I look like a rock.. but I'm far from solid..
Hi my names Selena.. I'm 18 years old.
I'm nervous and moody and akward and insecure.
I've made some poor decisions in my life.. but I've made it onto a successful path.
My favourite movie is the Wizard Of Oz.
I feel like Dorothy right now.
I'm in Quebec, Mount Tremblant, and I feel like I'm in The Emerald City.
It's beautiful and green, mountains and trees and lakes and bright stars at night.
But all I want to do is go home, and click my ruby red slippers and be off.
I'm going down this yellow brick road and the friends I've met along the way are nice, but I miss my friends at home.
I often feel like the characters from the Wizard Of Oz. No brain, no courage, no heart.
I feel dumbed down compared to the older people I'm surrounded by in this beautiful little village.
I look like a rock to them.. but I'm anything from solid.
I feel so lonely sometimes I think that I could just die from loneliness itself.
Like old people do when their wife or husband passes away.
I have my good days and bad days. Today is so-so.. I'm fairly content but contemplative, and caring too much what other people think.
But I only feel really happy when I'm drunk. Is this bad?
It's my liquid confidence.
I feel like I can dance and sing and be myself and talk to everyone.
I feel pretty when I'm drunk, I feel important when I'm drunk.
But surprisingly, no, I'm not an alcoholic.
However I wish I could feel this way when I'm sober, more happy, more confident, more allowed to be me.. the crazy girl who has the biggest smile on her face and loves to make everyone else around her glow.
But here, I feel deprived of this.
They look at me like I'm stupid. And sometimes I think I am.
Just like I think I'm fat.
If you hear it often enough, you start to believe it.
I feel very invalid and so far away from those that really understand me and love me for me.
I feel like losing weight would fix everything, that twenty pounds less would give me confidence.
Sure I have a few friends here. But two of them have left for a week to Nova Scotia, so I feel alone right now.
I find myself second guessing things I seemed so certain of.
I wasn't going to finish highschool, I was going to get my G.E.D and go to college next year.
I want to be a chef and then travel the world and then open my own restaurant in New Zealand.. but what if I was meant to follow another path?
Should I finish high school, so I can join in those conversations about politics, and history.. do I want to be the girl who knows very little about the 2nd world war and couldn't tell you what you'd get if you put two chemicals together?
Smoking pot has ruined my memory.. this makes me very self-concious.
Things I learned last summer.. that we're important.. have slipped away from me.. this makes me anxious..
I want to be smart, though people tell me I am. I want to know every word in the dictionary and be a walking thesaurus.. but everything seems so far from my reach.
I don't have the confidence, I don't think I'm capable. I can't stand in front of a crowd and speak out-loud. So I can't be a kitchen manager, because you have to talk in front of your staff.
I feel very insecure right now.
And I'm wondering, is there anyone out there that feels this way?
That feels like what college they go to will decide the rest of their future..
That feels like they should be somewhere other than where they are?
What am I to do.. I feel so misplaced sometimes. And awkward all the time.
I think I'm finally experiencing what it's like to be a teenager.
I'm no longer invincible, as I once felt back home. I've left that comfy couch for a stern wooden chair that won't shape it's mold to my taste.
So tommorrow I'll put on a smile and I'll do an excellent job at work, and no one will ever know that I'm not solid like a rock.
Unless they read this.
I'm nervous and moody and akward and insecure.
I've made some poor decisions in my life.. but I've made it onto a successful path.
My favourite movie is the Wizard Of Oz.
I feel like Dorothy right now.
I'm in Quebec, Mount Tremblant, and I feel like I'm in The Emerald City.
It's beautiful and green, mountains and trees and lakes and bright stars at night.
But all I want to do is go home, and click my ruby red slippers and be off.
I'm going down this yellow brick road and the friends I've met along the way are nice, but I miss my friends at home.
I often feel like the characters from the Wizard Of Oz. No brain, no courage, no heart.
I feel dumbed down compared to the older people I'm surrounded by in this beautiful little village.
I look like a rock to them.. but I'm anything from solid.
I feel so lonely sometimes I think that I could just die from loneliness itself.
Like old people do when their wife or husband passes away.
I have my good days and bad days. Today is so-so.. I'm fairly content but contemplative, and caring too much what other people think.
But I only feel really happy when I'm drunk. Is this bad?
It's my liquid confidence.
I feel like I can dance and sing and be myself and talk to everyone.
I feel pretty when I'm drunk, I feel important when I'm drunk.
But surprisingly, no, I'm not an alcoholic.
However I wish I could feel this way when I'm sober, more happy, more confident, more allowed to be me.. the crazy girl who has the biggest smile on her face and loves to make everyone else around her glow.
But here, I feel deprived of this.
They look at me like I'm stupid. And sometimes I think I am.
Just like I think I'm fat.
If you hear it often enough, you start to believe it.
I feel very invalid and so far away from those that really understand me and love me for me.
I feel like losing weight would fix everything, that twenty pounds less would give me confidence.
Sure I have a few friends here. But two of them have left for a week to Nova Scotia, so I feel alone right now.
I find myself second guessing things I seemed so certain of.
I wasn't going to finish highschool, I was going to get my G.E.D and go to college next year.
I want to be a chef and then travel the world and then open my own restaurant in New Zealand.. but what if I was meant to follow another path?
Should I finish high school, so I can join in those conversations about politics, and history.. do I want to be the girl who knows very little about the 2nd world war and couldn't tell you what you'd get if you put two chemicals together?
Smoking pot has ruined my memory.. this makes me very self-concious.
Things I learned last summer.. that we're important.. have slipped away from me.. this makes me anxious..
I want to be smart, though people tell me I am. I want to know every word in the dictionary and be a walking thesaurus.. but everything seems so far from my reach.
I don't have the confidence, I don't think I'm capable. I can't stand in front of a crowd and speak out-loud. So I can't be a kitchen manager, because you have to talk in front of your staff.
I feel very insecure right now.
And I'm wondering, is there anyone out there that feels this way?
That feels like what college they go to will decide the rest of their future..
That feels like they should be somewhere other than where they are?
What am I to do.. I feel so misplaced sometimes. And awkward all the time.
I think I'm finally experiencing what it's like to be a teenager.
I'm no longer invincible, as I once felt back home. I've left that comfy couch for a stern wooden chair that won't shape it's mold to my taste.
So tommorrow I'll put on a smile and I'll do an excellent job at work, and no one will ever know that I'm not solid like a rock.
Unless they read this.