the longest bitching entry youve ever read
i hate being compared to my friends. (good way to start my entry hey?) i hate when people make stupid ass small comments and i get offended so easily. i guess im really sensitive when it comes to certain topics, and i dont even realize it. my mom always compares me to jenny ALL the time. shes the PERFECT child. smart, well behaved, skinny, pretty. perfect. the child every fucking parent wants. including mine. my mom always says stuff like "that jenny is so skinny!" (like shes praising her) "i bet jenny doesn't talk to her mom that way!" and i'll take you back to grade two with the "i bet jenny cleans her room without being told!" jenny has never done a bad thing in her life. shes a little friggin goodygood and thats why i hate her sometimes (not saying there's anything WRONG with being a good kid). but by comparing me to jenny, my mom makes me seem like the worst kid any parent could ever imagine having. "ohh, you only got 79% in this class? thats a pretty shitty mark isnt it?" is a common phrase used by my mom when report cards come out. IM SORRY I CANT HAVE A FUCKING 97% AVERAGE MOM! im sorry im not the fucking perfect child you want me to be.
i had this binder in between the chair and the couch in the living room, and i needed to get something out of it today so i grabbed it and threw it in my car because me and my friends were going out for coffee. and i found a piece of paper in the binder that said what day my car had its oil change done on. and what the kilometerse were on my car that day. and then on the bottom corner of the paper was a whole bunch of math shit. which was my parents trying to figure out how many kilometers were put on the car since i bought it and how many miles that converts too and stupid shit like that. im fucking SICK of my parents being so overprotective of my car. and they WONDER why i spend 3 awake hours at home everyday. i hate being here. when im at home, i get bitched at about everything: "your not taking your car to the mall i hope?? you can fucking walk!" "didnt you just eat! why are you eating that!?" "your getting fat" "do those pants even fit you anymore?!!" "all you eat is starch!" "stop bitching to me about that!" "get off the computer already!" "ohh you got another virus? im not spending any of my fucking money to fix the computer this time!" "you look like shit!" "go put some makeup on" (which is usually followed by: "i just put makeup on, mom"). i seriously think they hate me. ive gone to work FOUR times crying because of the stupid guilt trips they put on me. the other day i went to wokr crying because just as i was about to get into my car my dad was like "oh, btw, your welcome for the oil change and wax job i did to your car. i paid for it all." like he was trying to make me feel guilty for not thanking him. BUT I NEVER FUCKING SEE HIM, even. even if i wanted to thank him, i see him like once a week. because he works at like 5am everyday and im at work when he gets home and when i get home from work hes already asleep. what kind of parent-child relationship is that? and anytime i talk to my mom she just tunes me out or tells me to hurry up and finish my story because she has no time. yeah, thanks for paying attention to me. i could go tell them im going to kill myself and they'd be like "what? what did you say?" "watching jeopardy. i cant listen to you." "as long as you don't take your car" and then i look at my friends' relationships with their parents. they are so close. they do "family things" and even if kenya bitches about how bitchy her mom is, i still always see them going for bike rides together. when was the last time i did ANYTHING bonding-ish with my parents? uhhh, my auntie's wedding and all they did was bitch at me and tune me out. when was the last time i was HAPPY when i was with my parents? when i was in grade two and i was probably too stupid & naive to realize that my parents weren't actually listening to me when i went on and on for 20 minutes about the boy i had a crush on. i knwo this isnt making any sense to you guys, but maybe if i go on and on about things only i'll understand, it'll make me feel better?
its not only the fact that they bitch at me all the time and dont listen to me, but its the times that my mom physically hurts me too. the time she punched me in the forehead was one of my favorite moments. or the time she told me something about my eating habits and then i told her i wont eat at all and stormed off to my room, slammed my door. and then she got angry and RAN down to my room and unlocked it with a pen and found me crying on my bed. that was one of my fave memories of all time. you'd think after finding your kid crying their eyes out, you'd be a little less harsh on them? fuck no. its gotten worse since then.
