Searching through the stranded shipwrecks for the golden key.
Long-arse post, as if to make up for lost time...
Right then,
I have been back from Hell for about a week now, though, my energy is still low. I was tired and unfocused most of the time. So, I was thoroughly delighted when I saw that I have nothing on my agenda until later in the afternoon today.
I have been back and forth to Hell many times before, but nothing was as toiling as this time. Three days, I was down; broken, with not even the strength to move. Lying there in the pool of my blood, sweat, tear, and whatever bodily discharged you can imagine, the devil teased and taunted.
For three days, he jabbed, poked, and kicked at me with his feet, repeating the same question over and over, “Who do you believe in?”
I pondered and pondered. Just exactly WHO do I believe in? I have no prove that Heaven and Hell, as the popular believe, really exist. I can’t tell if there really is God or Devil. Of course, they are, in my head. But, I could be crazy and they all could just be my own imagination, for all I know. So, WHO do I believe in?
And then, a figure appeared in my mind. I tried to smile, it may have transferred to my physical face, it may not. At that point, it didn’t really make a difference.
“Death.” Maybe I said it, maybe I thought it. Either way, the devil seemed to get the picture.
“Yes, Death is certain,” he snorted, “but right now, even Death abandons you, does he not?”
The devil was right, back to square one. My mind searched for a new answer, the correct answer. And then, a thought occurred to me, as the devil stomped his heel on my back, applying more weight than I cared to bear. I’m not the only person frustrated by this situation. Three days, there’s only the devil and I in this dark pit of despair. He was as much “stuck here” as I was.
Funny, I couldn’t help myself even if I try. But, getting out of “Hell” meant not only I will be free, he as well. New surge of determination arrived, and I gave it all that I had.
It took me two more days before I could lift myself off the ground, but at least within those two days, the devil ceased his torment and opted for just pacing around watching me with narrow eyes.
The day I got back on my feet, I thought I saw his first genuine smile. He told me we probably will never see each other again before bursting into flame too bright for my eyes. When I opened my eyes again, he was gone and I was back on earth.
*****
I went to lunch with a friend the day after. My friend cocked his head to the side and asked, “What is following you?”
I startled, dropped the fork, and left my mouth hung open. Surely, he cannot see the devil following me around?!?! But, what if he could? I considered my answer.
“Erm..a guardian angel.”
Devil, he may be, but he had stuck with me through thick and thin, for better and for worst. You may say he is the spirit of self-preservation. But in my mind, he is as real as you and I, and it was him who preserved my life all the time, all these times. Tough love, I’d like to call it.
My friend laughed. “Thank you,” he said, “but, I meant what is following you, when you leave the room? Do people praise your good quality, or do they curse your unkindness? Is it the hurts from the past that you let follow you?”
“Oh.” I told him, “The good qualities, I hope.”
*****
Today is a beautiful cloudy day. I can hear the thunder from time to time. My bedroom was very dim even though it was 10 o’clock in the morning. I turned on my bedside lamp and grab the Harry Potter book.
Today is a good day for reading in bed.
I started to read the Half Blood Prince a couple of days ago, bold move for one who swore up and down the memory lane that the Harry Potter Series only consisted of 4 books.
‘Till this day, I still haven’t read Order of the Phoenix through-and-through. I only skimmed through here and there, read the chapter where the battle at the ministry happens, and toss it aside as soon as I found out who JKR nixed. Skimmed though less pages in the Half Blood Prince when the book came out. And only read the epilogue of the Deathly Hallow.
So, the thought below were inspired by the part of the book that is, in Dumbledore words, “leaving the firm foundation of fact and journeying through the murky marshes of memory into thickets of wildest guesswork.”
I hadn’t realized how much I missed JKR’s writing, and what a genius she is until I really start reading HPB this time; how thoughtful and detailed all the pieces of the puzzle were put together. I hadn’t realized how jaded and stubborn I was, to disregard and nullify book 5 to 7. I was very childish to reject something I really love, just because things didn’t go the way I wanted it to go.
And then, I thought of something else. (And this is the part where we are thick with speculation. But the point is essential to me, just the same.) Rumor has it that in book 7, Harry didn’t use his own wand but use someone else’s wand instead. I thought about this, and at first, I didn’t quite understand the necessity of wand-swap. Why did JKR do it?
And then, I thought, maybe the point of the wand was for the battle in the Goblet of Fire. The wand had lived its use. Thus, it does not matter what or whose wand Harry use after that point. (As I say, I haven’t read to that part, so this is purely MY speculation, but it serves the purpose of my reasoning.)
In one’s life, a person meets many people, acquires many things, and obtains much information. But like the wand - people, things and information - may, at some point, outlived their usage or become outdated, no longer useful. At that point, a person may have to let go of such people, things, and information. Perhaps obtain new ones that are more useful, or current and more up-to-date.
I have a habit of holding on to things. If my wand is broken, I’ll probably try to fix it and not letting go. Remember what happened to Ron’s wand in the second book? Sometimes, by not letting go, one creates more harm than good.
Maybe the reason I couldn’t read the continuation of Harry Potter books was because I was still holding on to the old wand, the old ways, the old information. I got stuck and couldn’t move with the world. Maybe I just grew up a little, and I can move on now.
I hadn’t been able to confront the book because the time wasn’t right. I was not ready.
I guess, in a way, I have transformed and, finally, learned to let go.
*****
And maybe, the devil also was transformed.
Maybe he really is a guardian angel.