I miss my smile
Dear LJ,
This is one of those depressing, frustrating moments I need to vent. Whether I can get it all out of my head will be the challenge. But I need to be set free.
What’s wrong you say?
It’s hard to put it together but I’m sure we both will see near the end.
Let’s start with the good. What’s not wrong. My job. I’m loving it. I love my company and the people I work with. It was the best choice for me to go back to recruiting. Everyday I am appreciated and my manager compliments me. I’ve been doing well and working hard. I’ve made some good placements and am learning the ropes quickly. I don’t want to clock out sometimes, I willingly work more than 40 hours per week though I cant really, and when the weekend comes I get sad because my life loses meaning when I clock out.
That’s where the darkness lies.
Everything outside my job feels mundane and meaningless. Is this just the pandemic? Just a reminisce of the past two years generally locked up? I have days that I just can’t enjoy the sun. The cloud over my mood seems endless sometimes and laughs and happiness are fleeting.
So what could be bothering me?
This stupid fucking pandemic has wasted two of my most prized years! I was supposed to go to China. I was supposed to see dragons in the street, walk the Great Wall and watch pandas frolic. 2020 was the beginning of the best that life offers. It was supposed to be travel and fun, a solid steady job with good PTO. Here I am two years later and no travel due more due to fear and discomfort of being around a lot of people which is all and airport is. But I know since my 2021 trip home that airports are a mess. 8 hour layovers are no joke when your pilot leaves because he can’t work any more hours.
So what’s holding me back from traveling locally? Nothing really, maybe having no one to go with. I know I need to branch out, explore and come out of my shell. The world isn’t going to come to me I need to go out. Put the shoes on, grab the keys, put the gps on and go. Maybe that’s what I need, to establish some sort of goals for myself to work towards it. I went out on my own to a nature trail one day, I did feel some anxiety for being alone in the woods but I made it back.
I’m fighting to not turn down my music right now. I kept the door closed so I could blare it and not hear anything else, then he walks in and opens the door. No. I am not going to care. This is my space of solitude you opened the door to.
Last night he told me he loved me and gave me a hug before bed, then hops into a private chat with some healer he plays arch eagle with. My paranoia shoots through the roof. He’s gotta be friendly and get to know every fucking female there is. Where they live, name, relationship status, college like a fucking profile. I’m so sick of this shit. I told him to leave and go into a public channel, 1 hour later he finally does. No he’s done nothing wrong, except ignore his girl friends request. I can see his pattern, he takes to people like new shiny toys to discover what they are all about. Fuck off with this shit. Stop neglecting me for this obsessive behavior of getting to know people. Stop neglecting me. I don’t want to be lonely. I don’t want to eat alone. I don’t want to have no options to game together. He doesn’t try to understand me. He doesn’t try to play anything with me. When has he ever said all he wanted was to spend time with me. Sometimes I feel like a place holder. I’m aware of the self esteem issues I have lately that run deep but I don’t think he’s helping it. I find that the attention I want is not something he can comprehend because he doesn’t feel the same. Where do our hearts connect? He’s my black hole I keep falling into. Maybe that I’m pushing myself into. Am I making myself sad? Where’s the line between what I’m doing to myself and what he’s doing to me?
He sits all day at his computer surrounded by his many friends he doesn’t stop talking to. He doesn’t disconnect from them. But he disconnects from me. I don’t have but a handful of friends, tbh probably just 3. I know I rely on him too much for company but I don’t have that same network. It’s hard to not go to him when I need someone to talk to or for company, love, affection, praise (yeah lol rigghttt). When you put up with the negatives of living with someone can’t I be entitled to the good times? Relying on someone for happiness is stupid. I should knock it the fuck off. Maybe I need to start the day with “what would make me happy today that I can do myself?”. This therapy psychology is sounding pretty legit huh? What can we do when we expect too much from our partners? Or is it too much at all? Who decides this shit? I wish I knew. But if telling myself anything will break up these clouds then it’s a step in the right.
Hey, I can breathe a bit. Yes, let it go. Expectations. Needs. This song makes me think of Ray. How I miss him sometimes. Okay time to put that back in the box.
The new pokemon game is amazing btw, buy it.
Alright, good enough for tonight. Goodnight.