and even if i WANTED to talk to my parents about how shitty they make me feel, they wouldnt listen to me. they'd tune me out, as usual. or they'd be like "dont be stupid." when i told my mom i have trichotillomania (its a disease where you pull out your hair) she was like "dont be stupid. you can stop anytime you want too. just fucking stop pulling out your hair before you get bald" yeah, thanks for showing your concerned about me. ive had trich for nearly TWO YEARS now, and no signs of improvement because of their lack of concern.
maybe i wouldnt have such low self esteem about everything (my weight, my looks, my grades, etc..) if they would actually make me feel good about myself FOR ONCE. thats all i want, is for them to compliment me on something. when i was in like grade 5 and i wrote all these cheesy ass love poems, my mom made a big deal about how GOOD they were. she was in love with them and saved all of them and would show reletives when they came to visit. that made me feel good about myself. that gave me confidence. if someone (my parents, mainly) would give me confidence maybe i WOULD be a step closer to being like fucking jenny. the perfect daughter.
maybe if they knew how shitty i feel they'd treat me differently. but like i said a millino times, if i even try to explain ANY of my feelings to them they'd just dismiss it as me being "stupid". i dunno why im even bitching about all of this here. its not like ANYONE is going to understand what im talking about. you have to know my friends and my parents to know how shitty this is. i dunno, i wish i was stupid so i wouldnt think so much about this shit. i wish i didnt HAVE feelings so i wouldnt give so much thought into the things they bitch to me about. i wish i could just let everything they say just slip by me and not give a second thought to anything they say. a few years ago i used to be able to LAUGH when they were bitching at me. and now everytime they bitch at me, i feel the anger slowly building up inside me and then i storm downstairs to my room and cry. maybe if they KNEW the things ive done to myself because of them, they'd give a shit?
i dont really ever talk about this sort of stuff with my friends because, well, i know i'll burst out into a fit of tears. like i did the entire time i was writing that. i mean, sure, my friends know about all the stupid shit my parents bitch at me for, but they dont know really how badly it hurts. when im with my friends, i make fun of the things my parents have said to me. but when im at home by myself, i realize how badly every small comment really hurts. i wonder how fucked up im going to be as an adult, because of all this shit. fuck, if i EVER have kids, im going to be a NICE parent and NEVER cut down my kid because of what they are doing or what they ARENT doing or what their eating or NOT eating. because ive BEEN THERE and know how much it hurts to have your parents not care about you or what happens to you.
now, can i move onto the bitching about men? ive never really had a REAL boyfriend before. my first (and last) kiss was with a guy (from the internet) who didnt give a fuck about me, and only wanted to kiss me because of a stupid bet we made before we met. he was 20 and i was 14, at the time. i still think about him every now and then. its just SO MAGICAL (sarcasm) that im going to remember him for the rest of my life and he didnt know who i was a month after we met. its pathetic to think about but, you only get ONE first kiss...and its sad to think that i wasted MY first with a stupid piece of shit jack ass. (trust me, there's another WHOLE 6 paragrapsh about that guy but im not going to get into ANY of it). i cant see me every getting a real boyfriend because im fat, ugly, pathetic, stupid, and NO ONE wants to date anyone like that. next year (2005) i graduate and i want to have an escort for grad. its been my dream since like grade 3. you DREAM about graduation for tweleve years, you DREAM about having an escort, and im NOT going to have one. because any guys that i know will already be an escort to a PRETTY girl who they actually care about. its stupid to worry about, i know. and i KNOW none of my friends are planning on having escorts. but ive always wanted one. and now as the date draws closer to grad, the more i realize that im NOT going to have one.
