nerves

Mar 30, 2005 23:20

I am so nervous about going back to school for spring quarter.

The reason being my winter quarter was- less then great. And by that I mean a lot of crying and self pity and self loathing and moping. And what I've been telling myself for the past two months is that everything's going to be fine once spring quarter starts. I'll stop feeling stupid and disgusting regarding boys, and I'll stop feeling like I'm lame and sucky creatively, and I will just have a ton of adventure and excitement and passion and like read a million books like I did fall quarter, and feel like I'm going to go somewhere really great in life, like I did senior year, and everything would jsut fall into place. And I've jsut kept telling myself, spring quarter, it's all about spring quarter.

Which begins in four days. So now I'm going to have to make good on everything being better. Which is something I hope I can do.

So being home has been a lot of thinking about how to be better next quarter. Will definitely have to be stronger as a director, and trust in self more as opposed to thinking I'm worthless (because when you think your worthless it show on stage.) And am never dating someone like justin again- I don't need to be anybody's little wife, and I don't need to be used for my body, and I don't need a conservative-nazi agenda shoved down my throat. And I'm going to lose the "college tummy" and "college thighs" that I gained (thank you milanos that come in 10 freaking flavors and are like a three minute walk to purchase at the hilltop store) And I'm going to care about how I look, b/c even though winter quarter was of devoted to the pursuit of not needing men- spring qtr will be more like the pursuit of the possibility of someday loving and marrying, in which case do not want a college tummy and college thighs on my wedding night. do not want c. tummy and c. thighs in general. and I'm just going to put time into being smarter, and more brilliant, and more adventurous, and better all around. spring quarter has been kind of a holy grail for me for two months now- and it's completely all up to me to make good on that.

during this hibernation/preparation for being brilliant come spring quarter spring break time- have done the following- seen 2 rehearsals and 2 perfs of "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown", which mother directed and sister Emma starred in (Lucy, what what!), started trying to eat things that aren't white (mom says they will magically shrink tummy and thighs), read Carson McCullers "Heart is A Lonely Hunter" and Edith Wharton's "House of Mirth", watched Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Home Movies, and episodes of Various Reality TV as well as the tail end of a History Channel documentary on Sex in The Medieval Ages,gone to the beach and picked up sea shells, sat on my front lawn as hundreds of migrating butterflies flew past,and felt nervouse. but hopeful.
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