(no subject)
she's dead.
i keep getting mad. really mad.
then i remember that i don't have any reason to be mad. that i am not entitled to be mad. that i have no one to be mad at.
and that, that makes me more mad. more and more mad.
no i won't make a smootea. no i won't, she's dead, i don't want to make your smootea. she's dead and she fucked everyone up in the process. and it was mean, it was a mean way to die.
i have an overwhelming urge to just punch, i am so mad. i am so mad, i can't feel right, i can't. i don't feel bad for her, i don't miss her, i want to kill her. and i think that isn't right. i think maybe i am horrible, i didn't know her. i met her once. i didn't like her. i told her to leave me alone. i was mean.
i don't feel responsible. i feel mad. i feel like i want to be responsible, i want to throw shit at her. i want to take her lifeless body and shake it, and say "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU FOR HURTING HER LIKE THAT! I HATE YOU FOR DOING THAT!"
i can't. i can just call kaylee, and have nothing to say, except, i love you, this isn't your fault, take care of yourself, i love you.
because you can't fix crazy. and you can't fix what crazy destroys.
i just need a space. a space to cry. a space to throw punches and get so mad i can't breathe.
i can't. i can't feel right. i can't feel the way i want to.
i keep getting mad. really mad.
then i remember that i don't have any reason to be mad. that i am not entitled to be mad. that i have no one to be mad at.
and that, that makes me more mad. more and more mad.
no i won't make a smootea. no i won't, she's dead, i don't want to make your smootea. she's dead and she fucked everyone up in the process. and it was mean, it was a mean way to die.
i have an overwhelming urge to just punch, i am so mad. i am so mad, i can't feel right, i can't. i don't feel bad for her, i don't miss her, i want to kill her. and i think that isn't right. i think maybe i am horrible, i didn't know her. i met her once. i didn't like her. i told her to leave me alone. i was mean.
i don't feel responsible. i feel mad. i feel like i want to be responsible, i want to throw shit at her. i want to take her lifeless body and shake it, and say "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU FOR HURTING HER LIKE THAT! I HATE YOU FOR DOING THAT!"
i can't. i can just call kaylee, and have nothing to say, except, i love you, this isn't your fault, take care of yourself, i love you.
because you can't fix crazy. and you can't fix what crazy destroys.
i just need a space. a space to cry. a space to throw punches and get so mad i can't breathe.
i can't. i can't feel right. i can't feel the way i want to.