saying "she's in a better place, she's in a better place" just looking at joel, i couldn't help but wonder......"what is the thinking??"
because he claims to be agnostic...what did he think of all this. did he believe it? does he still not believe in it? while everyone was singing "victory in jesus," i looked at hiim..and realized he was the only one not singing. even my little cousin was singing. joel didn't know the words. he stared at the floor the whole time. it absolutely broke my heart. and knowing my aunt vivian prayed all the time for him. she knew what position he was in. she knew his beliefs and how he felt about things. my parents kept saying "i have no doubt in my mind that vivian thought about joel and put things into her funeral for joel" she thought about him all the time. my aunt vivian is in heaven with Jesus. no more pain, no more sadness, no more nights, nothing but happiness, praise and being with her ultimate and heavenly perfect father. in a way im completely jealous. but im glad she's there. mrs connie is with her. they are singing together. but will i be able to say the same for joel when the day comes? that's scary for someone who loves Joel possibly more than anyone else on this whole entire earth.
seeing everyone sad today and seeing how everyone missed her...kinda made me feel bad. i remember prayin last week that God would take her soon. to take her from her hurt and this wretched earth. and take her home. ....he answered my prayer sunday morning. in a way, i felt bad...but i knew deep down it was what everyone wanted too.
today was a hard day. i'm extremely tired. and not ready to go to school tomorrow.
im not ready....