Five Things Responses: Hitchhiker's Guide, Good Omens, Due South
I'm still taking requests here, though they may take a while to answer.
Warnings: None ( see policy)
Hitchhiker's Guide (Second and third set in the Aliens Make Ford and Arthur Have Sex universe.)
For emjay: Five Reasons Zaphod Doesn't Need to Remember Visiting One Planet on the Five He Can't Remember List
1) Despite Zaphod's attempts to bribe, steal, seduce and threaten it away from them, the Galactic Intelligence Agency has the whole thing on holovid. So do the Galactic Counter-, Counter-Counter-, Counter-Counter-Counter- and Anti-Intelligence agencies. It's a favourite for office parties and Bar Mitzvahs.
2) Ford won't stop laughing about it.
3) After Ford explained the meaning of the word "Zippph" and drew him four explanatory diagrams, Arthur wouldn't stop laughing about it, either. The illustrative hand gesture isn't nearly as dirty with only two hands, but sometimes he and Ford get really drunk and use all four of their hands together. (This is part of Ford's cunning plan to seduce Arthur. Step one: Get him used to casual touching. Step two: Sex. It's about twice as cunning as most of Ford's plans.)
4) The warrant out for his arrest has all the details on it, anyway.
5) So does the paternity suit.
For bravecows: Five Fun Family Field Trips Ford and Arthur Have Had With the Babbies
1) The nice thing about Vogon poetry, Ford had told Arthur, was that afterwards, the rest of the galaxy could only be an improvement. Ford, Arthur reflected as they entered the neo-natal clinic on Chiron Alpha 7, was a lying bastard.
2) Ford counted the space-suits again, frowning gently to himself. The three-legged stick insects of Nodus II could be very persuasive when they saw an accounting loophole. "Arthur," he said into his radio. "The question occurs -- and I ask only, you understand, for information -- is it possible that you might have cloned the children for tax purposes?"
3) "And you said, 'Don't be so pedantic, Arthur. According to the Guide, the Goolashi are herbivores; he must mean he wants to cook for the children." And then, if you'll recall, I said--"
4) In Marvin's pantheon of hate, many things got less attention than cleaning up after Ford and Arthur's progeny. Taking the children to the barbers was not one of them.
5) Ford grinned happily. "Come on, Arthur," he said cheerfully. "Zoos are a vital cultural experience! Fun for all the family." He brought out the big guns. "It says so on the leaflet."
"It's just..." Arthur tailed off, lost in an unhappy memory of the last time he'd gone along with Ford's grin. He was still picking Things out of his hair. "What with the fur and the teeth and the extra eyes, isn't there a chance the zoo might try to keep them?" He paused to look at Ford's brats, who were engaging in their time-honoured pursuit of running through the corridors with Arthur's underwear on their heads.
"On second thoughts," Arthur said. "Never mind."
For tiniago: Five Romantic Moments Arthur and Ford Have Had
1) "Daddy," said Toyota. "When you and Ford fell in love, which one of you was the fairy princess?"
"Hmm?" said Arthur, ruffling her hair in a show of fatherly absentmindedness that failed to mask his squawk of fear. "Oh, Ford. Definitely Ford."
2) Ford smiled to himself, glad he'd won the argument over where to go next. The seventeen moons of Iffin were famed throughout the Western Spiral Arm for their hypnotic motion, designed by a team of highly qualified Magratheans on the very best in bad acid. As he watched Arthur watch the moons whirl above, he found himself overwhelmed with helpless, giddy joy at how easy it would be to dupe the Earthman into signing over all his property rights.
3) "Tea?" offered Ford, holding out a mug.
4) "Vodka?" offered Arthur, holding out a triple-reinforced bottle.
5) Ford slumped down against the wall next to Arthur. "It's okay," he said, daring reality to disagree with him.
Arthur put his head in his hands and groaned. It was reasonable enough, Ford thought, and at least as useful as anything else they could do. Patting Arthur's hand gently, Ford tilted his head to rest it against Arthur's shoulder. "No, trust me. It's okay."
There was a choked laugh. "That's the problem," Arthur said into his hands. "I do."
Ford turned his head and smiled against Arthur's neck.
