An Open Letter To Blizzard Entertainment: Why Are You Fucking The Collective Ass of Gaming?
hey guys,
are you gonna end up doing anything worthwhile with the starcraft series or what?
because....
im just, wonderin and shit yo
see i need a rts to balance with my fps
like a delicate statue built entirely of tooth picks
and in the shape of a 1978 volkswagon bus
full size
with no glue
or adhesive of any kind
that has to be my balance between the insane speed of reaction involed in fps, with the equally insane need to multi-task and micro-manage simultaneously in an rts.
im not the only one, though i may be the only one who knows it!
these twin vipers must be balanced correctly and perfectly to truly milk the deadly gamer god venom from the fanged maw which hangs like a storm over the world of gaming, a threat to true 1337ness, this phenomenon is known as the MMO. Truly how many gamers has it aborted like a first trimester fetus? before their time?
how many of our older, slower, fatter, brethern have become endeared to it because it is a large part of their social life. meanwhile they could be mastering the skills needed to one day pilot robots?
are we to waste these precious years so?
i say: no sir we shall not!
i say: let us seize our destiny as gamers!
if not us then who?
clearly the world is headed for disaster so, as concientious citizens and gamers, we must do something!
valve has not forsaken us, valve has re-made it's own slice of perfect for our continued enjoyment.
Halo, which is a relative newcomer already has two iterations, each one sucking in and succoring young newbs, weaning them on the ways of the 3 shot birst, how not to panic, and why sometimes its better to just melee that punk.
the realm of the fps is bountiful.
the realm of the rts is stagnant, diseased, a leper who's few remaining limbs rot away as time makes fools of even the giants upon who's shoulders the world of gaming rests.
if you do not maintain them, renew them, bathe them in the blood of a thousand newbs as they are owned for this first time, and must adapt to the new order, then gaming will collapse into a dark age where it will dwell for ages.
instead of starcraft two, you offer us world of warcraft?
do you think this twisted, wretched, mockery of a thing can compete with even the dream of the hope of starcraft 2?
is this what we, as human beings, will offer history?
is this what we will promise our children? the digital equivalent of a hamster wheel?
i wouldn't even count this as some sick form of endurance training, it's beyond that, it's sick.
if this is some twisted attempt to better gaming by forcing it through the crucible.
if you are attempting some sick form of natural selection, where those weak enough to fall to the siren song of your MMO will be unable to procreate as they are busy grinding out "those last few levels"...
well if that is the case perhaps you should look to the immediate future, and what are you doing to gaming NOW.
what i'm saying, what i have been preparing you for, is the cold hard FACT that if you do not remake starcraft and provide the world with a viable RTS titan, well, eventually; robots piloted by humans will be the only weapon of war left and nuclear weapons will be outlawed after France is nuked by every single nuclear weapon in the entire world attached to a missile capable of reaching it.
this is due to a computer error, no doubt made by some fool newbie who's brain was slow and weak due to inactivity, who had allowed his skills to fester in the cesspool which is the MMO. perhaps after his level 60 female night elf rogue character has been auctioned off for $1,000,000,000,000, and the very possesion of said piece of digital history (and bragging rights) is what eventually leads the world to the piloted robot wars in the first place, perhaps then someone will notice what MMO's have done to gaming, when our giant robot warriors trip over their own deadly gigantic robot feet.
do you not see how slippery the slope which leads to this dark scenario is?
would you have us fumble for years in the wake of a nuclear winter, still clawing at one another like savages with physical violence. when we could be engaged in an sophisticated and CIVILIZED combat. using gigantic and powerful robots as our proxies.
if one day it is written in history books, that we had the technology, that we could do it, that we could build a robot that was faster, stronger, deadlier, and more aesthetically pleasing than any gladiator or warrior of yore. if we could do that, our science was suffiently advanced, but a call went out, a call to those skilled in the ways of digital combat, and humanity was found lacking.
if that is one day written, your name BLIZZARD, will lie next to it in cold unforgiving ink.
