Crumpets
Please excuse the absurdity of the following post. At some ridiculous hour of the night on Thursday, my dear friend Lauren was in a rather bad moon. On the spur of the moment I made up this little story to keep her entertained. I promised her I'd post it somewhere, and here it is.
And now, for your entertainment, picture this: an octopus...a blue one. Sort of a cotton candy blue, mind you. With a mustache. Also a monocle. And he's got a bowler hat.
Now just to be clear, this particular octopus can not speak. Because you know, that would be weird. Octopi don't talk. He CAN however communicate via telepathy.
And his voice (that you hear in your head) sounds a good deal like Alan Rickman.
Here's the thing. This is a very polite octopus. And he would like to invite you over for tea. Tea and tiny cucumber sandwiches. You know, the kind with the crust cut off. But there's a problem. And that problem happens to be that you can not breathe underwater, and would therefor not survive such a visit. Which would cause some difficulties for your octopus friend. It's not exactly the most proper thing, to have a dead girl in your sitting room at tea time.
There would also be crumpets. Crumpets and jam. So obviously, it is imperative that you attend said tea party.
And so, you visit the only person you know personally who is both a mammal and a semi-aquatic creature. His name is Carl.
He happens to be a platypus.
So you explain your predicament to Carl, who is a bit irritated that you interrupted his game of solitaire. But once you assure him that he would be most welcome at the tea part too, if only he could find an appropriate outfit, he decides to assist you.
First though, you need to help him pick out something to wear, because Carl is something of a loner and not the most stylish of your friends.
While digging through his closet you come across several rather disturbing examples of fashion disaster. these include, but were not limited to, green cordory pants, a paisley button-down with ruffles all down the front,and a mustard yellow zoot suit. Also, inexplicably, a pair of women's go-go boots in white pleather.
You eventually come across the suit he wore to prom. It is obviously a decade or two outdated, but is still more suitable for tea with Walter the Octopus than anything else in his wardrobe.
Moments after you agree that he will wear the suit, you feel a sudden stabbing pain in your coccyx!
It seems that Carl has just used his heel spur to inject you with something.
Before you can stumble out of Carl's velvet-wallpapered bedroom, the floor starts spinning, you feel woozy...and there...there are so many colors....
Your neck begins to tingle, and then you can't see Carl's room any more. Suddenly you are surrounded by pastel clouds and there are tiny broccoli everywhere. All around you, dancing broccoli.
But then! Out of the distance, over the clouds, comes a giant hedgehog! and he eats every piece of broccoli in his path.
The hedgehog smiles at you serenely, and you notice that his quills seem to be changing. Their color shifts constantly, through every shade imaginable. It beckons you to follow it, and begins to skitter back the way it came.
You follow the hedgehog for what feels like quite a while, passing through many strange and indescribable places.
Eventually, you come to a structure that seems naggingly familiar, though you can't put your finger on why. The hedgehog enters and once again motions for you to follow. As you pass through the door, you become aware of the sound of music coming from somewhere. Harmonica music.
The hedgehog waddles over to a cabinet full of teeny tiny drawers. He shuffles around a bit and you have a hard time seeing what he is doing. He turns to you, holding something that you only barley catch a glimpse of before he puts it around your neck. You inspect the item and find it to be a rather pretty necklace with a charm in the shape of a mango. You also notice a slightly funny smell, but before you can think too much about it the hedgehog shoos you out of the little building.
You begin to walk away from it, but after a few steps you turn to have one last look. it finally occurs to you that the hut looks remarkably like Snoopy's dog house. Then, without warning, the funny smell gets stronger.
And then there is nothingness...
You open your eyes and are greeted by the smiling faces of Carl and Walter. Which is slightly disconcerting, as you would know had you ever witnessed a platypus and an octopus smile.
You find that you are stretched out on a chaise lounge in Walters very nicely appointed drawing room. His butler, Kevin the fugu fish, is in the corner holding a tray of smelling salts and looking a bit concerned.
You gather your voluminous skirts and daintily swirl off of the sofa, with Walter supporting your left arm in a very gentlemanly manner.
(Lauren: "Oh, Walter, you're so kind! I always did sort of fancy you in high school....")
You take a moment to reminisce abut your half-land, half-aquatic Alma mater, good old Hillwater high.
Soon though, you remember Steve, that one sea turtle who always teased you about your hair, and you get annoyed enough to remember that you are also a little bit pissed at Carl for not giving you any warning earlier.
However, it also occurs to you that you quite famished, and that a table on the other end of the room is lavishly set with an elegant high tea spread. You decide to suggest to your companions that it must be time to sit down the meal.
As you daintily nibble the tiny sandwich that Kevin set in front of you, you ask Carl to please explain his actions.
He instructs you to examine your neck, and Kevin provides a small silver mirror from a nearby side-table.
The first thing you notice is that you have brand new gills! You are understandably taken aback by this, until Walter and Carl explain that Carl's injection caused them to grow there, and that you will suffer no ill-effects from their presence. They are, in fact, what are allowing you to finally join the long-awaited tea party.
You marvel at these developments, and are glad for the tea, which is helping you feel more lucid after the strange dreams you experienced under the influence of Carl's odd elixir.
