(no subject)
Hmm... If I move away and live with my grandmother to avoid the degrading and hateful words directed at me by my family, would that be running away from my problems? I am the type to deal with my problems and try my best to make the outcome as positive as i can, but I can't help but feel like I shouldn't have to feel worthless every time I walk into my house and see my family sitting around waiting for me to do stuff. I honestly believe that they really can't function without me, and that if I leave, that they will fall apart. I shouldn't have that sort of effect on them. If I go away, it should be as if I was never there and they can get along just fine without me there to reconcile every possible problem that occurs between them. I shouldn't be the one to fix everything for them. Why do I do such things for them when all they ever do is make me sad and feel like I'm just a little pile of nothing? I know that time heals all things and that patience is the key to happiness and bla bla bla, but is it supposed to take this long? I was happy once because I ignored these things about my life for a period of time, but now I feel overwhelmed with... well... hopelessness. It has been 18 years and my family seems to be getting more and more unpleasant by the day. And its not like I can talk out my feelings w/ a friend, because I feel like I've been alienated from the world. I feel kinda funny even thinking about talking to my friends. I feel like i don't have that right because every time they would call or invite me out to talk, I would have a couple hours out if I'm lucky, and they would call me the entire time anyways. Tony and I have become such good friends, and he would certainly be glad to help me out, but my dad has actually told me to stop talking to him. He has become the person closest to me, and I am not allowed to talk to him. I know what you're thinking..."why don't you talk to him when daddy's not around?" Well, I do, but it doesn't make me feel any better to know that I have to sneak outside when I'm suposed to be asleep to answer the phone when he calls. Dad's all concerned that I'm gonna fall in love with Tony and ruin my life and go against the rules of my religion. That alone hurts because he should know that I always put religion first, and he should trust me when I tell him that Tony is my friend and nothing more. I am 18 years old, and I have a car that I signed for and can't drive because I'm not allowed to get my license, however, whenever it gets trashed, I have to clean it because its in my name. I need my mommy to pick me up from school every day, and my sister to take me to school at her convenience, even if that means I'll get there 3-4 hours before my class actually starts. Then dad says that I shouldn't be at school any longer than my class is because he doesn't want me to hang out with Tony. He quotes "Idle hands are the devil's workshop" then he tells my sister to take me to school 3 hours early. Not only does he do that, but he tells my mom to tell my boss that I'll be going to work later in the day. Who has their mommy talk to their boss for them?! I got the job on my own, and I should be making arrangements for myself to work. She cant tell my boss that I'm going to work! Just because she works in the same building, that doesn't give her that right! Then when I tell her that I don't like for her to make arrangements for me to work, she grumbles things like "you'll be getting more money, and you're so lazy, you never want to work!" When I signed up for MY job, I agreed to working on the weekends. Which was fine with me, and honestly, I don't mind picking up a few hours during the week, because I usually enjoy working, and yea, the money is pretty good. But when my mom forces me to go to work when I'm not scheduled to work, and I'm tired and all I want to do is get home to study or rest, I get a very very unpleasant feeling towards working, and don't you tell me that I should tell her that, because I already have told her that several times. I told her that I like my job a lot, but its my job and my boss gives me certain hours to work which I really appreciate, and if she keeps making arrangements for me to work w/ out my knowlege, I'm going to despise the job and want to quit. After telling her ALL this, could you believe that she still does it?! How could I have made things more clear for her to understand? And if I do quit, she's gonna yell at me and say that I gave up something that so many other people would appreciate soooo much and she would call me names and make me feel worthless. So you see people, its a lose lose situation from my viewpoint right now. And I don't know what I could do to make things better. I feel like I've said everything that I could possibly have said, and its up to them now to make life less unpleasant for me. Unfortunately, at the rate things are going, as far as I can tell, they are becoming more and more unpleasant towards me and I'm feeling really hopeless right now. I know that I shouldnt stop praying for things to get better, but every time I pray for myself, I feel really selfish because I know that there are other people worse off than me who need God's help more than I do. So I end up not asking God to help me, but praying for God to do what he knows is best for everyone. I used to pray to Him when I was younger and now realizing what a horrible world it is that we live in, and tell Him that if I would have to suffer for him to take the pain away from one other person, then my suffering would be worth it and I won't complain. I'm curious to know if this is whats going on. But wouldnt that mean that there would be no way out for me? I would be suffering all the time? All I need to do is pack my things and board a plane to tnt and live with my grandmother. That will make me feel better. Nobody makes me feel bad over there. They all love me and were begging me to come back. My grandmother actually told me that she would be happy if I moved in with her. "Whats the hold up then" you ask? That brings me back to my first question. If I move away and live with my grandmother would that be running away from my problems? I don't want to run away from my problems, but I don't see how I could try to work this out any longer. I'm tired, and I don't want to be sad anymore.