Time is not a constant
Whoever said time was a constant was wrong. Even my father, the great physics professor, says Einstein's theory of Relativity actually proves time is NOT a constant, but rather it is subjective and wavering. Besides, think of popular culture and the sayings we hear every day: "Time stood still", "Time flies when you are having fun" and on and on. Time for me has always been different due to dissociation but even so its still off somehow even now. Today, I was a half an hour late to work for some unknown reason I cannot explain even now. I rose at my normal hour but somehow time just slipped past me and I never even noticed it being stolen. Damn you thief of time show yourself! Then I got to work and it was as though the great elastic band of time had been stretched all the way out. I remember when I truly enjoyed my job and time did not pour through my fingers as slowly as molasses, but was more like quicksilver. I feel so unnecessary now in my new position, even though its supposedly a "promotion". " Little Pointy David" asked me if I wanted to fill in for him on Saturday so I said, "Sure". I like receiving the fast pace might help snap me out of this deep dark hole I seem to be digging for myself. I am not even sure what has brought it on this time, its not quite the right time of year, its a bit early for my usual spring gloom and doom to start in. Perhaps the news of Boi going away for so long has done its damage to my nearly naked internal emotional defense system. Or perhaps its the stress of being so precariously balanced between home and Reno. This town has nothing left for me anymore; its as though it was once a beautiful full flower that gave off sweet nectar and I consumed all there was to be had. Now the blossom is dead and dry, offering nothing but dust.
I have been trying to convince myself that if we get this new house in Reno all will be right with the world, my world. Although we all know that's a cruel lie; my world will never be perfect.........I will search and search endlessly for a small wound, one almost healed, and tear away the scab with my ragged claws until fresh blood flows and stains my hands, my clothing, the floor, everything around me. Still who knows it cant be worse than this place that is forever soiled and besmirched with poisonous memories of death and decay. Maybe moving will allow me to put all that behind me, besides its too far for mother to come visit often which is a bonus .
When Frank and I were sitting out on the bench looking up at the mountains in Hidden Valley I hadn't felt such peace and serenity in years. And when the lone mustang appeared grazing as if he alone owned the environment; I knew deep within me this was the place I needed to live. Here I feel stifled, like I am slowly being drowned and no one notices or cares...................
"Christopher Robin is saying his prayers, but no one is up there, nobody cares.......................
"Christopher never wanted to die. The Devil promised him sweeties, but the Devil LIED!"--Current 93
I have been trying to convince myself that if we get this new house in Reno all will be right with the world, my world. Although we all know that's a cruel lie; my world will never be perfect.........I will search and search endlessly for a small wound, one almost healed, and tear away the scab with my ragged claws until fresh blood flows and stains my hands, my clothing, the floor, everything around me. Still who knows it cant be worse than this place that is forever soiled and besmirched with poisonous memories of death and decay. Maybe moving will allow me to put all that behind me, besides its too far for mother to come visit often which is a bonus .
When Frank and I were sitting out on the bench looking up at the mountains in Hidden Valley I hadn't felt such peace and serenity in years. And when the lone mustang appeared grazing as if he alone owned the environment; I knew deep within me this was the place I needed to live. Here I feel stifled, like I am slowly being drowned and no one notices or cares...................
"Christopher Robin is saying his prayers, but no one is up there, nobody cares.......................
"Christopher never wanted to die. The Devil promised him sweeties, but the Devil LIED!"--Current 93