Commentary: Five Things That Never Happened To Aziraphale
These things are addictive!
afrai suggested I do a commentary for Five Things That Never Happened To Aziraphale, a collection of drabbles written for carmarthen. Now, as far as I'm concerned, this piece did exactly what I wanted it to do - made Mel smile. On the other hand, I'm beginning to think my drabbles are much like von Bismark's laws and sausages: it's better not to see them being made.
Still. The author is dead. Language is flawed. There is no one correct interpretation.
===
Five Things That Never Happened To Aziraphale: The commentary
[carmarthen bought me some paid time. More crucially, she forgot to make it anonymous. This could be considered her comeuppance.]
"But," the angel continued, with the air of one more interested in convincing himself than in his audience's response, "He is Good, so everything He creates must be Good." He paused, waving one hand about in a vague gesture. It might have communicated his uncertainty better had he not used the hand holding a flaming sword. "By definition, one might say. Yes. So if everything He creates is Good, then is it really possible for you, as His creation, not to do Good?"
He nodded firmly, obviously satisfied with his line of thought.
Eve thought it sounded eminently reasonable.
[Um. This is actually the obligatory What If Aziraphale Had Been The One To Fall? section. Here, he's already fallen, and is tempting Eve. I don't think anyone got that. In many ways, I think I prefer my version to the Poor Incompetent Englishman interpretation because Aziraphale is smart and he is capable of manipulating people, and even in Eden, when Crawly's treated to his worried grin after he's given his flaming sword away, well... He's good. He's naive. He's not stupid. On the other hand, I'm very pleased that so many people were caught out thinking he was talking to Crowley about ineffability here, which was the main trick I was going for.]
===
He refused to speak to Crowley for years afterwards. In 1938, six months into his silence, the demon - who'd been protesting his innocence every chance he got - actually had the gall to apologise.
"Lying snake," he'd spat back. "You won't even admit this is your doing."
"It issn't," Crowley had said without a trace of mockery, "but I'm still sorry."
Aziraphale had stormed off in a blaze of righteousness. Eventually, Crowley stopped trying to contact him.
Even now he's accepted that Crowley wasn't anywhere near Germany for the worst of it, he still hasn't forgiven him for the book burnings.
[Obviously I worried about this one being tasteless. Or, rather, I worried about this one appearing tasteless. I wouldn't have written it if I didn't think it was okay to do so. Crowley's telling the truth - none of it is his work, not even the book burnings. I think the darkest thing about this is that Aziraphale focuses on the books, something I've occasionally been guilty of doing, too. I like to think it's just because he believes Crowley about everything else, but I know it's not. Crowley's tendency to hiss whenever he forgets himself, by the way, is something that never really struck me in canon and so seems a little off when I read it in fanfic. Still, canon is canon is canon sez the Hastur/Ligur 'shipper]
===
"You see a wile, you thwart. Am I right?"
"Broadly, broadly. Actually I encourage humans to do the actual thwarting. Because of ineffability, you understand."
"Right. Right. So all you've got to do is thwart. Because if I know anything," said Crowley urgently, "it's that the birth is just the start. It's the upbringing that's important. It's the Influences. Otherwise the child will never learn to use its powers." He hesitated. "At least, not necessarily as intended."
"I don't know," said Aziraphale, his mind already made up. "I think even so, my side would frown upon that sort of thing."
[The only reason I was worried about copying from the book here was that I thought it would show up the rest of this piece like the cheap hackery it is. I think I spent more time on the last line of this section than I did on any other section here. I wanted Aziraphale to give a definite no here, but that would have jarred a little too much. Hey, perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps the thing that never happened was that after this conversation Crowley had to use an entirely different set of wiles to convince him to thwart merrily away. Yes. I like that version.]
===
If he'd had any warning, he might have closed his eyes.
He might have savoured the moment. He might have returned the kiss, tangling his hands in Crowley's hair and his tongue in Crowley's mouth.
He might have pulled his- his friend closer, pressing their bodies together as he delighted in the warmth between them: a second of shared humanity.
He might not just have stood there, a startled expression on his face, unable to do anything as Crowley hissed in disappointment and - to be perfectly frank - ran away like a scared little girl.
He might have made the effort.
