What is my problem?!?
I really don't understand myself and it is about to drive me absolutely insane!!! I feel like I'm on some sort of out of control roller coaster or something. I'm so tired of being pretty much fine and then the next minute wanting to just break down and bawl, and then of course not being able to. Ugh! Yeah, today was a lot of that. I didn't go to Seminary ( I feel kind of guilty, oh well), I just couldn't get up. But anyway, I did get up eventually and go to school. I got there on time, always a good thing. Then I went to BCIS and worked on make up work (joy), it wasn't that bad though. Then Show Choir rolled around and I was okayish (Lezlie may disagree, but it was really a lot better than it could have been) until we started singing our new music. We are singing "Here I Am" from the movie "Spirit: Stallion of Cimmaron." I adore that movie, but it reminds me of when we watched it at Jamie's and Amara made wonderful comments about the animation and we were just all together happy and having a good time. So then I just totally sunk, I thought I was going to break down in tears right then and there. I came pretty close, but of course I couldn't cry, which may or may not have been a good thing (we are thinking may at the moment, but who knows). But yeah, I totally missed Alicia and Amara and Jamie and just everyone in Michigan. I just wanted to go back to that time, to be "young again" and be able to enjoy life and not be apart. It was really rough. Eventually we started singing "Footloose" and I just kind of went numb. I was interviewed for the yearbook too about my favorite thing about All Region Choir and I said singing 8-part music (I'm such a nerd). Anyway... after Show Choir was Calculus. I got my homework done last night, so that wasn't a problem (of course we didn't even take a grade on it, but it made me feel better anyway). At first I was pretty much okay, he had a student teach the homework for a while, so it wasn't too bad. Then as we started getting into the lesson I just totally sunk once again. I really really wanted to just cry and freak out and cut myself and I don't know what else. But yeah, I was internally freaking out and I felt totally alone and could hardly sit still and really thought that I was going to start weeping uncontrolablly at any second, of course that allowed me to concentrate on the lesson wonderfully (I really don't think I know much of what we're doing at all). I just wanted to be held so much. I wanted to be in Alicia's arms and to hear her say that everything would be alright and that we would somehow make it through this, and knowing that I couldn't have that made me feel totally and completely alone and made things that much worse and harder and stuff. I really wonder what Mr. Arendell would have done if I just started randomly crying in the middle of his lecture about RAMs and Reimanns (or whatever they are called), I think it might have been kind of amusing in hind-sight, especially seeing as now that we've changed seating I'm right in the front. I could have been interesting. Hmmm.... I mean what does one do as a teacher with some random bawling young woman. He he. I would try it sometime except that it would be terribly awkward and might cause my parents to really worry which we're really trying to get away from, so probably not, unless it just kind of happens in which case, oh well I guess. I'm so weird. Anyway... Calculus was pretty much awful in that regard. Attempting to do the homework tomorrow will be really great. Oh well. After Calculus was Varsity Choir. It was kind of okay, just kind of there and numb and stuff. I don't know, it was somewhat up and down, but not nearly as much so as any other point, so I can't really complain. I did get my ensemble music today (oh joy), I really like choir and solo and ensemble and all that stuff, but our piece is in French (only my least favorite language ever). I wouldn't mind it that much if things were pronounced the way they look, like Latin or Spanish or Italian, noooo they are too good for that so they have to add random x's and s's and r's and junk to confuse the heck out of me. Sorry, I like to whine. But yeah, I totally agree with what Lezlie had to say about French on her post today, it made me smile and laugh. After Choir was lunch. I am still not eating much at all right now. Oh well, I'm just not really hungry or anything (I blame the medication, it is my scape goat for everything right now). But yeah, at lunch I told Kellie about my experience with my parents. She thought they were nuts and was totally in agreement that reading my journal was sooo rude. It made me happy. After that was World Geography, only the most pointless class in the world. Got to love Freshman ((rolls eyes)). At least it is easy I guess, and I got to read a little Sabriel which was nice, I'm really loving it and I've not gotten much time to read it lately. Anyway, I was just kind of down/there in that class. Then after school I went to