Abandoned fiction 2: Coupling: The One With The Man-Penis-Friend
Another abandoned ficlet!
Warnings: None ( see policy)
"I have a boyfriend," said Jeff, wild-eyed and sweating heavily. "A boyfriend. Who is a boy. Man. Friend. Manfriend. I have a manfriend. With a penis."
Steve gave Jeff a wary pat on the shoulder. "That's okay?" he tried. "We'll work something out." And then, because he just couldn't resist, "And we'll support you, of course."
Jeff took a deep breath. "Thank you, man." He was swaying slightly, keeping his eyes fixed on Steve's.
Resisting the urge to blink, Steve pushed on. "How did you get this man-penis-friend?"
Jeff flailed his hands in the air, like he was trying to ride a steamship powered by cheese.
"It's a book?" Steve suggested. "A film? Two words?"
With a sigh, Jeff tried to speak. "C- C-" His hands waved out in front of him, as if they could push the words forward.
"Gone With The Wind!"
It wasn't.
"I asked him!" Jeff said, as if he couldn't quite believe he'd done it.
Steve couldn't quite believe he'd done it, either. "This bold new life-style choice," he said, trying not to laugh in Jeff's face just yet, "really suits you." There'd be time for laughing once Jeff's man-penis-friend had been disabused of his man-penis-notions. "We'll work something out," he said again.
===
"I could never be gay," Patrick remarked. "Envy is such a mood killer."
"Oh, Patrick," said Steve, "you've got nothing to be je--."
"I know."
===
"Have you ever considered the fact he might actually like men?" asked Susan, her lips twitching in Expression 31: Steve May Get Laid This Evening.
"Jeff?" Steve laughed. "Jeff, I like breasts, they jiggle when I touch them, Jeff?"
"Jeff," Susan confirmed, Expression 31 still in place. "Jeff, I have a boyfriend, Jeff."
"But he's..." Steve tailed off. "He's Jeff."
Expression 24: Steve May Get Very Laid This Evening Because I'm Feeling Sorry For Him For Reasons That Will Become Clear Later, Ruining The Afterglow, peeked out from round the corner. "He is," Susan said, fondly.
===
Jeff's man-penis-friend was called George. He was like Jeff, only taller.
"Breasts," said Jeff, nodding happily to himself.
"Breasts," George agreed.
"Lacy underwear," said Jeff. "Like the fiddly posh wrapping on really expensive chocolates."
"Nipples," said George.
"Nipples," Jeff agreed.
Watching on in horror, Steve turned to Patrick. "He's cloned himself. That's not a boyfriend, that's a mirror."
Patrick nodded. "Clever."
Steve just blinked.
"Not for him, obviously. But for me."
"Right." Sometimes it was simpler not to argue.
Warnings: None ( see policy)
"I have a boyfriend," said Jeff, wild-eyed and sweating heavily. "A boyfriend. Who is a boy. Man. Friend. Manfriend. I have a manfriend. With a penis."
Steve gave Jeff a wary pat on the shoulder. "That's okay?" he tried. "We'll work something out." And then, because he just couldn't resist, "And we'll support you, of course."
Jeff took a deep breath. "Thank you, man." He was swaying slightly, keeping his eyes fixed on Steve's.
Resisting the urge to blink, Steve pushed on. "How did you get this man-penis-friend?"
Jeff flailed his hands in the air, like he was trying to ride a steamship powered by cheese.
"It's a book?" Steve suggested. "A film? Two words?"
With a sigh, Jeff tried to speak. "C- C-" His hands waved out in front of him, as if they could push the words forward.
"Gone With The Wind!"
It wasn't.
"I asked him!" Jeff said, as if he couldn't quite believe he'd done it.
Steve couldn't quite believe he'd done it, either. "This bold new life-style choice," he said, trying not to laugh in Jeff's face just yet, "really suits you." There'd be time for laughing once Jeff's man-penis-friend had been disabused of his man-penis-notions. "We'll work something out," he said again.
===
"I could never be gay," Patrick remarked. "Envy is such a mood killer."
"Oh, Patrick," said Steve, "you've got nothing to be je--."
"I know."
===
"Have you ever considered the fact he might actually like men?" asked Susan, her lips twitching in Expression 31: Steve May Get Laid This Evening.
"Jeff?" Steve laughed. "Jeff, I like breasts, they jiggle when I touch them, Jeff?"
"Jeff," Susan confirmed, Expression 31 still in place. "Jeff, I have a boyfriend, Jeff."
"But he's..." Steve tailed off. "He's Jeff."
Expression 24: Steve May Get Very Laid This Evening Because I'm Feeling Sorry For Him For Reasons That Will Become Clear Later, Ruining The Afterglow, peeked out from round the corner. "He is," Susan said, fondly.
===
Jeff's man-penis-friend was called George. He was like Jeff, only taller.
"Breasts," said Jeff, nodding happily to himself.
"Breasts," George agreed.
"Lacy underwear," said Jeff. "Like the fiddly posh wrapping on really expensive chocolates."
"Nipples," said George.
"Nipples," Jeff agreed.
Watching on in horror, Steve turned to Patrick. "He's cloned himself. That's not a boyfriend, that's a mirror."
Patrick nodded. "Clever."
Steve just blinked.
"Not for him, obviously. But for me."
"Right." Sometimes it was simpler not to argue.