I haven't been this scared in a long time
I came to some sort of realization today. It was really depressing.
I don't know if you even read this anymore, you probably don't, but I still just wanted to say that I'm sorry. It was depressing because I realized that it wasn't all your fault. It's mine. ALL mine. And I'm a bitch. For some reason everything that has happened in the past year between us popped into my head and I realized how horribly I treated you. I obviously didn't do anything to purposely hurt you, but I know that I did. I regret it more than anything, but I was just confused, hey what else is new. I didn't know what I wanted and I didn't know how to handle it. I handled it the worst possible way I could. I was, and am still,scared of relationships. I don't know why, I just am. I'm scared of being locked down, trapped, "owned" by someone. I know, in reality, that is not the way a good relationship is. I know you would not have made me feel owned or trapped, but in my mind that is what constitutes a relationship. I began pushing you away because I felt bad that I wasn't being totally honest with you so I just avoided the issue at all costs, in turn, avoiding you. I picked you apart in every way I could because I thought that helped me somehow, but it didn't. I was scared to get closer to you because I knew that I was just going to end up hurting you even more, which I did. Then, when you hurt me, I went nuts. I thought you were an asshole for treating me that way and I hated you. Now I realize that the whole thing was my fault. Yes, I did tell you right from the start that I didn't want a boyfriend, but then when we got more serious I admit it did seem like we were a definite couple. For someone who prides herself on her honesty you would think I would have been better at it with you. The truth is, I don't hate you and I don't blame you for doing what you did. I still don't like it and I definetly didn't want it to happen, but now, I really do understand. I ignored you for about a month. I never called, I was bitchy when I did. Then, I break down and tell you the truth about everything and that I do not want a relationship, and THEN, like, that same night, I instantly regret it and am all crying and telling you how much you mean to me. I freaked because I thought I was going to lose you and because I was SO CONFUSED. Then, a few weeks later, you broke my heart. You said it was because you were also confused because I didn't want a relationship and since we had not been talking much things were starting to change. You're right, they did change. But by the time you broke everything off they were all better again, to me at least. I was realizing what a great guy you really were and how much I had been fucking it up. Well, I guess I didn't make that clear to you in time because I was too late. The timing was all off and I fucked it all up. I guess the whole reason I am writing this out is because I am clarifying it in my head. I understand. I was a bitch and I hurt you and even though I still doubt how you can break something off with someone you claim to love, i don't get how feelings can change so fast, I can still understand how it might have been too much to handle. I was so sure you would regret it, so sure. I tried to tell myself you wouldn't because I didn't want to get false hopes, but I still couldn't help thinking it because it was so random and spur of the moment. Now, you still haven't regreted it, that's ok, but it's still on my mind. I just can't get over it and I don't know why. I need to get over this and move on. I have such trouble moving on from past relationships; I still haven't gotten over a relationship that ended over a year ago. I feel pathetic, I am pathetic. I now wish we could be friends, I really do. I want to talk to you more then anything, but I don't know if I could handle it. I also really didn't want to be the one to break the silence, because I shut you down when you tried to before, then I tried to be nice a few times and you totally ignored me so, again, I thought you were an asshole. Maybe you had a reason, maybe not, whatever. I guess there is no use dwelling on the past, but what can I say, I'm a dweller. That's what we do, we dwell. I could go on forever about this, but I won't. I need to find a way to get better at things like this because now it seems as if it's happening all over again and I don't know how to stop it. I never saw myself as the type that isn't good at relationships, but I guess I'm not. Or maybe I just don't want to be. Whatever it is, something has to change. Lots of things have to change. Who knows were I'll be next year...I could be back at BU in a different program, I could be at another college, or I could be at home. Working. Screwing my life away. I have to decide this summer and I don't know what to do. I'm not just scared of relationships right now, I'm scared of everything. I don't know what I'm doing and I wish I did. I'm lost and I don't know who I want to find me. Right now would be a good place to put in an overly sappy remark "I should find myself" or "I want me to find me". Haha, but I'm not going to say that because, even though it may be true, who the hell knows how to do that? What does that even mean? Ah.
Consider this a letter that I never sent
However inconsiderate it seems
Do you still consider me,
consider me the *girl* you laughed with
or you learned to live without?... I suck,
I know I'm late,
I know you waited
You couldn't get me on the phone
And you couldn't make me not alone
Nothing's absolutely definate til it's absolutely, definately gone.
Brand New is like my therapy lately. I love them so much.