Wow... My whole life is different!
I don't even know how long it's been since I posted. I really wish I'd been journaling these last few months though. So, what's different? I'm basically single now, for one. I was sitting in a park downtown at 3am one cold November night, as part of an Occupy protest, and just suddenly woke up to the fact that I felt safer and more loved, more respected, more valued than I did in my own home. I handled it pretty well at first. I sat my husband down and had a nice calm conversation about why I could no longer be married to him. I mentioned the rages, the number of people I'd had to tell that no, he doesn't beat me. I mentioned the unpredictability of his moods and behaviors. I told him that I don't hate him, I just couldn't live like that any more. Then I handed him my wedding ring. He begged me not to do it. He begged me to take the ring back. He said he hadn't realized. And I walked out.
I pretty much lived out of my car for the next two months, sleeping primarily at one friend's house, but sometimes at another, and sometimes in my car, and sometimes in my house. Through this period, I felt inspired. I felt energetic.I felt alive.
The friend at who's place I was primarily sleeping had lost their job in October. It was now past Christmas, and they still didn't have an income, and couldn't pay their rent. I got it into my head that we could room together. That I could take care of this person... so many brilliant ideas for making real changes to the world. By this time, I had nearly maxed out my credit card after a short road trip, and many meals. Somehow, I came up with the money to get a place. We found a fantastic 2 bedroom place we both loved, but we didn't have enough to cover all of it. We talked to the people, and they said my roommate could work off the rest. It was a lease-purchase, so technically we were buying a house together, this young person and I. We laughed about how crazy we were, but looked forward to all the great things we could do here. We had been told, "All it needs is cosmetic work," and we were excited bout fixing the place up. Once the utilities were on, that began to change. The furnace is unusable. The water heater doesn't stay lit, and leaks. The toilet leaks. The bathroom sink leaks. There's a leak in the crawlspace under the kitchen sink. Most of the ceiling lights don't work. The roof that they claimed to have just fixed leaks when it rains. Most of the outlets (and their wires!) are missing. When the forecast said the low would be 17 degrees, I went to the office and BEGGED them to get the heater fixed because it had taken all of my money to get all the utilities turned on. They refused.
So, now, we are about to move into a house I can't afford, and it will take every dollar I have just to pay the rent to move in. I don't know if I even can get the utilities moved, since I haven't even gotten the bills yet, but even if I do, it will mean not having utilities again for a few days. I don't know how I'm going to put gas in my car to get to work. I guess we'll be quitting smoking. I'm praying we find a roommate within the next few days, or I don't know what will happen. I'm waiting on a background check for a job that will enable to pay all these bills, but it hasn't come through yet. If I can survive the next few weeks, I think it'll be alright, but I don't know how I'm going to get through March. If I don't start this new job, this new place takes two full paychecks just for the rent. Hope I survive.
I pretty much lived out of my car for the next two months, sleeping primarily at one friend's house, but sometimes at another, and sometimes in my car, and sometimes in my house. Through this period, I felt inspired. I felt energetic.I felt alive.
The friend at who's place I was primarily sleeping had lost their job in October. It was now past Christmas, and they still didn't have an income, and couldn't pay their rent. I got it into my head that we could room together. That I could take care of this person... so many brilliant ideas for making real changes to the world. By this time, I had nearly maxed out my credit card after a short road trip, and many meals. Somehow, I came up with the money to get a place. We found a fantastic 2 bedroom place we both loved, but we didn't have enough to cover all of it. We talked to the people, and they said my roommate could work off the rest. It was a lease-purchase, so technically we were buying a house together, this young person and I. We laughed about how crazy we were, but looked forward to all the great things we could do here. We had been told, "All it needs is cosmetic work," and we were excited bout fixing the place up. Once the utilities were on, that began to change. The furnace is unusable. The water heater doesn't stay lit, and leaks. The toilet leaks. The bathroom sink leaks. There's a leak in the crawlspace under the kitchen sink. Most of the ceiling lights don't work. The roof that they claimed to have just fixed leaks when it rains. Most of the outlets (and their wires!) are missing. When the forecast said the low would be 17 degrees, I went to the office and BEGGED them to get the heater fixed because it had taken all of my money to get all the utilities turned on. They refused.
So, now, we are about to move into a house I can't afford, and it will take every dollar I have just to pay the rent to move in. I don't know if I even can get the utilities moved, since I haven't even gotten the bills yet, but even if I do, it will mean not having utilities again for a few days. I don't know how I'm going to put gas in my car to get to work. I guess we'll be quitting smoking. I'm praying we find a roommate within the next few days, or I don't know what will happen. I'm waiting on a background check for a job that will enable to pay all these bills, but it hasn't come through yet. If I can survive the next few weeks, I think it'll be alright, but I don't know how I'm going to get through March. If I don't start this new job, this new place takes two full paychecks just for the rent. Hope I survive.