(no subject)
i saw a dream, where i told her i hated her. shouted it, and everybody heard it, but no reactions at all. i don't know why she was there with me, but she was trying to come closer and i did everything i could to push her away, and she looked through me and said that she never really cared. and i said, i knew it all the time but still, i was trying to forget it because it felt like something i should do, for myself and for her.
and i didn't remember her face. she didn't look like her in that dream. i always forget voices first, then faces. when i have forgot faces, they're gone. she's gone, she doesn't matter anymore and there's no reason i'd hate her.
i have never said to anyone that i'd hate. it's such a strong expression, and exhausting. i don't know what i'm thinking. if you have hatred toward someone, it doesn't mean you hate, because hating, it's so, i don't know how to say this, there's only hatred then, and it's this blank feeling, it's nothing after all. and i can't feel like that, and sometimes it feels sad somehow. because it's extreme, and sometimes there's that need to be extreme, because it's the only thing that keeps your heart beating.
and i didn't remember her face. she didn't look like her in that dream. i always forget voices first, then faces. when i have forgot faces, they're gone. she's gone, she doesn't matter anymore and there's no reason i'd hate her.
i have never said to anyone that i'd hate. it's such a strong expression, and exhausting. i don't know what i'm thinking. if you have hatred toward someone, it doesn't mean you hate, because hating, it's so, i don't know how to say this, there's only hatred then, and it's this blank feeling, it's nothing after all. and i can't feel like that, and sometimes it feels sad somehow. because it's extreme, and sometimes there's that need to be extreme, because it's the only thing that keeps your heart beating.