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[impossibletears]

everyone around me, everyone important, is hurting.
and half of it is my fault.

i don't even know how to say the things going on in my head.

I'm scared and i'm angry and i'm guilty and i'm sick of it.

I'm trying so hard to find that balance, to give people the things they need and be right for them.

but i just keep messing it up. and it seems like the one and only person who expects nothing from me is the only one who i can be right for. but i still cant give him the things he deserves.

There's nothing about me that feels genuine right now. it feels like i'm being worn as a costume by all these different people with different agendas and different expectations.

some of them expect me to save them, some expect me to save myself, and some just want me to be something i cant.

and once again, the only one who;s not doing that is the one i have to deny.

it's all wrong. everything just feels out of place, but it all looks the same. as though some prankster has snuck into my world and shifted everything over a few inches when i wasn't looking.

I can't write, because i can't express any of this in an eloquent way. i cant twist it up and make it sound lovely when i have no idea what it is.
I'm familiar with heartbreak, i have lived inside it, breathed it in and exhaled it from my life time after time. I can write it because I know it.

But this, this is so new, so confusing and so vexing.

i have to words for it.
and i have no words for most of them.
but for one...i have too many.