What is this, Narnia?

[imperfect_sky]

So I just caught one of these in my room. This one, unlike the one that bit my mom, is pretty identifiable as a male wolf spider. For size reference, his leg span looks wider than a quarter.

I demand to know where the fuck the entrance to the alpine forest is in here, why the fuck wasn't I told about it, and why the fuck wasn't I invited?