Jun 18, 2012 01:50
I very rarely speak about my son in regards to how I probably will be speaking in this entry... and honestly stopped speaking about how I felt because I've lost a few friends who didn't care about me enough to think why I could be feeling this way... 2 years ago in November I got a Smashing Pumpkins tattoo on my forearm. I got a lot of, but why? It's not about the band, it's about the songs and how they connect to my feelings in the past - and even my feelings now. It's not like you ever really fully get over depression - especially when it got as bad as mine got.
When I first had my son, it was absolutely the most traumatic thing. I tried SO hard to be a good mum, to do everything "right", but I was just taken down so badly by the people that were supposed to be the biggest support. In Australia, after you give birth you have someone come by and check on you to make sure you're settling in.. they started coming over up to 3 times a week - and just constantly taking me down, telling me what was wrong with my son - this isn't right - that's not right... blah blah blah. Then onto the "why aren't you breastfeeding" when I pumped so much I bled. I gave up - maybe I'm weak - but I did everything I could to try before I gave up...
After having these nurses harass me, I got rid of them at about the 6 month mark.. they left me alone - then started calling me constantly to get an appointment with me. As I knew it would just cause my depression to get much worse - I ignored the phone call - and I'm not joking, they called no less than 10 times in a row one day. As my husband took over, and was the primary caregiver because of my depression they called DOCS on me. As if I really needed that... DOCS came over and said they had reason to believe my son was being neglected (thank you nurse)... she came over and saw my son and said - there is NO way that he is being neglected... you've been suffering very badly from a depression and we understand that. As with the law, they have to stick around for a few years - but that wasn't an issue and ultimately they helped us with things to assist my son with his developmental issues and delays...
Saying that - because of all of this - because my in-laws said to me: "...maybe Andrew needs parents who love him"... all of this caused to be extremely suicidal. I couldn't get up in the middle of the night to take care of my son, my son was literally a stranger that has sucked the life out of me. I know it's hard to hear it like that - but that's what post-natal depression did to me.
I struggled for honest to God, years. I couldn't call my son by his name, it was just "the child" for a while - and I couldn't be awake when he was because I'd just breakdown and couldn't handle it. I went to bed at roughly 9am some days, and woke up at 4pm, because I couldn't handle life... I struggled just to get out of bed, I struggled just to keep breathing... it was one of the worst things I've ever had to go through in my entire life... I would not wish those feelings I had on my worst enemy...
I was so close to just ending it - I just hated how I was feeling... and no help from anyone, my in-laws were useless... Daniel was the only one to help me, and thank God for him - he did so much for me - and I'm so thankful for it. I hated feeling like a failure... I'm a mom, I'm not supposed to feel like this...
Post-natal depression is pretty common, and not having my family around really sucked to say the least. I needed them - but I was so scared to tell them how I felt. It came down to me calling my Dad at work one day, he told asked me if I could call him back later and I burst into tears. It was my first real sign of weakness - and this was after 10 months. I cried on the phone with him for about an hour, telling him how I couldn't deal with it anymore... he told me that it gets better... that was extremely comforting...
Things did get better... after a few years, I started to care for my son. I love my son, but I still really struggle on a daily basis and wonder what I did to deserve this - not my son, but the pain that I had to go through after having him. A lot of people have asked me - are you going to have another child? My response is normally telling them that there is no way in hell I would ever have another child. Why? I would never EVER want to put another child through the depression, nor would I want to put myself through it - sounds selfish, but I don't think I could handle it.
I always dreamed of myself being a good parent, who would love her child, and die for my child. I've never had that feeling - I never received the bonding that a normal parent receives... and even now, I feel like such a failure... but I do what I can, even if some days are harder than others - I just need to accept, I'm not perfect.
I struggle with this even day-to-day, although things are always getting better. I'm starting to love myself again... and I am thankful of this... I'm finally happy with where I'm living, and I feel more free than I have in years. I wish I could have changed so many things - but there's nothing I can do about it, and I've learned that you learn from your mistakes, and you grow from your mistakes.
The words that got me through my depression:
Mother weep the years I'm missing
All our time can't be given
Back
Shut my mouth and strike the demons
That cursed you and your reasons
Out of hand and out of season
Out of love and out of feeling
So bad
When I can, I will
Words defy the plan
When I can, I will
Fool enough to almost be it
And cool enough to not quite see it
And old enough to always feel this
Always old, I'll always feel this
I honestly think, no matter what I do in my life, I will never grow away from my depression - but learning from it is all I can do... live life to it's fullest. Never judge people by hearing what they say... I wish the people that unfriended me cared to try to understand where I was coming from rather than just looking at it from the surface... I'm happy they're out of my life, and I'm happy to have the friends (even virtual) who have stuck with me through the years.
lyrics,
feelings,
depression,
andrew,
smashing pumpkins,
friends