something not worth it.
i hate being home..
when im home.. i just think about
how my life could be fake. and how its probably too good to be true and how the more i live it the harder i will fall and the more i will hurt.
when i sit at home
i think about terrible things and it makes me sad. like that im lied to all the time. and that im avoided because im not wanted.. and that i just get excuses and nothing else and im so gullable i believe them which makes me sick. i just want the truth and im afraid that some of it i cant handle but would like to hear.... and it scares me "dont worry she wont be mad.. i can just tell her.... " that sort of thing. if you dont want to see me ever then tell me. dont lie to me. i dont want to get hurt and im afraid that the more i believe the harder i will hurt.
i hate the time before my career and after highschool because its wasted thoughts that depress me. what do i do? god.. i hate this so much i just want to leave white lake for a few days.... i need a life. i guess.
i wish there was a book i could find that would answer all my questions and i wouldnt doubt myself.. or look down on myself or find more things to hate about myself... becuase its really not worth it. its not worth the hurt, the tears, the stress, the headache or the time.. but i do it anyway.
i hate that i dont know what im going to do with my life. i just feel like i failed everything and wont go anywhere and will stay stuck. i need to leave. i need to go somewhere and just get out. i need to stop depending on people and find something that i need. i dont know what it is.. i need but it will find me. there are a few things i want to keep in my life and a few i could let go in a heartbeat. ..... like tv. i dont need it and i hate that i watch it all the time... i hate work but i need it. and i hate that jared works but he needs it too... and i need him as much as i can see him.. becuase he brings joy to my life and without him i sit here and just think..
man im depressing.
when im home.. i just think about
how my life could be fake. and how its probably too good to be true and how the more i live it the harder i will fall and the more i will hurt.
when i sit at home
i think about terrible things and it makes me sad. like that im lied to all the time. and that im avoided because im not wanted.. and that i just get excuses and nothing else and im so gullable i believe them which makes me sick. i just want the truth and im afraid that some of it i cant handle but would like to hear.... and it scares me "dont worry she wont be mad.. i can just tell her.... " that sort of thing. if you dont want to see me ever then tell me. dont lie to me. i dont want to get hurt and im afraid that the more i believe the harder i will hurt.
i hate the time before my career and after highschool because its wasted thoughts that depress me. what do i do? god.. i hate this so much i just want to leave white lake for a few days.... i need a life. i guess.
i wish there was a book i could find that would answer all my questions and i wouldnt doubt myself.. or look down on myself or find more things to hate about myself... becuase its really not worth it. its not worth the hurt, the tears, the stress, the headache or the time.. but i do it anyway.
i hate that i dont know what im going to do with my life. i just feel like i failed everything and wont go anywhere and will stay stuck. i need to leave. i need to go somewhere and just get out. i need to stop depending on people and find something that i need. i dont know what it is.. i need but it will find me. there are a few things i want to keep in my life and a few i could let go in a heartbeat. ..... like tv. i dont need it and i hate that i watch it all the time... i hate work but i need it. and i hate that jared works but he needs it too... and i need him as much as i can see him.. becuase he brings joy to my life and without him i sit here and just think..
man im depressing.