the allure of no.
It's the smell of loneliness;
the flame sputtering, burning, but not catching haphazard tinder.
Even my words are shaking
These long,
long pauses between release.
Write with my right, smoke with my left. I don't want to smoke anymore, but I light them for assistance.
Catharsis.
Writing isn't enough right now and it seems so wrong. So wrong when ut has always been fucking
IMPORTANT.
The cigarette burns halfway through, and this is good.
The small talk needs to come before the big talk,
the soft, shy glances before the devouring gaze. The bottomless thirst before the satisfying quench.
The lines of you beneath your shirt.
I think of how little the space between us could be.
How nervous I was to casually offer my bed
(offer my body)
but how vaguely relieved I was when you declined.
How quick you were to offer a Friday, a Saturday, the future. Soothing mild rejection. Giving what you could in absence of what you could not.
What I want to say is that I am thankful you declined. I'm thankful that for once the answer was "no, not right now", because I am easily vulnerable, prone to
leaping
under pressure from within. I think I like you more for "no."
There is very little 'no' from the men in my life of late.
the flame sputtering, burning, but not catching haphazard tinder.
Even my words are shaking
These long,
long pauses between release.
Write with my right, smoke with my left. I don't want to smoke anymore, but I light them for assistance.
Catharsis.
Writing isn't enough right now and it seems so wrong. So wrong when ut has always been fucking
IMPORTANT.
The cigarette burns halfway through, and this is good.
The small talk needs to come before the big talk,
the soft, shy glances before the devouring gaze. The bottomless thirst before the satisfying quench.
The lines of you beneath your shirt.
I think of how little the space between us could be.
How nervous I was to casually offer my bed
(offer my body)
but how vaguely relieved I was when you declined.
How quick you were to offer a Friday, a Saturday, the future. Soothing mild rejection. Giving what you could in absence of what you could not.
What I want to say is that I am thankful you declined. I'm thankful that for once the answer was "no, not right now", because I am easily vulnerable, prone to
leaping
under pressure from within. I think I like you more for "no."
There is very little 'no' from the men in my life of late.