below is an email I just sent to my pa
so this is something I'm struggling with right now. adulthood, great, eh?
20 January 2009
Pa,
This is an email that isn’t easy for me to write. I don’t want you to think that I can’t talk to you about this, it’s just that I still can’t talk about it without crying, and it’s really hard to understand someone who is sobbing, so I’m writing. I want to tell you, and in a format that you can understand me. On Sunday, you said you didn’t know what had bitten my touchus. The short answer is I want kids and a family of my own, but I don’t see it happening anytime soon, and it’s really hurtful. YOU aren’t hurtful, but when you ask me about my goals, it’s hard, cuz I want little ones, but there isn’t even anything on the horizon for husband, and I refuse to have little ones with out a partner.
I feel like it’s not a goal I can talk about or plan for. It’s something I desperately want, but I refuse to have little ones without a partner, and I refuse to search for a husband for the sole purpose of having kids. It would be grossly unfair and wrong to do either. So I’m left with no way to move forward except living my life as well as I can, and positioning myself to be the best human I can be. I have promised myself that if I never get a traditional family of my own, I will be a foster parent, so I do have that for a goal, but I, for myself, must be financially stable and comfortable with my work and living situation before I can do that, so, again, I’m at an impasse, aside from living my life, and being the best human I can be.
I have had this tender spot poked at as each season has established itself. I always thought that when I came home to the farm I would have a husband in tow, and would be starting my own family. I really wanted to come home and farm, and I still DO want to farm, but it’s just really hard to be “missing” half the equation. One of the hardest parts about it was I didn’t realize this was so deeply engrained. It’s like seeing a puddle, thinking it’s an inch deep and then stepping in up to your hip. Terribly uncomfortable, and sometimes you even berate yourself for not figuring it out ahead of time.
I’ve got a phenomenal family. I want to share it, and I want to bring little ones into it, and I want to be a mother. There are so many wonderful things in my life, I hate to whine about this, but it’s a very deep, and sometimes totally irrational, feeling. When I had a cookie and milk with my Grandparents Storlie the other day, it was really fun and enjoyable. Grandpa even left his football game to sit in the kitchen to chat for a bit about my chickens, and my brothers. He is so proud of Olaf getting a job straight out of college, and Thor keeping a job while going to school. He certainly had fun hearing about my green, pink, and brown eggs, too. I talked with Grandma about my cousins in Norway, and that was excellent, too. Afterward, tho, I felt bad, because (this is the irrational part) by not having little ones already, I am depriving my grandparents of great grandchildren, especially since I live closer than Norway. NOBODY has ever told me that I “owe” them grandkids, nieces, nephews, or anything like that. But I still feel like I’m letting the family down. Logically, I know that isn’t true. But it’s still hurtful enough to bring tears to my eyes as I type it.
Anyway, that’s some of what is biting my butt. I don’t have a problem with you talking about this with Bonnie, or with me. Please just understand I’m not rational about it, and I may or may not be able to talk about it with out crying. It’s not a secret or something I’m ashamed of, it’s just really HARD.
20 January 2009
Pa,
This is an email that isn’t easy for me to write. I don’t want you to think that I can’t talk to you about this, it’s just that I still can’t talk about it without crying, and it’s really hard to understand someone who is sobbing, so I’m writing. I want to tell you, and in a format that you can understand me. On Sunday, you said you didn’t know what had bitten my touchus. The short answer is I want kids and a family of my own, but I don’t see it happening anytime soon, and it’s really hurtful. YOU aren’t hurtful, but when you ask me about my goals, it’s hard, cuz I want little ones, but there isn’t even anything on the horizon for husband, and I refuse to have little ones with out a partner.
I feel like it’s not a goal I can talk about or plan for. It’s something I desperately want, but I refuse to have little ones without a partner, and I refuse to search for a husband for the sole purpose of having kids. It would be grossly unfair and wrong to do either. So I’m left with no way to move forward except living my life as well as I can, and positioning myself to be the best human I can be. I have promised myself that if I never get a traditional family of my own, I will be a foster parent, so I do have that for a goal, but I, for myself, must be financially stable and comfortable with my work and living situation before I can do that, so, again, I’m at an impasse, aside from living my life, and being the best human I can be.
I have had this tender spot poked at as each season has established itself. I always thought that when I came home to the farm I would have a husband in tow, and would be starting my own family. I really wanted to come home and farm, and I still DO want to farm, but it’s just really hard to be “missing” half the equation. One of the hardest parts about it was I didn’t realize this was so deeply engrained. It’s like seeing a puddle, thinking it’s an inch deep and then stepping in up to your hip. Terribly uncomfortable, and sometimes you even berate yourself for not figuring it out ahead of time.
I’ve got a phenomenal family. I want to share it, and I want to bring little ones into it, and I want to be a mother. There are so many wonderful things in my life, I hate to whine about this, but it’s a very deep, and sometimes totally irrational, feeling. When I had a cookie and milk with my Grandparents Storlie the other day, it was really fun and enjoyable. Grandpa even left his football game to sit in the kitchen to chat for a bit about my chickens, and my brothers. He is so proud of Olaf getting a job straight out of college, and Thor keeping a job while going to school. He certainly had fun hearing about my green, pink, and brown eggs, too. I talked with Grandma about my cousins in Norway, and that was excellent, too. Afterward, tho, I felt bad, because (this is the irrational part) by not having little ones already, I am depriving my grandparents of great grandchildren, especially since I live closer than Norway. NOBODY has ever told me that I “owe” them grandkids, nieces, nephews, or anything like that. But I still feel like I’m letting the family down. Logically, I know that isn’t true. But it’s still hurtful enough to bring tears to my eyes as I type it.
Anyway, that’s some of what is biting my butt. I don’t have a problem with you talking about this with Bonnie, or with me. Please just understand I’m not rational about it, and I may or may not be able to talk about it with out crying. It’s not a secret or something I’m ashamed of, it’s just really HARD.