my job is becoming more and more of a joke as the days go by. im SICK of being bossed around by fucking RETARDS who think they own the place. even though i HAVE been there fucking longer than them, they like to tell ME what to do. and because im a pushover, i listen to them. i need to fucking stand up for myself. oh but wait, anytime i stand up for myself i get yelled at and punched in the forehead. and we wonder why chantelle is such a passive person. and i dont want to loose my temper at work because when im angry i say things i dont mean to people i like. and if i DID lose my temper on stupid bitches, i would have to work with them the next day anyway so THAT would just make for an awkward workplace. and god knows that work is the only place i can get away from the nagging i go through at home. oh but wait, i still get nagged on at work by the stupid bitch who thinks she owns the place. fuck.
i am THROUGH with this shit.
i had this binder in between the chair and the couch in the living room, and i needed to get something out of it today so i grabbed it and threw it in my car because me and my friends were going out for coffee. and i found a piece of paper in the binder that said what day my car had its oil change done on. and what the kilometerse were on my car that day. and then on the bottom corner of the paper was a whole bunch of math shit. which was my parents trying to figure out how many kilometers were put on the car since i bought it and how many miles that converts too and stupid shit like that. im fucking SICK of my parents being so overprotective of my car. and they WONDER why i spend 3 awake hours at home everyday. i hate being here. when im at home, i get bitched at about everything: "your not taking your car to the mall i hope?? you can fucking walk!" "didnt you just eat! why are you eating that!?" "your getting fat" "do those pants even fit you anymore?!!" "all you eat is starch!" "stop bitching to me about that!" "get off the computer already!" "ohh you got another virus? im not spending any of my fucking money to fix the computer this time!" "you look like shit!" "go put some makeup on" (which is usually followed by: "i just put makeup on, mom"). i seriously think they hate me. ive gone to work FOUR times crying because of the stupid guilt trips they put on me. the other day i went to wokr crying because just as i was about to get into my car my dad was like "oh, btw, your welcome for the oil change and wax job i did to your car. i paid for it all." like he was trying to make me feel guilty for not thanking him. BUT I NEVER FUCKING SEE HIM, even. even if i wanted to thank him, i see him like once a week. because he works at like 5am everyday and im at work when he gets home and when i get home from work hes already asleep. what kind of parent-child relationship is that? and anytime i talk to my mom she just tunes me out or tells me to hurry up and finish my story because she has no time. yeah, thanks for paying attention to me. i could go tell them im going to kill myself and they'd be like "what? what did you say?" "watching jeopardy. i cant listen to you." "as long as you don't take your car" and then i look at my friends' relationships with their parents. they are so close. they do "family things" and even if kenya bitches about how bitchy her mom is, i still always see them going for bike rides together. when was the last time i did ANYTHING bonding-ish with my parents? uhhh, my auntie's wedding and all they did was bitch at me and tune me out. when was the last time i was HAPPY when i was with my parents? when i was in grade two and i was probably too stupid & naive to realize that my parents weren't actually listening to me when i went on and on for 20 minutes about the boy i had a crush on. i knwo this isnt making any sense to you guys, but maybe if i go on and on about things only i'll understand, it'll make me feel better?
its not only the fact that they bitch at me all the time and dont listen to me, but its the times that my mom physically hurts me too. the time she punched me in the forehead was one of my favorite moments. or the time she told me something about my eating habits and then i told her i wont eat at all and stormed off to my room, slammed my door. and then she got angry and RAN down to my room and unlocked it with a pen and found me crying on my bed. that was one of my fave memories of all time. you'd think after finding your kid crying their eyes out, you'd be a little less harsh on them? fuck no. its gotten worse since then.
and even if i WANTED to talk to my parents about how shitty they make me feel, they wouldnt listen to me. they'd tune me out, as usual. or they'd be like "dont be stupid." when i told my mom i have trichotillomania (its a disease where you pull out your hair) she was like "dont be stupid. you can stop anytime you want too. just fucking stop pulling out your hair before you get bald" yeah, thanks for showing your concerned about me. ive had trich for nearly TWO YEARS now, and no signs of improvement because of their lack of concern.
