Hello life, go fuck yourself
my body clock was one day behind itself, my computer was one day fast, so all in all I think we lost three days there. Because of this I thought I had an extra day to get work, but no, now it could be one to two weeks before I get a job, fuck shit balls, you are a total moron blair, well done, how about you fail at life all over again.
We fought again tonight, mum wants me to get a job, I want to get a job. I have so many debts, I feel like I'm drowning, theres so much thats meant to happen in the next few months and I just don't know how its possible. I'm scared. I'm confused and I'm so freaking unhappy, could a job really fix all of this? I need to help myself but right now I don't know how. I just wish someone would come and save me already, its childish but I don't care.
and here I am dreaming about moving out, living with rach and kathy. I can't look after myself, can't keep a job for a decent time because I end up hating it and thinking, hey a few days to relax, bum around, then it turns into two weeks and my birthday is 10 weeks away, the girls comming over is far closer, how is this going to work? I need to pay off my debts, start paying rent and my way in the household. dammit why couldn't I do this, I thought I could, fucking niaevety, egotistical moron. And no I'm not falling into self pitty, I'm confused, annoyed at my lack of being able to salvage this stupid fucking situation, but don't worry I am not going all emo, omg the world is going to end my life is so fucking terrible. Bah I'm just a bitter, lost and confused fucking mess, thank god I'm getting pissed tomorow, I half want to get kathy to by me ciggs as well though I am not entirely sure that she would and its s tupid idea anyway.
oh for christ sake linkin park, shut the shitting hell up, jesus. -_- stupid itunes and its lack of decent music playing
it seems a strange parallel that is a constant unbalance in my system, life in so many area's is so great at the moment, so I'm stuck in this happy sad thing and I am left feeling as if I have one foot on land and the other on a wonky sinking ship. I really am sucking at using words to explain myself at the moment (note all the swearing instead) which should be annoying and embaressing me more than it is at present.
I want to be a bum and work for the wilderness society. but at the moment I really can't do that, when I have saved and maybe have a second other part timey kinda job, maybe just casual temping a few days a week then I can do that. i just have to go home, pay off my debts, start saving money, start paying for rent, bills and general food shit. wooo, fucking arg.
I want a white board for the fridge, so mum and I can communicate that way, it soo works. I think the one thing thats saving out relationship is gilmore girls and general tv watching, that and everyday I vacume, wash dishes, hang out washing and make sure that my room is clean, general shit really but mum is happy that I am doing since I suppose before I left I really wasn't.
Meeting kathy at the botanicle gardens tomorow we are going to read and laze around and I will take photo's ^^ it will be alot of fun, I should be interveiwing for temp jobs, mums angry that I'm not. I should be angry that I am not, its my own fault after all, if I got an interveiw I might be able to get a job next week. But no I want to go and laze around and have fun and get pissed watching anime. I'm a foolish selfish moron. How'd I become this? Why am i letting myself screw everything over like this? Wish I could find the answers, but they do't matter all that much, cause I know that i am doing this, and yet I just keep on letting it happen.
What a fool I have become.