[Mel didn't want to be squicked, otherwise this would have been Ligur/Aziraphale. I mean, it wouldn't have gone like this. Aziraphale would have been slammed up against a wall and kissed by a mouth tasting of sulphur and rust. Then Ligur would have run away and Aziraphale would have gone to find Crowley to get v'ry, v'ry drunk, less to wipe the memory and more to wipe the wish that it had been *that* demon pressed up against him, their teeth clicking together as Crowley's hands scrabbled for purchase against the angel's tweed. Unsurprisingly, this was the section I found easiest to write. The hesitation over "his- his friend" is my pet kink for Aziraphale and Crowley. Just admitting that they're friends (rather than just beings who spend free time together, encourage each other to do the right thing and be true to themselves, not to their ideas of who they *should* be, do all this knowing it can be used against them by their bosses...) is, to my mind, a big thing for both of them, not just Crowley. I like, also, that the kiss doesn't stop him thinking of Crowley as his friend. "Making the effort" is now a little cliché in GO slash - let's all take a break to give thanks for the fact that we have enough fic to have our very own clichés - but I think it fits.]
===
"I knew a lad like you once," slurred the pirate, exhibiting surprisingly many vital signs for someone on his fourth Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.
"Oh?" Arthur said, bringing his total contribution to their conversation up to twenty "oh"s, thirty-six "er"s and one "erk".
"Just like you," the pirate nodded for emphasis, the collection of ship's circuitry now in his hair jingling merrily. "Prettier, though."
As Arthur took another step back, one fly on the wall remarked to the other, "You know, I didn't think your lot approved of sodomy."
"My dear boy, how could anyone possibly be against young love?"
[Yes, didn't you know that it's tradition for the fifth thing to be Completely Fucking Insane? Mel likes Arthur. Mel likes Captain Jack Swallow Sparrow. Mel likes slash. The end. It should be clear from the final exchange that Aziraphale engineered this, although I like to think he just gave the improbability drive a little nudge. graycastle metafic'd this, which I think is the coolest thing ever, adding the final line
"Well, that's a lot of time wasted, then," the demon grumbled.
I think Jack was amused the first dozen times the doors were polite at him, but then got pissy and attacked them. The circuitry in his hair was his spoils.]
afrai suggested I do a commentary for Five Things That Never Happened To Aziraphale, a collection of drabbles written for carmarthen. Now, as far as I'm concerned, this piece did exactly what I wanted it to do - made Mel smile. On the other hand, I'm beginning to think my drabbles are much like von Bismark's laws and sausages: it's better not to see them being made.
Still. The author is dead. Language is flawed. There is no one correct interpretation.
===
Five Things That Never Happened To Aziraphale: The commentary
[carmarthen bought me some paid time. More crucially, she forgot to make it anonymous. This could be considered her comeuppance.]
"But," the angel continued, with the air of one more interested in convincing himself than in his audience's response, "He is Good, so everything He creates must be Good." He paused, waving one hand about in a vague gesture. It might have communicated his uncertainty better had he not used the hand holding a flaming sword. "By definition, one might say. Yes. So if everything He creates is Good, then is it really possible for you, as His creation, not to do Good?"
He nodded firmly, obviously satisfied with his line of thought.
Eve thought it sounded eminently reasonable.
[Um. This is actually the obligatory What If Aziraphale Had Been The One To Fall? section. Here, he's already fallen, and is tempting Eve. I don't think anyone got that. In many ways, I think I prefer my version to the Poor Incompetent Englishman interpretation because Aziraphale is smart and he is capable of manipulating people, and even in Eden, when Crawly's treated to his worried grin after he's given his flaming sword away, well... He's good. He's naive. He's not stupid. On the other hand, I'm very pleased that so many people were caught out thinking he was talking to Crowley about ineffability here, which was the main trick I was going for.]
===
He refused to speak to Crowley for years afterwards. In 1938, six months into his silence, the demon - who'd been protesting his innocence every chance he got - actually had the gall to apologise.
"Lying snake," he'd spat back. "You won't even admit this is your doing."
"It issn't," Crowley had said without a trace of mockery, "but I'm still sorry."
Aziraphale had stormed off in a blaze of righteousness. Eventually, Crowley stopped trying to contact him.
Even now he's accepted that Crowley wasn't anywhere near Germany for the worst of it, he still hasn't forgiven him for the book burnings.
