Lost again, or is it I was never found?
Dear LJ,
I’ve been breaking down. I feel like everyday is a struggle to just keep my head above water.
My mom is in the hospital. I talk to her everyday and I have to keep up a light voice. Be encouraging, be strong. We don’t know what’s wrong with her. I’m scared every day. Here come the tears.
I can’t even fit in the energy to follow up with my dad. I need to see how his dementia tests went. It’s just more to pile on and at the end of the day I’ve only got so much bandwidth left to give.
I just wanted to go see the cherry blossoms. I just wanted an excuse to get away. What’s your response? You want to see a friend there too? Well isn’t that grand that our couple time together has to include your friends. What special time? When do I ever feel like things aren’t as platonic as fuck in this relationship. Well it looks like the rain will wash away the blossoms so maybe it’s already ruined anyways.
Work > friends > relationship? but that’s how it feels sometimes.
My self esteem is low. Nope I haven’t made progress on that in a year.
The pressure of getting up in the morning and doing this rat race is just too much. I have to go to the office twice a week now and I hate it. I hate it. I don’t want to drive. I don’t want to get up early. I don’t want to slave through coworker relationships. I don’t want to fake a smile. I dislike the other recruiter on my team. I hope she leaves. I like my job overall and am satisfied when I get that fill and my hiring manager adores me. The job is tiring as any though and I feel like I’ve been pouring in so much energy while my coworker skims by.
I see social media filled with laid off people. Sure it terrifies me. I could be next. I’ve been there before and this job market is the absolute worst. I’m about to close half of the jobs I have. What then? There’s ice beneath my feet. Will it crack? Anxiety. Worry. It’s all coming.
I want to run away. I want to lock myself inside a digital world of color and simple life. Life in the real world is just really hard to stand, every day.
~Death Comes Fast~