It dosnt feel like it again
Thursday will be another year that i can check off. A year older a year wiser as they say. Not like i feel much wiser. Im gonna be 19, yet when i look at it i dont even feel like i should be. Where have i come in these 19 years. Not far i would have to say. Ive watched people my whole life. Ever since i can remember i had a facination in people. I used to wonder what they were thinking all the time. Used to be curious about all the experences that they had in their heads. The things that drove them to live every day. The things that made them decide what they did. But when i look at myself now i wonder the same thing. And i dont still dont know. I cant even understand what i am thinking. All my experences should be leading me somewhere, right? But when i looka t where im headed i see nothing. Its a dark path, a path that i have to draw for myself. Its like being trapped in a kaleidoscope, only i can see myself in the middle, and all the other "images" are other people, people i know. I see them and me all along our own "paths" the paths are like highways. They are along their own highways, with their alot of things along the road, the things are experences, they are things that they have done, or that they could do, exits that they can get off on, and they are happy with what they are seeing where they are going. However looking into this kaleidoscope im in the middle and my path, my highway is barren, in fact im not even drivnig in mine, im still walking, getting to places alot slower than the other people. Its all so confusing because i really dont know what im doing with my life. I dont know where im supposed to go. I cant ask for directions even ecause there is nothing that i know of on the hirozon to get to, its like an endless desert, theres noting to get to. And it worries me. beause i know that if i dont find out where to go soon im not going to get anywhere. Ill stay where i am at. Not moving, not looking for any other opertunities. Im afaraid that im gong to be stuck right where im at all my life. Im worried that ill never get off my ass, that ill sit ar my computer every day like i have been and waste my life away. Im afarid that ill end up like that, and watching myself do it. While i watch everyone else move along dong great things. and yet still wondering what dirves them and how they make their decisions every day. I used to think i was smart, i would look at people and think "wow that guy is stupid, why does he have to be alive." But now i know for sure that i am the stupid one, im the one that dosnt know what im doing. The people i used to think were dumb are the ones that have the better jobs than me, that started driving when they were younger. They are the ones that understand how things work. I odnt. They know how to go out and get a scholarship and look at colleges. I dont. And im openly admitting it now, that that is the main reason why i am here doing nothing, and worrying. I DO NOT GET HOW ALL OF THAT STUFF WORKS. No one has ever showed me what i can do to learn. I have never been guided in the right direction. No one ever told me, "learn this, read this or your gonna end up not knowing what your doing and then your going to watch people that are dumber than you succede where you cant." Right now all i want is to finally feel like i know what i am doing, to feel in control of something. I dont want to be stuck in the same place that i am now later. 19 years has lead up to nothing for me. I know that im going to end up in a conversation some day where people are tallking about how great their 18th and 21st birthdays were, right now if i had a conversation about my 18th birthday, i couldnt tell you anyting that i did, honestly i dont remember it, i didnt do anything. I have spent my life doing nothing. Im finally starting to get into some things now but i still dont know what im doing. Its all new to me. And alot of it i still dont understand. And i worry about it all the time.