a monument to your betrayal, to your pursuit of the almighty dollar as opposed to the good of us all, if you continue to feed this digital junk food, this electronic heroin, to a populace un-prepared to resist it, and hold back that which is both nutrticious and delicious to the young and growing child that is gaming, well sirs, i ask you how you sleep at night, perhaps it is on a bed of dead unicorns, maybe that is just how you get down. perhaps, you are just that evil.
but, i thought you were better than that Blizzard, I expected more of you.
we all did.
a lot of people are cynics because of you, my erstwhile friends.
alot of people have had their ideals, their dreams, their trust, shattered.
so for crying out loud blizzard, do us a favor, give us what we need to stop this newbpocalypse. give us the most intense, addictive, balanced, ancient, and sacred software. give it to us reborn, show us the mighty pheonix which is Starcraft 2, have the entire country of south korea pre-order it if you must (they will), do you not hear the hollow echo which rings from the empty space in every newbs heart where once the undying hatred of the zergling rush lurked?
have you no mercy?
no sense of justice?
collect yourselves sirs, take account of your appearance and the seriousness of the situation, the evidence is vast, and the cold hard fact of the matter is that if you persist in your foolishness, then know that in this world there will be children without the oppurtunity to experience the simple balance of lost temple, or to know the joys of a successful siege drop, tell me not, oh good blizzard, that you would have me look into the eyes of these smiling babes as they ask me, AS THEY ASK ME: WHAT IS A ZERGLING, MISTER?!?!
if you have it in you to answer that question without a tear in your eye and regret in your heart, then you sirs are monsters. please offer us hope, and we will offer you help.
~A Concerned Gamer
PS. I have sent a copy of this letter to my congressman, in hopes of securing funding, and contained in this envelope should be several dollars in change of my own personal funds, the first of the returns on my buisness -- i offer a course online entitled "NR20 and You: How Not To Be A Dirty Communist"-- the rest will follow as I receive it. god bless.
-------
actually sending this to blizzard :)
i hope they send me a free shirt or some shit.
are you gonna end up doing anything worthwhile with the starcraft series or what?
because....
im just, wonderin and shit yo
see i need a rts to balance with my fps
like a delicate statue built entirely of tooth picks
and in the shape of a 1978 volkswagon bus
full size
with no glue
or adhesive of any kind
that has to be my balance between the insane speed of reaction involed in fps, with the equally insane need to multi-task and micro-manage simultaneously in an rts.
im not the only one, though i may be the only one who knows it!
these twin vipers must be balanced correctly and perfectly to truly milk the deadly gamer god venom from the fanged maw which hangs like a storm over the world of gaming, a threat to true 1337ness, this phenomenon is known as the MMO. Truly how many gamers has it aborted like a first trimester fetus? before their time?
how many of our older, slower, fatter, brethern have become endeared to it because it is a large part of their social life. meanwhile they could be mastering the skills needed to one day pilot robots?
are we to waste these precious years so?
i say: no sir we shall not!
i say: let us seize our destiny as gamers!
if not us then who?
clearly the world is headed for disaster so, as concientious citizens and gamers, we must do something!
valve has not forsaken us, valve has re-made it's own slice of perfect for our continued enjoyment.
Halo, which is a relative newcomer already has two iterations, each one sucking in and succoring young newbs, weaning them on the ways of the 3 shot birst, how not to panic, and why sometimes its better to just melee that punk.
the realm of the fps is bountiful.
the realm of the rts is stagnant, diseased, a leper who's few remaining limbs rot away as time makes fools of even the giants upon who's shoulders the world of gaming rests.
if you do not maintain them, renew them, bathe them in the blood of a thousand newbs as they are owned for this first time, and must adapt to the new order, then gaming will collapse into a dark age where it will dwell for ages.
instead of starcraft two, you offer us world of warcraft?
do you think this twisted, wretched, mockery of a thing can compete with even the dream of the hope of starcraft 2?
