Fic: Untitled (DS9 one-shot)
Pain chases the air from Bashir’s lungs and he realizes, far too late for it to be of any use, that now he is in over his head.
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Sometime between the whipping and the second drowning attempt, Bashir decides that he’s had better days. He can’t remember when, exactly, but he knows that they are there. They must be. It’s just that he ( Read more... )
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Sometime between the whipping and the second drowning attempt, Bashir decides that he’s had better days. He can’t remember when, exactly, but he knows that they are there. They must be. It’s just that he ( Read more... )
TBH I suspected it might not be Data, because I knew about that prompt and that it appealed to you. ;o) Nevertheless, I had the same reaction as PN when we got to the finger-breaking scene. Especially because up until that moment it really just seemed like a nice subtle seduction - in fact I almost started thinking "hey Data, taking some initiative, good for you!". ;o)
“No. I mean, yes, a bit, but it’s -” Bashir turns and realizes, no, this was the really bad move. If pressed back to front was Not Good, then chests to thighs to groins was Very Not Good. “ - not that bad,” he finishes weakly.
I loved that bit, the clever shuffling with the words 'good' and 'bad'. Nice.
I also liked it that you never state anywhere explicitly that Julian is attracted to Data. Apparently that is the case, but there is no flashback to their first meeting, Julian pondering that there was something sexy and special about him etc. etc. It's just a fact of the story that we have to take for granted.
He then turns to Bashir and strikes up a brief conversation
I found this a bit weird, to be honest. Why do you suddenly summarize a conversation instead of just showing it to us? It's by far the most interesting part of the scene, too. If you think the dialogue might get too long, I'd just skip the introductions between 'Data' and Garak instead.
Oh, I also LOVED the bit where Lore sucks up Julian's blood. I once wrote a tiny drabble in which Data does that for someone and have always wanted to see such a scene in the context of a whole story. Such nice bright colors. ;o)
The story is well-structured, I'd say, starting with Garak cancelling the lunch and ending with Bashir pondering how that event led to all the subsequent disasters. Even Garak's obvious suspicion during the developments - it seems like he was there all the time to stop it, but didn't, or couldn't.
Only - you've GOT to put in some of the torture. Not just because I'm sure it's very hot, but also because for the pacing of the fic the jump is just too sudden and too big from realizing that things have gotten out of hand to being almost dead. It's as if you've scooped out the filling of the story, as if you've only written a prologue and an epilogue, if you get what I mean. Especially because the first line of the last part refers to some extreme things that have apparently happened in-between, it feels to the reader like a bit of a cop-out, to put it very bluntly. Also I see you said to PN that the torture scenes contain a bit of plot, too, and are a way for you to explore Lore's madness - that would be the most interesting part of this fic! (At least, to me - I guess you know that I do find Lore generally more interesting as a character than Julian - sorry, guys...)
But I'll readily admit I am now DYING to see Lore wielding a WHIP. Holy fucking shit. *fans self* I have such a fetish for those things. ('Drowning attempt', BTW, sounds a bit strange... Why would Lore possibly fail?)
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As for Garak and Bashir's conversation, that was partly my love for all things implied but mostly I left it like that because I can't friggin' write Garak! I can write snarky Garak, but Garak-the-spy absolutely eludes me. I tried for ages to get the dialogue to come together and have multiple layers of meaning, but it just was not working and I kind of went, "Right, that's it. You're just not going to get any lines, then." So...yeah. I'll go back and look at that scene again, too.
Thanks for all the feedback! These comments are very helpful. I'll get the torture up as soon as I find it satisfactory...there will be whips, knives, and restraints, among other things :D
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Ah, I suspected as much. It's just that the word 'attempt' might make the wrong impression. ;o)
About the dialogue... Jesus I've tried so hard not to say this for fear of sounding arrogant again, but I'm losing the struggle. So... did you look at my Data/Bashir fic? ^_^ I did something similar there at the end (only Data wasn't present). I dunno, it might help, or something... (Other G/B writers must also have written similar dialogues which are probably way better than mine, but I don't read G/B as a rule so I can't rec you anything else... :o/)
A propos Mary Renault... I was in the library yesterday looking up some books on hellenism and I saw they had a copy of Mary Renault's 'Nature of Alexander'. Made me think of you. Also I remembered I once bought my mother (who is a scholar of ancient Greece) 'The Last of the Wine' - asked her the other day how she'd liked it and she said she thought it was brilliant. :o)
Knives?! Oh dear... you know, the thing is... I might be more into BDSM than PN, but I find actual torture, just plain pain-inflicting without any (sexual) pleasure for the victim, pretty hard to stomach... Well, we'll see. :o)
(What I do find absolutely delicious is how writing Lore (and also, for some of us, Garak) brings out the worst in us... When I read 'Last Exit for the Lost', I was really impressed by how nastily that girl had portrayed him. Then I started writing him myself and I also immediately felt this kind of lusting-over-violence that only he inspires in me. ;o) And then that post of mine at the comm recently about how he might abuse animals... I got such creative answers! XD I love seeing young women around me explore the darker parts of their minds this way....)
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I find actual torture...pretty hard to stomach
That's very interesting, because I am the exact opposite for the most part. I don't enjoy BDSM all that much, but reading torture isn't too much of an issue for me. I doubt I'll go into much detail in future versions of this fic, but it will be there. I do like how writing fanfic has allowed me to push my boundaries a little bit. Still having hangups on porn, but then again, I never thought I would write anything that even hinted at non-con...then a certain plot bunny came along.
(Although animal torture/abuse is one thing I cannot stomach. I hope you don't mind me not commenting on that thread, but all I would have been able to contribute would be something along the lines of, "Abuse the farmer instead! That'll prove he's not cut out for farm work!" Which isn't what you were going for at all.)
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