maybe i wouldnt have such low self esteem about everything (my weight, my looks, my grades, etc..) if they would actually make me feel good about myself FOR ONCE. thats all i want, is for them to compliment me on something. when i was in like grade 5 and i wrote all these cheesy ass love poems, my mom made a big deal about how GOOD they were. she was in love with them and saved all of them and would show reletives when they came to visit. that made me feel good about myself. that gave me confidence. if someone (my parents, mainly) would give me confidence maybe i WOULD be a step closer to being like fucking jenny. the perfect daughter.
maybe if they knew how shitty i feel they'd treat me differently. but like i said a millino times, if i even try to explain ANY of my feelings to them they'd just dismiss it as me being "stupid". i dunno why im even bitching about all of this here. its not like ANYONE is going to understand what im talking about. you have to know my friends and my parents to know how shitty this is. i dunno, i wish i was stupid so i wouldnt think so much about this shit. i wish i didnt HAVE feelings so i wouldnt give so much thought into the things they bitch to me about. i wish i could just let everything they say just slip by me and not give a second thought to anything they say. a few years ago i used to be able to LAUGH when they were bitching at me. and now everytime they bitch at me, i feel the anger slowly building up inside me and then i storm downstairs to my room and cry. maybe if they KNEW the things ive done to myself because of them, they'd give a shit?
i dont really ever talk about this sort of stuff with my friends because, well, i know i'll burst out into a fit of tears. like i did the entire time i was writing that. i mean, sure, my friends know about all the stupid shit my parents bitch at me for, but they dont know really how badly it hurts. when im with my friends, i make fun of the things my parents have said to me. but when im at home by myself, i realize how badly every small comment really hurts. i wonder how fucked up im going to be as an adult, because of all this shit. fuck, if i EVER have kids, im going to be a NICE parent and NEVER cut down my kid because of what they are doing or what they ARENT doing or what their eating or NOT eating. because ive BEEN THERE and know how much it hurts to have your parents not care about you or what happens to you.
now, can i move onto the bitching about men? ive never really had a REAL boyfriend before. my first (and last) kiss was with a guy (from the internet) who didnt give a fuck about me, and only wanted to kiss me because of a stupid bet we made before we met. he was 20 and i was 14, at the time. i still think about him every now and then. its just SO MAGICAL (sarcasm) that im going to remember him for the rest of my life and he didnt know who i was a month after we met. its pathetic to think about but, you only get ONE first kiss...and its sad to think that i wasted MY first with a stupid piece of shit jack ass. (trust me, there's another WHOLE 6 paragrapsh about that guy but im not going to get into ANY of it). i cant see me every getting a real boyfriend because im fat, ugly, pathetic, stupid, and NO ONE wants to date anyone like that. next year (2005) i graduate and i want to have an escort for grad. its been my dream since like grade 3. you DREAM about graduation for tweleve years, you DREAM about having an escort, and im NOT going to have one. because any guys that i know will already be an escort to a PRETTY girl who they actually care about. its stupid to worry about, i know. and i KNOW none of my friends are planning on having escorts. but ive always wanted one. and now as the date draws closer to grad, the more i realize that im NOT going to have one.
my job is becoming more and more of a joke as the days go by. im SICK of being bossed around by fucking RETARDS who think they own the place. even though i HAVE been there fucking longer than them, they like to tell ME what to do. and because im a pushover, i listen to them. i need to fucking stand up for myself. oh but wait, anytime i stand up for myself i get yelled at and punched in the forehead. and we wonder why chantelle is such a passive person. and i dont want to loose my temper at work because when im angry i say things i dont mean to people i like. and if i DID lose my temper on stupid bitches, i would have to work with them the next day anyway so THAT would just make for an awkward workplace. and god knows that work is the only place i can get away from the nagging i go through at home. oh but wait, i still get nagged on at work by the stupid bitch who thinks she owns the place. fuck.
i am THROUGH with this shit.