(no subject)
eurgh. i need to rant. and if i knew how to id put this in a seperate linky thingy that cathy showed me how to do but am still majoryly confused and i guess ranting is what this thingy's here for. so if you don't want to feel depressed. do not read. read fanfic instead.
i hate sharing. i dont know is that's something that comes with being the older sister but i hate it. it's part of me. ask any of my friends, any of the people who know me. im a possessive person by nature. but having two younger siblings, i ALWAYS have to share. and i hate it. with a passion. but usually i go along with it, usually i manage to purchase things that the others don't know about. its just having something that's MINE is so important. that's why i want to make my own life. be as independant as possible. get a job once school's over (like my parents would let me now). that's why little things like fanfic is so important to me. because it's MINE. well not in the whole sense. but it's mine in that noone else in my family knows it, reads it (and if they did, theyd never let me read it again). this all may seem extremely selfish. and it is. but i guess i'm a selfish person. and i know it isn't good but... it's like how there are nice people in the world. don't get me wrong, im selfish as long as it doesn't cause any harm to anyone else.
so, today. my brother (i will attempt to refrain myself from using expletives)... i hate sharing music. i hate it when i'm expected to allow my brother or sister to play music i've played. and i hate how my parents want me to share everything. selfish i know. but music to me, is something i need to put so much effort, time and just energy into. im not naturally good at it, yet when i put so much time into something, i wish it was mine. my brother and sister are naturally good at music. my brother has full perfect pitch and my sister might too. they can pick up things in half the time and way more than half the effort i put into pieces. they hardly practise (one hour to my two, sometimes three hours a day). so it's easy for them. and they ALWAYS end up being better than them. i don't resent them for this. i LIKE putting effort into things. it makes it feel more special, more worth it. but i'm competitive by nature. (which is another fault... ive got heaps). so knowing that they are better than me, i don't bother to TRY to compete. that's one of the reasons i like having my own pieces. i KNOW once i start sharing pieces, i WILL get competitive. and i'll lose. because i'm not naturally talented. i KNOW im not. everyone says so, my mum, teachers... so im used to it. i just dont want to put so much energy into something that will end up dissapointing me.
so, as melodramatic this might seem (im a drama queen, more faults.. i'm on a roll!) at the moment, i don't feel like i could ever play again. i can't see myself picking up a piece and learning it. heavens, they've turned something i love so much into something repulsive. i don't WANT it to be a competition, yet i know that's how it's going to be. i just wanted something that was my own... (apart from fanfic). a piece i could say was mine, that people could associate with ME. my relatives, think piano, they think my brothers and sisters (because they pl;ay more popular songs whereas i play the classical pieces. and i don't know as many pieces as they do as they learn quicker). i guess possession is important to me. and at the moment... it feels like nothing is ever going to be mine. and just thinking of the piano makes me feel... frustrated. and in a way, i don't feel like playing ever again, just to spite them. it seems childish and it is. (another fault). maybe i'll play one day. maybe this is the heat of the moment. maybe when i get rich and build my own life away from here, i'll buy a piano and start playing. i don't know
that was depressing. maybe i'll go listen to bad 90s pop now...
i hate sharing. i dont know is that's something that comes with being the older sister but i hate it. it's part of me. ask any of my friends, any of the people who know me. im a possessive person by nature. but having two younger siblings, i ALWAYS have to share. and i hate it. with a passion. but usually i go along with it, usually i manage to purchase things that the others don't know about. its just having something that's MINE is so important. that's why i want to make my own life. be as independant as possible. get a job once school's over (like my parents would let me now). that's why little things like fanfic is so important to me. because it's MINE. well not in the whole sense. but it's mine in that noone else in my family knows it, reads it (and if they did, theyd never let me read it again). this all may seem extremely selfish. and it is. but i guess i'm a selfish person. and i know it isn't good but... it's like how there are nice people in the world. don't get me wrong, im selfish as long as it doesn't cause any harm to anyone else.
so, today. my brother (i will attempt to refrain myself from using expletives)... i hate sharing music. i hate it when i'm expected to allow my brother or sister to play music i've played. and i hate how my parents want me to share everything. selfish i know. but music to me, is something i need to put so much effort, time and just energy into. im not naturally good at it, yet when i put so much time into something, i wish it was mine. my brother and sister are naturally good at music. my brother has full perfect pitch and my sister might too. they can pick up things in half the time and way more than half the effort i put into pieces. they hardly practise (one hour to my two, sometimes three hours a day). so it's easy for them. and they ALWAYS end up being better than them. i don't resent them for this. i LIKE putting effort into things. it makes it feel more special, more worth it. but i'm competitive by nature. (which is another fault... ive got heaps). so knowing that they are better than me, i don't bother to TRY to compete. that's one of the reasons i like having my own pieces. i KNOW once i start sharing pieces, i WILL get competitive. and i'll lose. because i'm not naturally talented. i KNOW im not. everyone says so, my mum, teachers... so im used to it. i just dont want to put so much energy into something that will end up dissapointing me.
so, as melodramatic this might seem (im a drama queen, more faults.. i'm on a roll!) at the moment, i don't feel like i could ever play again. i can't see myself picking up a piece and learning it. heavens, they've turned something i love so much into something repulsive. i don't WANT it to be a competition, yet i know that's how it's going to be. i just wanted something that was my own... (apart from fanfic). a piece i could say was mine, that people could associate with ME. my relatives, think piano, they think my brothers and sisters (because they pl;ay more popular songs whereas i play the classical pieces. and i don't know as many pieces as they do as they learn quicker). i guess possession is important to me. and at the moment... it feels like nothing is ever going to be mine. and just thinking of the piano makes me feel... frustrated. and in a way, i don't feel like playing ever again, just to spite them. it seems childish and it is. (another fault). maybe i'll play one day. maybe this is the heat of the moment. maybe when i get rich and build my own life away from here, i'll buy a piano and start playing. i don't know
that was depressing. maybe i'll go listen to bad 90s pop now...