Good Omens
For villainny: Five things Aziraphale most certainly didn't buy Crowley to celebrate... what, nine hundred years of Arrangement?
1) Crowley owns a DVD player for much the same reason as he gets a new computer every six months. If Aziraphale just happened to get a copy of The Wicker Man free in The Daily Telegraph then it would be a shame to waste the chance to admire the cinematography of such a famous film, wouldn't it? Crowley laughs so hard it's a good thing he doesn't have to breathe.
2) He didn't buy him the copy of The Director's Cut Bible (in which the Song of Solomon has an extra verse). He was given it, many years ago, by someone who surely wouldn't begrudge Crowley the amusement of working out if that's even anatomically possible.
3) Similarly, he hasn't paid for a drink since-- He hasn't paid for a drink. But he transfigures Crowley's cheap white wine into something rather decent.
4) The pat on the arm and the admonition to keep his chin up (no, he doesn't know quite what it means, either. But Crowley could at least pretend to be cheered by it, there's a good chap) when facing infernal paperwork are absolutely free.
5) He couldn't buy Crowley forgiveness.
For interlock: Five things Crowley would like to pretend he doesn't think
1) He'd like to get that blasted jingle from the limescale cleaner ad out of his head. The tune has been irritating him for days, and it's not as if limescale would dare appear in his flat anyway.
2) He'd dearly love not to know what Hastur and Ligur get up to when they take some time off from their busy lurking schedule. Indeed, he'd pay good money not to know. (Not that Crowley pays money for things. But if it would wipe that thought from his mind, he'd start.)
3) "Nine letters, third letter W," said Aziraphale, tapping his pen against his mouth absentmindedly. "A type of long-billed bird."
"Dowitcher," Crowley snapped in spite of himself. He'd wasted an entire bloody week on that ornithologist, and she hadn't wrathed once. Scowling at his coffee, he pointedly ignored the angel's laughter.
4) Demons' minds are no twistier than their angelic counterparts'. However, Crowley would need a colour-coded flow chart, four litres of coffee and a slide rule to keep track of what he's not thinking about not thinking about when it comes to Aziraphale. He'd like to pretend he doesn't know this.
5) The Wicker Man is a bloody good film.
For cmshaw: Five toasts Crowley and Aziraphale meant to drink to but were too drunk to actually remember
1) Dolphins. Or was it whales? Or the tiny creatures with all those teeth that David Attenborough got so excited about? Aziraphale could never quite remember, but he knew they were important.
2) On his seventh glass of wine, Crowley without fail began to think it would be funny to propose a toast to the Ineffable Plan. To the great relief all concerned, he tended to forget about this again before pouring his eighth glass.
3) Crowley didn't drink alone, preferring to blow off steam in the more traditional demonic pursuits of temptation, mayhem and prank-calling one's celestial counterpart. Once, however, he sat down in his pristine flat with ten bottles of wine from the cellar of a certain Oxford college and the intention to drink a toast to every soul he'd ever helped on its way to damnation. He ran out of wine.
4) Aziraphale once knocked himself out while sitting on a hill top gesturing wildly with a bottle of port. To this day, he couldn't remember why. Crowley refused to tell him, instead making pointed remarks to the effect that if certain beings couldn't even walk an wounded friend back to his car (injuries sustained while rolling down a hill helpless with laughter) then certain beings didn't deserve to know what they'd been saying about Richard E. Grant.
5) They drank the toast to Adam Young the next day, sober.
Due South
For ruthi: Five things that Diefenbaker can tell Ray, but can't tell Fraser
1) The damn wolf keeps whining at Ray with his head cocked to the angle Ray now recognises as "I ate the last donut. Don't tell the Mountie."
2) Ray counts on his fingers. Make that "I ate three donuts. Please don't tell the Mountie."
3) And now, if the miserable hunch is anything to go by, Dief's got a stomach ache. "You never learn," Ray mutters, reaching down to pat the furry belly presented for sympathy. "Don't sweat it. I won't tell Fraser."
4) Which is buddies -- Ray's pretty sure Dief hasn't mentioned to Fraser how he, Ray, looks at him, Fraser, sometimes.
5) But Ray can never work out what the crazy animal means when he tilts his head to the other side and looks pointedly from him to the Mountie. Probably something about pie.
