(no subject)
Well, I said goodbye to my best friend yesterday. Today is a beautiful, but windy, day. It wasn't quite real to me until I saw his precious body lying in the casket yesterday. I said goodbye to him at the funeral, but I didn't mean it. I said goodbye to him lastnight after the wake, but I didn't mean it. I won't ever say goodbye to him, because I refuse to let him go. I talk to him like I would if we were on the phone, and I know somehow he can hear me. At times, I hear his voice in my head, saying typical Michael things, knowing it's his way of talking back to me. I will miss him until the day I die. Until yesterday, and lastnight when he gave me my music back, I never realized how much of my faith in myself was tied up in him. He gave me my confidence. I still have some of it, and maybe, by degrees, I'll get the rest of it back, but most of it is gone. He was my support. It was so hard to sing to him lastnight, especially one of his favorite songs, but he always said the only person who sang it better than I do was Stevie Nicks herself. I kept looking, expecting him to walk through the door at any minute, or to come back to the table after making the rounds and blessing everyone with his smile, as he was known to do. He wasn't there. I won't have any more hugs from him, or hear him tell me he loves me anymore, but in my heart, deep down, I know he did, and he's still hugging me, even though I can't feel it. Call me selfish, but I'd honestly prefer to be able to feel him and hear him. When I looked at his body, I realized he was gone. Honest-to-goodness, truly GONE. His body was just a shell for his wonderful spirit. I want to lock myself up somewhere and cry until I can't cry anymore, but I'll just be content for now to know that I can cry when I truly need to, and he understands me. He would kick my butt, but he'd love me anyway. I will do my best to honor him by living my life, keeping my confidence, and trying to share a little bit of him with everyone I meet, because he left me with some of his light. He left EVERYONE he met with some of his light. Now, it's our job to carry on and keep spreading his light to people he didn't get a chance to meet during his short lifetime. I love you, Michael, and I always will.