He loves me, he loves me not. he loves me, he loves me not. he loves me.....
(ALL PACKMATES PLEASE READ i know its long, but i need you all to hear this. i need your help. i need advice....please.....)
how am i supposed to know anymore? there is too much going on and all of it is so stressful....how do we end up with so many problems. ok. here's how its all playing out in my head as simply put as possible....
~Sage wants to be a singer and live in London. (probably after we get married)
~if i go with him, i will be incomplete without all of you.
~if i stay here with the pack, i will be incomplete without him.
~Either way i'll hardly ever get to see my husband cause he'll be touring and whatnot.
~I'm torn between my family (the pack) and the love of my life.
there. i know it all seems far off and distant future and all that, but recently i cant seem to think of much else. i dont know what to do and i dont know how to handle myself anymore. recently i've been doing what all of you have been telling me to do all along. think of myself and my own happiness. but truth to tell i dont like it. because no matter what, if i do what makes me happy, someone i care about inevitably end up unhapy, every single time. and i've been losing sight of so many responsibilities to all of you. i cant be happy unless everyone i love is happy. but i keep hurting people without meaning to. and thats not like me at all. how did i get so careless?
thinking of my own happiness just makes it so obviouse to me that no matter what, i cant find a way that i would happy living the rest of my life the way the people around me want it to play out. but thats so selfish. living my life to suit you all is what i do. it just...what i'm best at. and when i'm living the life that will make the people around me happy, i'm happy, because then theres no room for sadness or selfishness. when i'm living to make all of you happy, instead of to make myself happy, then my own happiness doesnt matter and its like i can be totaly in controll of my emotions, because at that point, they dont controll me. only my will to please controlls me. and all other emotion get squahed and put away because i dont have time for selfish emotion. sadness is a selfishness i cannot afford. fear is the same. i force myself not to feel either one because they would get in the way of making you all happy. so i simply dont feel them. and i can be compltly numb to everything except my love for you all. and thats how i live.
thats how i survive and i could live the rist of my life this way, but now the two entities i live to please are moving in two different directions. Sage toward fame and fortune and a busy life, and th pack toward simple, quiet, happy togetherness. very divergent intrests. and i'm stuck in between. and either way i have to abandon someone......i dont know how i will survive having to do that.......
how am i supposed to know anymore? there is too much going on and all of it is so stressful....how do we end up with so many problems. ok. here's how its all playing out in my head as simply put as possible....
~Sage wants to be a singer and live in London. (probably after we get married)
~if i go with him, i will be incomplete without all of you.
~if i stay here with the pack, i will be incomplete without him.
~Either way i'll hardly ever get to see my husband cause he'll be touring and whatnot.
~I'm torn between my family (the pack) and the love of my life.
there. i know it all seems far off and distant future and all that, but recently i cant seem to think of much else. i dont know what to do and i dont know how to handle myself anymore. recently i've been doing what all of you have been telling me to do all along. think of myself and my own happiness. but truth to tell i dont like it. because no matter what, if i do what makes me happy, someone i care about inevitably end up unhapy, every single time. and i've been losing sight of so many responsibilities to all of you. i cant be happy unless everyone i love is happy. but i keep hurting people without meaning to. and thats not like me at all. how did i get so careless?
thinking of my own happiness just makes it so obviouse to me that no matter what, i cant find a way that i would happy living the rest of my life the way the people around me want it to play out. but thats so selfish. living my life to suit you all is what i do. it just...what i'm best at. and when i'm living the life that will make the people around me happy, i'm happy, because then theres no room for sadness or selfishness. when i'm living to make all of you happy, instead of to make myself happy, then my own happiness doesnt matter and its like i can be totaly in controll of my emotions, because at that point, they dont controll me. only my will to please controlls me. and all other emotion get squahed and put away because i dont have time for selfish emotion. sadness is a selfishness i cannot afford. fear is the same. i force myself not to feel either one because they would get in the way of making you all happy. so i simply dont feel them. and i can be compltly numb to everything except my love for you all. and thats how i live.
thats how i survive and i could live the rist of my life this way, but now the two entities i live to please are moving in two different directions. Sage toward fame and fortune and a busy life, and th pack toward simple, quiet, happy togetherness. very divergent intrests. and i'm stuck in between. and either way i have to abandon someone......i dont know how i will survive having to do that.......