(no subject)

[imthebrightstar]

i keep putting this off, like it's not going to have to happen soon. the life i am living is not one of much outward activity, but be assured that my mind is doing more than my physical body ever could. today i have become very frustrated with myself. like there is not much to say, because everything in my head is absolutely useless. how many times will i repeat the same tired patterns and speak the same phrases? my brain feels stuck inside of my skull, like it is expanding and soon will not fit. the things i do, and the activities i participate in are not things i am necessarily proud of. i just can't sit in this house all day anymore. it has all been my own choice. my feelings of detachment from others and the outside world in general used to not bother me as much as they do now. and it's not because i want to be distant. more than anything, i would like to lead a full, rich life with many friends and many experiences. is it fear that confines me? must be, or else i would be doing great things. my brain isn't as fucked as i want to believe it is. i've become so invested in these excuses for why this is this way. life is this way because i have chosen it to be this way. or perhaps it is for my own good. a person like me shouldn't be allowed to participate in a "normal" daily life. it's better that i have dropped out for now, the world is not meant for my consumption.

soon though, i imagine that this will all change. patterns! this has been a welcome, much needed break. i think i am ready to stop being a loser now.