(no subject)
Well I was supposed to have the babies this past weekend but "Daddy" decided in was not a good idea for me to have them anymore at my house for the weekends. Even though I had only had them once for two days since this whole 3 ring circus has begun. I was told I would have them for the next 2 weekend at my house. I made no plans with anybody because I would have the babies. My Aunt and Uncle stayed longer just to see them. My mom took next weekend off the spend Christopher's birthday with him, but now that is all gone. I was planning a birthday party with all of his friends that he has nott seen since his father took them from me. But well that has been ruined too. And even with all of this going on "Daddy" was so nice in inviting me to his families birthday party for Christopher this Thursday night at his work(Pizza Hut Tyson's Corner). Oh yes how pleasent put me in a room with your back stabbing relatives.
After getting the phone call letting me know all of this I was in such sock I called out on Friday. And then proceeded to drive to see "Daddy". What fucks me up the most is he is so goddamn nice to me in person. In a act of god or someone.....I managed to convince "daddy" & "granddaddy" to not take this children down south for a couple of days so I could go over and see them since I could not have them myself. It took everything I had in me not to grab both of them and run. I wanted to. Even if I didn't go far, even if I brought them back, just to have them for 10 minutes alone, just to hold them and tell them how much I love them would have been enough. I don't want them to forget me. Sunday when the babies were leaving with "daddy" to go out Christopher refused to let go of Ben, he was clinging on for dear life. He kpet saying he wanted to go with us, momma and Ben not daddy. In 1 very long minute the tide shifted. Ben was clinging to Christopher just as hard and I swear I could hear his heart break as he put him in the car. Christopher was crying and I am not sure who was going to start next, me, Ben or "daddy". Christopher was very angry and I just hope he knows that Ben and I wanted him to come with us, it was his father who didn't let him. I don't Christopher to be angry with me and think I do not want him.
I want this to be over with. I neeed this to be over with. I am tired of fighting. I am just tired. I am sleeping less and less and I am fighting with my mother more and more. She is pissed off and does not understand allot of what is going on. Ben is starting to understand but it still pisses him off. He is learning when to and when not to say certain things to me. I feel bad that he has to walk on egg shells around me. He mentions something about kids or babies and on the drop of a hat I am on the floor crying. He is doing the best he can but he is starting to get upset at the fact that I do not sleep with him everynight. Most nights I stand over Aiden's crib for hours then fall asleep on the floor. If I am not there then I have fallen asleep in Christopher's bed upstairs. I know Ben loves me and them too. And I know it is hard for him right now, it is hard for both of us, this is not a good way to start a marriage. But I am not sure what I can do to help, to make things better. I am not sure what he wants from me. I know my family misses them, but they will never know what it is like to be the mother. NO ONE DOES! I had to listen to my mother, who never had to go through this, she got my brother and I and well there was no threat that John would leave with Sean, ever. And my Aunt WHO HAS NO FUCKING CHILDREN, SHE GOT PREGNANT ONCE AND KILLED IT, SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO, EVER, WHEN IT COMES TO KIDS!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am seriously considering getting a few old crappy cars, some beer, good friends and some baseball bats. I think most of you can figure out the rest.
After getting the phone call letting me know all of this I was in such sock I called out on Friday. And then proceeded to drive to see "Daddy". What fucks me up the most is he is so goddamn nice to me in person. In a act of god or someone.....I managed to convince "daddy" & "granddaddy" to not take this children down south for a couple of days so I could go over and see them since I could not have them myself. It took everything I had in me not to grab both of them and run. I wanted to. Even if I didn't go far, even if I brought them back, just to have them for 10 minutes alone, just to hold them and tell them how much I love them would have been enough. I don't want them to forget me. Sunday when the babies were leaving with "daddy" to go out Christopher refused to let go of Ben, he was clinging on for dear life. He kpet saying he wanted to go with us, momma and Ben not daddy. In 1 very long minute the tide shifted. Ben was clinging to Christopher just as hard and I swear I could hear his heart break as he put him in the car. Christopher was crying and I am not sure who was going to start next, me, Ben or "daddy". Christopher was very angry and I just hope he knows that Ben and I wanted him to come with us, it was his father who didn't let him. I don't Christopher to be angry with me and think I do not want him.
I want this to be over with. I neeed this to be over with. I am tired of fighting. I am just tired. I am sleeping less and less and I am fighting with my mother more and more. She is pissed off and does not understand allot of what is going on. Ben is starting to understand but it still pisses him off. He is learning when to and when not to say certain things to me. I feel bad that he has to walk on egg shells around me. He mentions something about kids or babies and on the drop of a hat I am on the floor crying. He is doing the best he can but he is starting to get upset at the fact that I do not sleep with him everynight. Most nights I stand over Aiden's crib for hours then fall asleep on the floor. If I am not there then I have fallen asleep in Christopher's bed upstairs. I know Ben loves me and them too. And I know it is hard for him right now, it is hard for both of us, this is not a good way to start a marriage. But I am not sure what I can do to help, to make things better. I am not sure what he wants from me. I know my family misses them, but they will never know what it is like to be the mother. NO ONE DOES! I had to listen to my mother, who never had to go through this, she got my brother and I and well there was no threat that John would leave with Sean, ever. And my Aunt WHO HAS NO FUCKING CHILDREN, SHE GOT PREGNANT ONCE AND KILLED IT, SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO, EVER, WHEN IT COMES TO KIDS!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am seriously considering getting a few old crappy cars, some beer, good friends and some baseball bats. I think most of you can figure out the rest.