I give up....
I am starting to feel like I am in a physcological thriller. I do not know who to trust. I have people telling me one thing and someone else something else entirely. The actions of those around me are communicating better then their words and they are not friendly. I am confused and want to believe what I am hearing but they are things that I have heard before. I want to hide away, I want to run away. More and more I feel a mistake was made when whatever creator put me where I am. I do not fit here. This is not right. I am making the same old mistakes again. I try so hard to be what people want and need me to be and I am not even sure if that is right. I do so much and do not ask for anything in return, but I should get something. I want to help, I offer it, I am not complaining about that...no no no. So for those who have asked for or for those who I have told I would help please do not think I did not want to help or that I am throwing it in your faces. I just think people know I will say yes when asked and certain people only talk to me when they need help. Even if that is the case I will still help because well I am a loser who wants friends.
My mother has prided herself on telling me where I am screwing up and what I need to be doing with my life. I am never good enough. I do not want to be good enough anymore. I am tired of trying. I will settle for her not yelling at me all the time or trying to buy her way into getting what she wants. It never works cause she takes back the money she gives me anyway. I will be happy when I can be free from her rule. I love my kids but if I have to go homeless to find sanctuary from her I will.
I falling further and further into my husband just has he is falling away from me. Even now he rather be in the other room then to ask if I am ok........I have been very sick and having horrible coughing fits. And when I do what is the hubby doing? nothing, that's what. I know there is not much he can do, but it would be nice if maybe just once he asked if I was ok or if need something to drink. I hope I have not gotten him sick. I have been running a temp and having problems breathing but still I get nothing out of him. He has been working earlier and later hours lately. Even talking about starting some work on weekends and I can't help but wonder if he is working just to get away from me or if he is cheating on me. I have already been through too many guys fucking me over I can not deal with him doing it. My heart hurts, I can not do this anymore, none of it. I give up.....
My mother has prided herself on telling me where I am screwing up and what I need to be doing with my life. I am never good enough. I do not want to be good enough anymore. I am tired of trying. I will settle for her not yelling at me all the time or trying to buy her way into getting what she wants. It never works cause she takes back the money she gives me anyway. I will be happy when I can be free from her rule. I love my kids but if I have to go homeless to find sanctuary from her I will.
I falling further and further into my husband just has he is falling away from me. Even now he rather be in the other room then to ask if I am ok........I have been very sick and having horrible coughing fits. And when I do what is the hubby doing? nothing, that's what. I know there is not much he can do, but it would be nice if maybe just once he asked if I was ok or if need something to drink. I hope I have not gotten him sick. I have been running a temp and having problems breathing but still I get nothing out of him. He has been working earlier and later hours lately. Even talking about starting some work on weekends and I can't help but wonder if he is working just to get away from me or if he is cheating on me. I have already been through too many guys fucking me over I can not deal with him doing it. My heart hurts, I can not do this anymore, none of it. I give up.....