~Death Comes Fast~
This is one of those depressing, frustrating moments I need to vent. Whether I can get it all out of my head will be the challenge. But I need to be set free.
What’s wrong you say?
It’s hard to put it together but I’m sure we both will see near the end.
Let’s start with the good. What’s not wrong. My job. I’m loving it. I love my company and the people I work with. It was the best choice for me to go back to recruiting. Everyday I am appreciated and my manager compliments me. I’ve been doing well and working hard. I’ve made some good placements and am learning the ropes quickly. I don’t want to clock out sometimes, I willingly work more than 40 hours per week though I cant really, and when the weekend comes I get sad because my life loses meaning when I clock out.
That’s where the darkness lies.
Everything outside my job feels mundane and meaningless. Is this just the pandemic? Just a reminisce of the past two years generally locked up? I have days that I just can’t enjoy the sun. The cloud over my mood seems endless sometimes and laughs and happiness are fleeting.
So what could be bothering me?
This stupid fucking pandemic has wasted two of my most prized years! I was supposed to go to China. I was supposed to see dragons in the street, walk the Great Wall and watch pandas frolic. 2020 was the beginning of the best that life offers. It was supposed to be travel and fun, a solid steady job with good PTO. Here I am two years later and no travel due more due to fear and discomfort of being around a lot of people which is all and airport is. But I know since my 2021 trip home that airports are a mess. 8 hour layovers are no joke when your pilot leaves because he can’t work any more hours.
So what’s holding me back from traveling locally? Nothing really, maybe having no one to go with. I know I need to branch out, explore and come out of my shell. The world isn’t going to come to me I need to go out. Put the shoes on, grab the keys, put the gps on and go. Maybe that’s what I need, to establish some sort of goals for myself to work towards it. I went out on my own to a nature trail one day, I did feel some anxiety for being alone in the woods but I made it back.
I’m fighting to not turn down my music right now. I kept the door closed so I could blare it and not hear anything else, then he walks in and opens the door. No. I am not going to care. This is my space of solitude you opened the door to.
Last night he told me he loved me and gave me a hug before bed, then hops into a private chat with some healer he plays arch eagle with. My paranoia shoots through the roof. He’s gotta be friendly and get to know every fucking female there is. Where they live, name, relationship status, college like a fucking profile. I’m so sick of this shit. I told him to leave and go into a public channel, 1 hour later he finally does. No he’s done nothing wrong, except ignore his girl friends request. I can see his pattern, he takes to people like new shiny toys to discover what they are all about. Fuck off with this shit. Stop neglecting me for this obsessive behavior of getting to know people. Stop neglecting me. I don’t want to be lonely. I don’t want to eat alone. I don’t want to have no options to game together. He doesn’t try to understand me. He doesn’t try to play anything with me. When has he ever said all he wanted was to spend time with me. Sometimes I feel like a place holder. I’m aware of the self esteem issues I have lately that run deep but I don’t think he’s helping it. I find that the attention I want is not something he can comprehend because he doesn’t feel the same. Where do our hearts connect? He’s my black hole I keep falling into. Maybe that I’m pushing myself into. Am I making myself sad? Where’s the line between what I’m doing to myself and what he’s doing to me?
He sits all day at his computer surrounded by his many friends he doesn’t stop talking to. He doesn’t disconnect from them. But he disconnects from me. I don’t have but a handful of friends, tbh probably just 3. I know I rely on him too much for company but I don’t have that same network. It’s hard to not go to him when I need someone to talk to or for company, love, affection, praise (yeah lol rigghttt). When you put up with the negatives of living with someone can’t I be entitled to the good times? Relying on someone for happiness is stupid. I should knock it the fuck off. Maybe I need to start the day with “what would make me happy today that I can do myself?”. This therapy psychology is sounding pretty legit huh? What can we do when we expect too much from our partners? Or is it too much at all? Who decides this shit? I wish I knew. But if telling myself anything will break up these clouds then it’s a step in the right.
Hey, I can breathe a bit. Yes, let it go. Expectations. Needs. This song makes me think of Ray. How I miss him sometimes. Okay time to put that back in the box.
The new pokemon game is amazing btw, buy it.
Alright, good enough for tonight. Goodnight.
~Death Comes Fast~