STRESSSSSSS!!!!
I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING AT ONCE!!!!!! I'M SICK OF ALL THIS STRESS! I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!!! I'M NOT INVINCIBLE!!!! I GIVE UP!!!!!!
...*sighs*... Excuse me while I regain my composure. *sigh*
So, to add on to all the drama I'm going through with Marcus, I just found out this past weekend that my dad and step mom are separating for a while. ....just fucking great... JUST what I need.
So, I, again waste two hours of my life at video club. I don't know if I'm going to do it next year. It's just not on a good day. Mondays are NOT good days to be spending two hours after school just farting around. They needed me for FIVE seconds. My part today was litterally standing in front of the camera, looking sideways for FIVE seconds. I could have been doing the extra HUGE load of homework I had. But nooooo. I wasn't. I was in the boys locker room filming the five seconds they needed me for.
I'm so stressed. I can't take it. I had 24 problems in math, which I didn't get how to do, so Abbey helped me w/ that. Then in physics, our exam is on Friday and our exam study guide is flippin' 82 questions long. So, I've narrowed it down to roughly 20 questions a night. Then, on top of that, I've got 20 review questions for our current chapter that are due tomorrow for the SAME class!!!! THAT'S INSANE!!!!! THENNNN I just got done finishing a GROUP project for English that's due tomorrow.
Then, in thinking about things, I've come to the conclusion that something good has come out of why Marcus and I are in this mess. Everytime we ever did what we did, I would think to myself "I wonder if I'm going to Heaven even though I'm not sorry I did it and I know it's a sin." Now I won't have to worry about it. Now I don't feel guilty. Now I don't have to wonder where my afterlife will be spent.
I've also come to realize that I'm too dependant. I now realize that. If it's going to drive me nuts not to talk to him for the 3 hours I used to spend talking to him, something is wrong. Marcus has stopped calling me a lot more lately. I know it's the right thing to do, b/c I know he needs his space and I know I shouldn't depend on him to keep me happy. I know that's unhealthy. It just drives me nuts when I want to talk to him while I'm doing my homework or while he's driving home or to practice. He doesn't call me at those times anymore and I find it hard to bare.
While I'm sitting here trying to finish my flipping fizix homework, I couldn't get the loading thing to minimize on my hotmail account b/c it's stupid like that and all I could see while reading my fizix book was this little blinking thing that was telling me it was loading my document. It was about to drive me up the walls. Correction. Backspace. Erase. It DID drive me up the walls. I'm trying to email myself the powerpoint presentation that I've made so I can put the finishing touches on it at school. Omg... why am I telling you guys this? You don't care. I'm sorry.
I feel violent. I want to scream and cry because my plate is too full. *Hears Marcus's voice in my head* "I heard whining about it will make things better!" SHUT UP!!!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! I don't care that it's not going to do me any good. I need to talk about it. I'M GOING TO SCREAM!
I'M GOING TO SCREEEEEEEEEE-
AAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!
The only good thing I can think of at this moment is my new puppy... or rather "my brothers new puppy". He keeps claiming it's his and Kris and Dad aren't denying it. I think it's a guilt thing for the whole separation shit.
...God I hope Marcus gets out of practice soon. All I've wanted to do all day is talk to him b/c I've had such a horrible day. I'm just afraid to call him lately b/c I don't want to seem obsessive. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to better myself.
*Sigh* *Looks at my fizix homework* I really don't want to do this tonight.
*Looks at the clock* ...9:26. So much for going to bed early.
I haven't eaten dinner. I'm hungry. I don't know if I'll eat anything tonight due to laziness and no one's fixed me anything. I tend not to eat when food isn't prepared... except breakfast on most occasions. That's why during summer break I usually don't eat lunch. I make myself a bowl of cereal in the morning and if someone makes me lunch, I eat it, and then mom or Joe always prepares dinner. ...Except I think I was at Abbey's when they ate. Ugh. Hungerrrr.
I had a complete and utter stress break down after Marcus and I hung up before his practice. Hearing "I'll call you after practice" when practice started at 8 and it was only 7:30 made me a little upset. But that's part of the whole not talking as much thing, I guess. Then I got off the phone and just started crying. I wanted to call him back and beg and plead him to talk to me more to make me feel better, but again, there's that whole not wanting to seem desperate and needy thing.
I guess all this crap-o-la bothers me a lot more than I thought it did. I need to find a way through this b/c it's starting to annoy me, and if it annoys me... then I'm sure I'm bugging the piss out of Marcus.
Right now I'm feeling extra violent. I need to sleep. I think I'll check myspace and eat something small and go crawl in bed. I'd rather waste my time sleeping than waste my time awake thinking about all the shit that's going on around me. I can't handle it all.
...I guess the study guide will have to wait until tomorrow... *sarcastically* Ohhhh weeelllll....
*Looks at the pictures of my new puppy and smiles* Heeeeeeeeeee... My widduw sophigans is so adowabulllll. I wuv my poopy-doo.
Hee heeeeeeeee...
Chelsy's comments made me smile. I love Marcus's sister. ...I also love Marcus. :-D
Beddy by tiiiiime.