As Walter and Carl begin to bicker about the price of savings bonds, you distractedly pick up the mirror again to admire your gills
and it is at that moment, you notice that around your throat hangs the mango-shaped charm given to you by the mysterious hedgehog...
And now, for your entertainment, picture this: an octopus...a blue one. Sort of a cotton candy blue, mind you. With a mustache. Also a monocle. And he's got a bowler hat.
Now just to be clear, this particular octopus can not speak. Because you know, that would be weird. Octopi don't talk. He CAN however communicate via telepathy.
And his voice (that you hear in your head) sounds a good deal like Alan Rickman.
Here's the thing. This is a very polite octopus. And he would like to invite you over for tea. Tea and tiny cucumber sandwiches. You know, the kind with the crust cut off. But there's a problem. And that problem happens to be that you can not breathe underwater, and would therefor not survive such a visit. Which would cause some difficulties for your octopus friend. It's not exactly the most proper thing, to have a dead girl in your sitting room at tea time.
There would also be crumpets. Crumpets and jam. So obviously, it is imperative that you attend said tea party.
And so, you visit the only person you know personally who is both a mammal and a semi-aquatic creature. His name is Carl.
He happens to be a platypus.
So you explain your predicament to Carl, who is a bit irritated that you interrupted his game of solitaire. But once you assure him that he would be most welcome at the tea part too, if only he could find an appropriate outfit, he decides to assist you.
First though, you need to help him pick out something to wear, because Carl is something of a loner and not the most stylish of your friends.
While digging through his closet you come across several rather disturbing examples of fashion disaster. these include, but were not limited to, green cordory pants, a paisley button-down with ruffles all down the front,and a mustard yellow zoot suit. Also, inexplicably, a pair of women's go-go boots in white pleather.
You eventually come across the suit he wore to prom. It is obviously a decade or two outdated, but is still more suitable for tea with Walter the Octopus than anything else in his wardrobe.
Moments after you agree that he will wear the suit, you feel a sudden stabbing pain in your coccyx!
It seems that Carl has just used his heel spur to inject you with something.
Before you can stumble out of Carl's velvet-wallpapered bedroom, the floor starts spinning, you feel woozy...and there...there are so many colors....
Your neck begins to tingle, and then you can't see Carl's room any more. Suddenly you are surrounded by pastel clouds and there are tiny broccoli everywhere. All around you, dancing broccoli.
But then! Out of the distance, over the clouds, comes a giant hedgehog! and he eats every piece of broccoli in his path.
The hedgehog smiles at you serenely, and you notice that his quills seem to be changing. Their color shifts constantly, through every shade imaginable. It beckons you to follow it, and begins to skitter back the way it came.
You follow the hedgehog for what feels like quite a while, passing through many strange and indescribable places.
Eventually, you come to a structure that seems naggingly familiar, though you can't put your finger on why. The hedgehog enters and once again motions for you to follow. As you pass through the door, you become aware of the sound of music coming from somewhere. Harmonica music.
The hedgehog waddles over to a cabinet full of teeny tiny drawers. He shuffles around a bit and you have a hard time seeing what he is doing. He turns to you, holding something that you only barley catch a glimpse of before he puts it around your neck. You inspect the item and find it to be a rather pretty necklace with a charm in the shape of a mango. You also notice a slightly funny smell, but before you can think too much about it the hedgehog shoos you out of the little building.
You begin to walk away from it, but after a few steps you turn to have one last look. it finally occurs to you that the hut looks remarkably like Snoopy's dog house. Then, without warning, the funny smell gets stronger.
And then there is nothingness...
You open your eyes and are greeted by the smiling faces of Carl and Walter. Which is slightly disconcerting, as you would know had you ever witnessed a platypus and an octopus smile.
You find that you are stretched out on a chaise lounge in Walters very nicely appointed drawing room. His butler, Kevin the fugu fish, is in the corner holding a tray of smelling salts and looking a bit concerned.
You gather your voluminous skirts and daintily swirl off of the sofa, with Walter supporting your left arm in a very gentlemanly manner.
(Lauren: "Oh, Walter, you're so kind! I always did sort of fancy you in high school....")
You take a moment to reminisce abut your half-land, half-aquatic Alma mater, good old Hillwater high.
Soon though, you remember Steve, that one sea turtle who always teased you about your hair, and you get annoyed enough to remember that you are also a little bit pissed at Carl for not giving you any warning earlier.
However, it also occurs to you that you quite famished, and that a table on the other end of the room is lavishly set with an elegant high tea spread. You decide to suggest to your companions that it must be time to sit down the meal.
As you daintily nibble the tiny sandwich that Kevin set in front of you, you ask Carl to please explain his actions.
He instructs you to examine your neck, and Kevin provides a small silver mirror from a nearby side-table.
The first thing you notice is that you have brand new gills! You are understandably taken aback by this, until Walter and Carl explain that Carl's injection caused them to grow there, and that you will suffer no ill-effects from their presence. They are, in fact, what are allowing you to finally join the long-awaited tea party.
You marvel at these developments, and are glad for the tea, which is helping you feel more lucid after the strange dreams you experienced under the influence of Carl's odd elixir.
As Walter and Carl begin to bicker about the price of savings bonds, you distractedly pick up the mirror again to admire your gills
and it is at that moment, you notice that around your throat hangs the mango-shaped charm given to you by the mysterious hedgehog...