(no subject)
i was looking at old pictures and listening to beck
came across a picture and thought of something melissa told me she said to the effect of "he doesnt deserve custody of his son" or rather. I guess quitting my job to spend every moment of every day I had with my son doesnt owe up to her ideals, well, im definitely a better father than yours will ever be so do us both a favor and chug some bleach and die, two-faced cunt. And she wonders why I dont want her in my apartment, ever. People never cease to amaze me, so self rightous, so judgemental.
I feel unbelievably guilty for having such an amazing source of happiness right now and such great friends, im not going to lie and say im not dieing inside, but they help, tremendously.
today makes 39 days. 39 days without my reason to live. i'm trying to not be self destructive but its not working. I'm trying to not let my world crumble around me and its not working.
I'm turning this amazing corner and i want his little hand in mine when i do it, he would be our only guest, and it would be perfect, not that it wont be anyways. but, perfection +1.
I read and read and think about what this is doing to him. Half of his life just stoppped. His mema, his papa john, uncle matt, GG, PA, his train that still sits where it fell off the tracks the last day he was here. All of his clothing that I washed and folded atop the dryer. No one goes in his room, it just sits there waiting for him.My mom drives around with his car seat in her car. I bought christmas presents, birthday presents. They just sit there. I just sit here, waiting, not knowing what to do with myself. Not falling apart, not putting together, just waiting. This entry is poor and disjointed but its all im capable of right now. An incompetant lawyer and a paperwork error lead to all this and then people wonder why I speak of what is and is not fair in life, what else should I call it? just? deserved, is this the pill you all swallow? is it this big? is this what life feeds all of us? I'm pretty sure the answer is no so I am positive I am allowed to say that this is not fair, not deserved, not just. I'm so angry, vengeful, distraut , but I'll still smile because its the only way i get myself from day to day.
I need to fall asleep, now. I cant spend every night like this, i dont have the strength. my voicemail, i listen to my voicemail, watch the movies I have of him. thats waht puts me to sleep, or keeps me up, drives me closer to the edge. go to sleep. go to sleep michael, wake up to another day and hope it ends better than this one is.
came across a picture and thought of something melissa told me she said to the effect of "he doesnt deserve custody of his son" or rather. I guess quitting my job to spend every moment of every day I had with my son doesnt owe up to her ideals, well, im definitely a better father than yours will ever be so do us both a favor and chug some bleach and die, two-faced cunt. And she wonders why I dont want her in my apartment, ever. People never cease to amaze me, so self rightous, so judgemental.
I feel unbelievably guilty for having such an amazing source of happiness right now and such great friends, im not going to lie and say im not dieing inside, but they help, tremendously.
today makes 39 days. 39 days without my reason to live. i'm trying to not be self destructive but its not working. I'm trying to not let my world crumble around me and its not working.
I'm turning this amazing corner and i want his little hand in mine when i do it, he would be our only guest, and it would be perfect, not that it wont be anyways. but, perfection +1.
I read and read and think about what this is doing to him. Half of his life just stoppped. His mema, his papa john, uncle matt, GG, PA, his train that still sits where it fell off the tracks the last day he was here. All of his clothing that I washed and folded atop the dryer. No one goes in his room, it just sits there waiting for him.My mom drives around with his car seat in her car. I bought christmas presents, birthday presents. They just sit there. I just sit here, waiting, not knowing what to do with myself. Not falling apart, not putting together, just waiting. This entry is poor and disjointed but its all im capable of right now. An incompetant lawyer and a paperwork error lead to all this and then people wonder why I speak of what is and is not fair in life, what else should I call it? just? deserved, is this the pill you all swallow? is it this big? is this what life feeds all of us? I'm pretty sure the answer is no so I am positive I am allowed to say that this is not fair, not deserved, not just. I'm so angry, vengeful, distraut , but I'll still smile because its the only way i get myself from day to day.
I need to fall asleep, now. I cant spend every night like this, i dont have the strength. my voicemail, i listen to my voicemail, watch the movies I have of him. thats waht puts me to sleep, or keeps me up, drives me closer to the edge. go to sleep. go to sleep michael, wake up to another day and hope it ends better than this one is.