Warnings: None ( see policy)
Hitchhiker's Guide (Second and third set in the Aliens Make Ford and Arthur Have Sex universe.)
For emjay: Five Reasons Zaphod Doesn't Need to Remember Visiting One Planet on the Five He Can't Remember List
1) Despite Zaphod's attempts to bribe, steal, seduce and threaten it away from them, the Galactic Intelligence Agency has the whole thing on holovid. So do the Galactic Counter-, Counter-Counter-, Counter-Counter-Counter- and Anti-Intelligence agencies. It's a favourite for office parties and Bar Mitzvahs.
2) Ford won't stop laughing about it.
3) After Ford explained the meaning of the word "Zippph" and drew him four explanatory diagrams, Arthur wouldn't stop laughing about it, either. The illustrative hand gesture isn't nearly as dirty with only two hands, but sometimes he and Ford get really drunk and use all four of their hands together. (This is part of Ford's cunning plan to seduce Arthur. Step one: Get him used to casual touching. Step two: Sex. It's about twice as cunning as most of Ford's plans.)
4) The warrant out for his arrest has all the details on it, anyway.
5) So does the paternity suit.
For bravecows: Five Fun Family Field Trips Ford and Arthur Have Had With the Babbies
1) The nice thing about Vogon poetry, Ford had told Arthur, was that afterwards, the rest of the galaxy could only be an improvement. Ford, Arthur reflected as they entered the neo-natal clinic on Chiron Alpha 7, was a lying bastard.
2) Ford counted the space-suits again, frowning gently to himself. The three-legged stick insects of Nodus II could be very persuasive when they saw an accounting loophole. "Arthur," he said into his radio. "The question occurs -- and I ask only, you understand, for information -- is it possible that you might have cloned the children for tax purposes?"
3) "And you said, 'Don't be so pedantic, Arthur. According to the Guide, the Goolashi are herbivores; he must mean he wants to cook for the children." And then, if you'll recall, I said--"
4) In Marvin's pantheon of hate, many things got less attention than cleaning up after Ford and Arthur's progeny. Taking the children to the barbers was not one of them.
5) Ford grinned happily. "Come on, Arthur," he said cheerfully. "Zoos are a vital cultural experience! Fun for all the family." He brought out the big guns. "It says so on the leaflet."
"It's just..." Arthur tailed off, lost in an unhappy memory of the last time he'd gone along with Ford's grin. He was still picking Things out of his hair. "What with the fur and the teeth and the extra eyes, isn't there a chance the zoo might try to keep them?" He paused to look at Ford's brats, who were engaging in their time-honoured pursuit of running through the corridors with Arthur's underwear on their heads.
"On second thoughts," Arthur said. "Never mind."
For tiniago: Five Romantic Moments Arthur and Ford Have Had
1) "Daddy," said Toyota. "When you and Ford fell in love, which one of you was the fairy princess?"
"Hmm?" said Arthur, ruffling her hair in a show of fatherly absentmindedness that failed to mask his squawk of fear. "Oh, Ford. Definitely Ford."
2) Ford smiled to himself, glad he'd won the argument over where to go next. The seventeen moons of Iffin were famed throughout the Western Spiral Arm for their hypnotic motion, designed by a team of highly qualified Magratheans on the very best in bad acid. As he watched Arthur watch the moons whirl above, he found himself overwhelmed with helpless, giddy joy at how easy it would be to dupe the Earthman into signing over all his property rights.
3) "Tea?" offered Ford, holding out a mug.
4) "Vodka?" offered Arthur, holding out a triple-reinforced bottle.
5) Ford slumped down against the wall next to Arthur. "It's okay," he said, daring reality to disagree with him.
Arthur put his head in his hands and groaned. It was reasonable enough, Ford thought, and at least as useful as anything else they could do. Patting Arthur's hand gently, Ford tilted his head to rest it against Arthur's shoulder. "No, trust me. It's okay."
There was a choked laugh. "That's the problem," Arthur said into his hands. "I do."
Ford turned his head and smiled against Arthur's neck.
Good Omens
For villainny: Five things Aziraphale most certainly didn't buy Crowley to celebrate... what, nine hundred years of Arrangement?