voice lessons with Mrs. Hardy. I have to say that I love that woman to death!!! We started out the lesson kind of randomly because Mr. Hardy was playing video games on the TV in the room with the piano, and we didn't really want to start with him there. So we started talking about random stuff like scrapbooking and she showed me her enormous amount of scrapbook stuff and her adorable and extremely intricate scrapbook. She has a philosophy that all the pages she does have to be good enough to be seen in a magazine, she's nuts. Anyway... then I ended up telling her about my mess with my parents, I mean, she's known some basic stuff, but I told her all about Monday and stuff. She is so wonderful to talk to and so extremely sympathetic. It is really weird, but since the first time I met her I was able to be really open with her and cry in front of her and stuff, which is kind of weird for me because I'm not extremely open, especially with adults. Anyway, my lesson started at 3:45 and was supposed to go until 4:15, I stayed there talking until about 5:15. It was really great to get it all out, especially my frustration with my parents and stuff. We didn't sing at all, but it really helped me. My mom ended up calling about 5 wondering if I was still there, oh well. The only really awkward thing was that Mr. Hardy was at home and I'm sure he heard a fair amount of our conversation. I don't know, that is just kind of awkward. Oh well, it is what it is. After that I came home and was told that we were going to go out to dinner. So I got dressed and ready to go to Young Women (we went to the temple tonight) and then we ate at a Chinese place. I ate way more than I have in a while and I was really frustrated with myself because of it and just wanted to make myself throw it all back up (really awful I know). Luckilly I went to Young Women right after wards and said to myself "Melody Elizabeth, you are in the temple, you can't be bulimic here of all places" so yeah, I was good, no worries. I don't know why I'm so "obsessed" with the way I look and wanting to lose weight right now. It isn't particularly good or healthy I'm sure, oh well, nothing I'm doing or wanting to do is particularly good or healthy right now, so what can I say. But it's not like I could be completely anorexic or anything anyway, my mother is way too observant for that. And I know I couldn't be bulimic, I mean, maybe once or something, but I couldn't handle that for very long, plus it gets really bad and you can't stop on your own, so it is a loss of control which wouldn't go over well with me and my control freak self. So anyway, getting back on topic, going to the temple tonight was really wonderful. I needed it I think. I got to do some family names which is always cool. Plus, I don't know. I just kind of got to the point where I was like, "Okay God, I realize that I am struggling more and more, I realize that I need help, that I can't do this on my own anymore, that I need direction. Please just show me what to do, and I'll do it, that is really scary for me, but I will do it somehow because I know I can't do it on my own." So yeah, then I just felt a lot better. Then after everyone had left I went into the waiting room thing and there is a really beautiful picture of Christ in there and it just really strongly affected me tonight. I just sat in the room alone crying, it was rather refreshing. In the picture he just looked so loving and compassionate, like he knew the pain that I'd gone through and he empathized with it. It just seemed to be saying "I know what it's like, I've felt it, but I know you can do it, I overcame it all and now I can help you do the same. Even when you feel alone, I am there. When you want to be held, my arms are outstretched. I am carrying you through this dark time and together we will make it and you will be so much stronger and more like me." It was just really cool. I really love the temple. It is weird though, because most of my most powerful experiences are in the waiting room alone. It is just kind of neat. Anyway, so yeah, the temple is awesome. I should really go more often, especially since we finally have one so close. So yeah, after I came home I had kind of rough time getting anything done, hence why it is two in the morning and I'm still writing. I did finish my essay though so I'm really proud of that. I've just been really angsty and stuff all night with no motivation or energy. I really want to cut myself so so bad. I burned myself again last night, but it just doesn't work nearly as well as cutting. I miss it so so much. It is a release and I really want that right now. I really want to call Aaron and beg and cry and plead with him to let me cut again. It is so frustrating and hard. So yeah, poor Amara had to deal with me and my angsty self tonight because everyone else was asleep :). She was good about it though. Well, I really should go, I'm tired and I really do need to go to Seminary tomorrow. Good night. Until later....
-Mel