is this what we, as human beings, will offer history?
is this what we will promise our children? the digital equivalent of a hamster wheel?
i wouldn't even count this as some sick form of endurance training, it's beyond that, it's sick.
if this is some twisted attempt to better gaming by forcing it through the crucible.
if you are attempting some sick form of natural selection, where those weak enough to fall to the siren song of your MMO will be unable to procreate as they are busy grinding out "those last few levels"...
well if that is the case perhaps you should look to the immediate future, and what are you doing to gaming NOW.
what i'm saying, what i have been preparing you for, is the cold hard FACT that if you do not remake starcraft and provide the world with a viable RTS titan, well, eventually; robots piloted by humans will be the only weapon of war left and nuclear weapons will be outlawed after France is nuked by every single nuclear weapon in the entire world attached to a missile capable of reaching it.
this is due to a computer error, no doubt made by some fool newbie who's brain was slow and weak due to inactivity, who had allowed his skills to fester in the cesspool which is the MMO. perhaps after his level 60 female night elf rogue character has been auctioned off for $1,000,000,000,000, and the very possesion of said piece of digital history (and bragging rights) is what eventually leads the world to the piloted robot wars in the first place, perhaps then someone will notice what MMO's have done to gaming, when our giant robot warriors trip over their own deadly gigantic robot feet.
do you not see how slippery the slope which leads to this dark scenario is?
would you have us fumble for years in the wake of a nuclear winter, still clawing at one another like savages with physical violence. when we could be engaged in an sophisticated and CIVILIZED combat. using gigantic and powerful robots as our proxies.
if one day it is written in history books, that we had the technology, that we could do it, that we could build a robot that was faster, stronger, deadlier, and more aesthetically pleasing than any gladiator or warrior of yore. if we could do that, our science was suffiently advanced, but a call went out, a call to those skilled in the ways of digital combat, and humanity was found lacking.
if that is one day written, your name BLIZZARD, will lie next to it in cold unforgiving ink.
a monument to your betrayal, to your pursuit of the almighty dollar as opposed to the good of us all, if you continue to feed this digital junk food, this electronic heroin, to a populace un-prepared to resist it, and hold back that which is both nutrticious and delicious to the young and growing child that is gaming, well sirs, i ask you how you sleep at night, perhaps it is on a bed of dead unicorns, maybe that is just how you get down. perhaps, you are just that evil.
but, i thought you were better than that Blizzard, I expected more of you.
we all did.
a lot of people are cynics because of you, my erstwhile friends.
alot of people have had their ideals, their dreams, their trust, shattered.
so for crying out loud blizzard, do us a favor, give us what we need to stop this newbpocalypse. give us the most intense, addictive, balanced, ancient, and sacred software. give it to us reborn, show us the mighty pheonix which is Starcraft 2, have the entire country of south korea pre-order it if you must (they will), do you not hear the hollow echo which rings from the empty space in every newbs heart where once the undying hatred of the zergling rush lurked?
have you no mercy?
no sense of justice?
collect yourselves sirs, take account of your appearance and the seriousness of the situation, the evidence is vast, and the cold hard fact of the matter is that if you persist in your foolishness, then know that in this world there will be children without the oppurtunity to experience the simple balance of lost temple, or to know the joys of a successful siege drop, tell me not, oh good blizzard, that you would have me look into the eyes of these smiling babes as they ask me, AS THEY ASK ME: WHAT IS A ZERGLING, MISTER?!?!
if you have it in you to answer that question without a tear in your eye and regret in your heart, then you sirs are monsters. please offer us hope, and we will offer you help.
~A Concerned Gamer
PS. I have sent a copy of this letter to my congressman, in hopes of securing funding, and contained in this envelope should be several dollars in change of my own personal funds, the first of the returns on my buisness -- i offer a course online entitled "NR20 and You: How Not To Be A Dirty Communist"-- the rest will follow as I receive it. god bless.
-------
actually sending this to blizzard :)
i hope they send me a free shirt or some shit.