1) Crowley owns a DVD player for much the same reason as he gets a new computer every six months. If Aziraphale just happened to get a copy of The Wicker Man free in The Daily Telegraph then it would be a shame to waste the chance to admire the cinematography of such a famous film, wouldn't it? Crowley laughs so hard it's a good thing he doesn't have to breathe.
2) He didn't buy him the copy of The Director's Cut Bible (in which the Song of Solomon has an extra verse). He was given it, many years ago, by someone who surely wouldn't begrudge Crowley the amusement of working out if that's even anatomically possible.
3) Similarly, he hasn't paid for a drink since-- He hasn't paid for a drink. But he transfigures Crowley's cheap white wine into something rather decent.
4) The pat on the arm and the admonition to keep his chin up (no, he doesn't know quite what it means, either. But Crowley could at least pretend to be cheered by it, there's a good chap) when facing infernal paperwork are absolutely free.
5) He couldn't buy Crowley forgiveness.
For interlock: Five things Crowley would like to pretend he doesn't think
1) He'd like to get that blasted jingle from the limescale cleaner ad out of his head. The tune has been irritating him for days, and it's not as if limescale would dare appear in his flat anyway.
2) He'd dearly love not to know what Hastur and Ligur get up to when they take some time off from their busy lurking schedule. Indeed, he'd pay good money not to know. (Not that Crowley pays money for things. But if it would wipe that thought from his mind, he'd start.)
3) "Nine letters, third letter W," said Aziraphale, tapping his pen against his mouth absentmindedly. "A type of long-billed bird."
"Dowitcher," Crowley snapped in spite of himself. He'd wasted an entire bloody week on that ornithologist, and she hadn't wrathed once. Scowling at his coffee, he pointedly ignored the angel's laughter.
4) Demons' minds are no twistier than their angelic counterparts'. However, Crowley would need a colour-coded flow chart, four litres of coffee and a slide rule to keep track of what he's not thinking about not thinking about when it comes to Aziraphale. He'd like to pretend he doesn't know this.
5) The Wicker Man is a bloody good film.
For cmshaw: Five toasts Crowley and Aziraphale meant to drink to but were too drunk to actually remember
1) Dolphins. Or was it whales? Or the tiny creatures with all those teeth that David Attenborough got so excited about? Aziraphale could never quite remember, but he knew they were important.
2) On his seventh glass of wine, Crowley without fail began to think it would be funny to propose a toast to the Ineffable Plan. To the great relief all concerned, he tended to forget about this again before pouring his eighth glass.
3) Crowley didn't drink alone, preferring to blow off steam in the more traditional demonic pursuits of temptation, mayhem and prank-calling one's celestial counterpart. Once, however, he sat down in his pristine flat with ten bottles of wine from the cellar of a certain Oxford college and the intention to drink a toast to every soul he'd ever helped on its way to damnation. He ran out of wine.
4) Aziraphale once knocked himself out while sitting on a hill top gesturing wildly with a bottle of port. To this day, he couldn't remember why. Crowley refused to tell him, instead making pointed remarks to the effect that if certain beings couldn't even walk an wounded friend back to his car (injuries sustained while rolling down a hill helpless with laughter) then certain beings didn't deserve to know what they'd been saying about Richard E. Grant.
5) They drank the toast to Adam Young the next day, sober.
Due South
For ruthi: Five things that Diefenbaker can tell Ray, but can't tell Fraser
1) The damn wolf keeps whining at Ray with his head cocked to the angle Ray now recognises as "I ate the last donut. Don't tell the Mountie."
2) Ray counts on his fingers. Make that "I ate three donuts. Please don't tell the Mountie."
3) And now, if the miserable hunch is anything to go by, Dief's got a stomach ache. "You never learn," Ray mutters, reaching down to pat the furry belly presented for sympathy. "Don't sweat it. I won't tell Fraser."
4) Which is buddies -- Ray's pretty sure Dief hasn't mentioned to Fraser how he, Ray, looks at him, Fraser, sometimes.
5) But Ray can never work out what the crazy animal means when he tilts his head to the other side and looks pointedly from him to the Mountie. Probably something about pie.