[Obviously I worried about this one being tasteless. Or, rather, I worried about this one appearing tasteless. I wouldn't have written it if I didn't think it was okay to do so. Crowley's telling the truth - none of it is his work, not even the book burnings. I think the darkest thing about this is that Aziraphale focuses on the books, something I've occasionally been guilty of doing, too. I like to think it's just because he believes Crowley about everything else, but I know it's not. Crowley's tendency to hiss whenever he forgets himself, by the way, is something that never really struck me in canon and so seems a little off when I read it in fanfic. Still, canon is canon is canon sez the Hastur/Ligur 'shipper]
===
"You see a wile, you thwart. Am I right?"
"Broadly, broadly. Actually I encourage humans to do the actual thwarting. Because of ineffability, you understand."
"Right. Right. So all you've got to do is thwart. Because if I know anything," said Crowley urgently, "it's that the birth is just the start. It's the upbringing that's important. It's the Influences. Otherwise the child will never learn to use its powers." He hesitated. "At least, not necessarily as intended."
"I don't know," said Aziraphale, his mind already made up. "I think even so, my side would frown upon that sort of thing."
[The only reason I was worried about copying from the book here was that I thought it would show up the rest of this piece like the cheap hackery it is. I think I spent more time on the last line of this section than I did on any other section here. I wanted Aziraphale to give a definite no here, but that would have jarred a little too much. Hey, perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps the thing that never happened was that after this conversation Crowley had to use an entirely different set of wiles to convince him to thwart merrily away. Yes. I like that version.]
===
If he'd had any warning, he might have closed his eyes.
He might have savoured the moment. He might have returned the kiss, tangling his hands in Crowley's hair and his tongue in Crowley's mouth.
He might have pulled his- his friend closer, pressing their bodies together as he delighted in the warmth between them: a second of shared humanity.
He might not just have stood there, a startled expression on his face, unable to do anything as Crowley hissed in disappointment and - to be perfectly frank - ran away like a scared little girl.
He might have made the effort.
[Mel didn't want to be squicked, otherwise this would have been Ligur/Aziraphale. I mean, it wouldn't have gone like this. Aziraphale would have been slammed up against a wall and kissed by a mouth tasting of sulphur and rust. Then Ligur would have run away and Aziraphale would have gone to find Crowley to get v'ry, v'ry drunk, less to wipe the memory and more to wipe the wish that it had been *that* demon pressed up against him, their teeth clicking together as Crowley's hands scrabbled for purchase against the angel's tweed. Unsurprisingly, this was the section I found easiest to write. The hesitation over "his- his friend" is my pet kink for Aziraphale and Crowley. Just admitting that they're friends (rather than just beings who spend free time together, encourage each other to do the right thing and be true to themselves, not to their ideas of who they *should* be, do all this knowing it can be used against them by their bosses...) is, to my mind, a big thing for both of them, not just Crowley. I like, also, that the kiss doesn't stop him thinking of Crowley as his friend. "Making the effort" is now a little cliché in GO slash - let's all take a break to give thanks for the fact that we have enough fic to have our very own clichés - but I think it fits.]
===
"I knew a lad like you once," slurred the pirate, exhibiting surprisingly many vital signs for someone on his fourth Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.
"Oh?" Arthur said, bringing his total contribution to their conversation up to twenty "oh"s, thirty-six "er"s and one "erk".
"Just like you," the pirate nodded for emphasis, the collection of ship's circuitry now in his hair jingling merrily. "Prettier, though."
As Arthur took another step back, one fly on the wall remarked to the other, "You know, I didn't think your lot approved of sodomy."
"My dear boy, how could anyone possibly be against young love?"
[Yes, didn't you know that it's tradition for the fifth thing to be Completely Fucking Insane? Mel likes Arthur. Mel likes Captain Jack Swallow Sparrow. Mel likes slash. The end. It should be clear from the final exchange that Aziraphale engineered this, although I like to think he just gave the improbability drive a little nudge. graycastle metafic'd this, which I think is the coolest thing ever, adding the final line
"Well, that's a lot of time wasted, then," the demon grumbled.
I think Jack was amused the first dozen times the doors were polite at him, but then got pissy and attacked them. The circuitry in his hair was his spoils.]