I feel like a failure continued...
Sorry about that, I thought I had to leave, but I don't yet. ((smiles)) So yeah, continuing from where I left off with my last post: Lezlie's house. But before we went back after dinner we went to Barne's and Noble and she got Brokeback Mountain and another book by the same author called Postcards or something. Then after she burned me the nifty cd she took me back to my house. The whole night was kind of rough. I mean, I really enjoyed being with Lezlie, and it was great to get away for an evening and stuff, but I would go from enjoying myself to just totally sinking out of no where. I would just be sitting there content and then all of the sudden feel totally alone and empty and just wanting to die. Ugh, I hate this. It is so frustrating and I have no control over it. So yeah, when I got home I totally sunk more than any other point all night. My escape was gone, it was really hard. I can't even begin to say. I just broke down crying and my mom came in my room and was rather worried which was kind of annoying. I mean, I'm glad she cared but then she was questioning why and stuff so it was kind of awkward. Oh well. So yeah, I attempted to escape into the computer a little by reading emails and posts and writing emails and talking to Amara. Amara is so wonderful, it helped a lot to talk to her. She really helps put things into perspecitve so much of the time. I still really sunk though. I really was losing it and I just wanted to die more than anything and I really thought that I could do it, it wouldn't be very difficult, and things of that sort I guess. I was upset with life and with myself. I hadn't gotten any Calculus done and I just felt eveything starting to crash on me really badly, so then took a shower and kind of lost it. My strength and resolve had been slipping for a while, and it finally dissapated and I cut myself.
It really wasn't anything bad. The razor barely broke the skin on my mid-forearm. But it felt so good to cut. I felt really guilty, yet at the same time I knew that if I didn't cut I probably would have ended it all. It was a release, despite the guilt. It helped in some strange way to see the tiny bit of blood mix with the water of my shower and slide off of my arm. It sounds really gross and scary I'm sure, but it really did help. When I got out though I felt really really guilty. I had just broken my promise to Aaron. I was a miserable failure. I put on my pajamas and got in bed, completely ashamed. Then all of the sudden words just kind of came to me. For the first time in about 6 months I was able to express all that I was feeling in poetry. This is what I came up with:
Crimson Teardrops
Crimson,
The color of my sacrifice
To the unsatisfiable gods
Welling up within me.
Their demands are clear:
More blood,
More pain,
More broken promises,
More destroyed hope.
Just below conciousness they lurk,
Ever present,
Wating,
Wating for the moment
Of difficulty and weakness.
I strive to fight against these gods,
Burning me up from the inside
With their demand
Of crimson.
I stand firm for a time
Denying them their desire.
Their anger escalates,
As does their demands.
Constantly bombarding
With intense ferocity.
Slowly the ever present
Pounding need of the demons,
The need for crimson,
Breaks down my weak defenses.
I can no longer withstand.
I can't continue
Without meeting the demons' demands.
As my strength and resolve
Slide out from beneath me,
So the blade slides across my skin,
Dividing flesh,
And releasing,
My crimson teardrops.
So yeah, that really just came to me last night and really helped me express how I felt. The pain, the need, just yeah. I don't know, it was good for me to get it out that way I guess.
So after that mess I just went to bed (it was 2:30 at that point), I couldn't do anything else, and I was afraid I might lose it if I didn't just go to sleep. This means that I didn't touch my Calculus homework. So I woke up this morning and basically couldn't/refused to move. Needless to say, I didn't go to Seminary or school (I told my mom that my stomach really hurt, which wasn't totally false because it has been being weird, but not to the point of staying home). Meaning I'm even farther behind, and I missed Calculus this time which is really not good, but oh well, it is what it is at this point. I really couldn't have handled school today, I know that for a fact. I didn't move from my bed until after noon even though I was only asleep off and on. Then I got on the computer and talked to Alicia and Alex. It was really good to talk to them, especially Alicia. She was so wonderful and understanding. She helped me so much and was really supportive even though I had failed. It was hard too though, I just felt trapped. Even talking to her the predominant thought in my mind all day was "I just want to die!!" I have been so down all day. I really tried to escape into the computer but couldn't really, nothing was an escape and I had no attention span. At about 4:15 I got a shower and it was hard. I knew going in that I would probably cut again and that it would be worse this time, but I was feeling like I just wanted to die again and kind of thinking about it fairly seriously, so I figured cutting was a better alternative if I needed it.
So I got a shower and didn't cut for most of it, but I felt the need growing. I eventually picked up my razor and ran it across my arm in the same place again, just slightly harder. Then I took it to my side, where I cut before. I did it more normally then. The pain was really, I don't know how to describe it, it helped though. To watch the blood run down my side and off my arm and turn the water near my feet pink just helped for a reason I can't explain or even fully understand. Then I got out and cleaned it up and stuff and really felt guilty, but that I had needed it.
Got to go.
later...
Mel