second - only the best
There are special men in my life all around the world. I like to refer to them as creeps. During evenings out in cities from the States or throughout Europe, they never fail to whip me with awful come-ons, soon followed by a face/ass/crotch grab in order to mark their courtship.
Examples (a retrospective of chivalry):
Portland, OR - out at a summer street fair, I notice a man in a COOL blazing leopard stripe polyester button down with mad goatee giving me some eye-tention. I politely decline eye tag but see him popping up in the crowds and leaning against pillars staring at me hard. As I am about to leave, he comes up trying to shove a 20 in my hand without so much a word. I crumple it up and throw it back at him, and he simply picks it up trying to force it into my hand again. Sorry dude, but for 20 bucks, I'm not even going to face slap you (nasty goatee)
Paris - at a dance club an older man starts grinding his way toward me, trying to plunge his hands up and down my shirt. It's like his right hand is going for my left nipple from down under, while his other hand is swooping down in a bid to attack my other nub. Weird move, but thankfully another guy cuts in between, effectively distancing him, and as I'm about to say, "merci," he starts trying to rub his crotch on me! Cue knight in shining leather number 3, and he pushes the guy back speaking in French, and now he is fighting over me as well. So I'm literally in a triangle of 3 French men arguing over who gets to fondle me on the dance floor, and I'm trying to yell 'Non! Non!' as strongly as I can, but it's difficult as fuck to be aggressive with this word. The words come out in a soft, "nuoh...nuoh.."
Later that evening as I walk past an outdoor cafe, a man yells at me, "I hear Japanese robots are good at math!" I whip out my middle fingers and shout, "I'm not JAPANESE......(pause).........BITCH!!" (or a robot, for that matter). Everyone at the outdoor cafe produced a perfect "ooooohhhhhh" sound in unison, just like in 4th grade when someone gets in trouble.
Athens, Greece - grandma spots me eating some vegetarian mousaka, and comes up a conversation about how I should eat dried fish with him on his private property. No thanks, but sure you can buy me a drink. He starts rubbing my shoulders, and I'm just like, you are buying me a drink because I'm cool, not because you get to touch me. Suddenly, two girls at the restaurant recognize him, come and join us, and he orders another round of ouzo (Greek liquor). I just feel uncomfortable at this point, so I'm about to bail, when suddenly he grabs me and starts saying that if I don't go home with him, I should pay for my drink. Whatever. I toss a few Euros, and he grabs me again. "NO, you pay for all the drink! Mine and hers! 80 EUROS!" Obviously a scammer, I run outta there.
London - at a karaoke bar with some Chinese music playing in the background. From the shadows, a Canadian man sidles next to me, and we're thigh by thigh. "Wow, this music sounds so exotic. I love it. Can you sing like that?" ::he winks::
Also heard around town: "Nice to meet you. Japenese culture is so fascinating! Here is what I can say; 'unintelligible blatherings'" "You are so beautiful. I just want to see you naked. That is all. I won't touch you, I promise." "Hey mate, need a wank?" "You have such exotic eyes. I love slim, hairless Oriental men."
St. Louis, MO - the most boring man that I've ever seen: average potato face, sortof a belly, patch of brown/gray hair comes over and starts making small talk with my roommate and I. We are just friendly explaining that we are in town for an art opening I have the next day. He tells his whole boring life story about being from LA and being an aspiring actor, but is in St. Louis at the moment for family reasons. BTW, his name is NEIL. ugh. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, and when I return, he's gone. I ask my roomy where he went. He says, "well, while you were gone, Neil asked me if he could take you home so he could have his way with you. And then he asked me to not follow you guys." I shudder to think what "have my way" would've warranted in Neil's head.
Chicago, IL - ugh..let's just say this is a rich repository of rejects...
Munich, Germany - the best in recent times... at a restaurant, a doped out redhead approaches my table. I'm sitting with my female friend Alicia, and another male gay friend, when he asks point blank if my girlfriend will sleep with him. She declines, and redhead immediately starts hitting on me instead. "Are you bi?" I enquire. "No, but I'm fucking pissed and flexible tonight. Let me kiss you." Then comes the full on manhands-face grab, and I turn my cheek so that his tongue digs their way into my ears instead of my lips. He slides his hands into my lap, and I plop them back onto his like a sack of greasy potatos. After a few more rejections, and suggestions that he go fuck his other male friend instead, he loses it barking, "You fucking NAZI. You're such a NAZI. Hail Hitler!!" That kindof behavior is actually illegal in Germany, but I smugged somewhere in the recesses of my mind imagining myself as one of the only Asians in Hitler's regime.
Men aren't dogs, rather more like a one-legged chicken.
Examples (a retrospective of chivalry):
Portland, OR - out at a summer street fair, I notice a man in a COOL blazing leopard stripe polyester button down with mad goatee giving me some eye-tention. I politely decline eye tag but see him popping up in the crowds and leaning against pillars staring at me hard. As I am about to leave, he comes up trying to shove a 20 in my hand without so much a word. I crumple it up and throw it back at him, and he simply picks it up trying to force it into my hand again. Sorry dude, but for 20 bucks, I'm not even going to face slap you (nasty goatee)
Paris - at a dance club an older man starts grinding his way toward me, trying to plunge his hands up and down my shirt. It's like his right hand is going for my left nipple from down under, while his other hand is swooping down in a bid to attack my other nub. Weird move, but thankfully another guy cuts in between, effectively distancing him, and as I'm about to say, "merci," he starts trying to rub his crotch on me! Cue knight in shining leather number 3, and he pushes the guy back speaking in French, and now he is fighting over me as well. So I'm literally in a triangle of 3 French men arguing over who gets to fondle me on the dance floor, and I'm trying to yell 'Non! Non!' as strongly as I can, but it's difficult as fuck to be aggressive with this word. The words come out in a soft, "nuoh...nuoh.."
Later that evening as I walk past an outdoor cafe, a man yells at me, "I hear Japanese robots are good at math!" I whip out my middle fingers and shout, "I'm not JAPANESE......(pause).........BITCH!!" (or a robot, for that matter). Everyone at the outdoor cafe produced a perfect "ooooohhhhhh" sound in unison, just like in 4th grade when someone gets in trouble.
Athens, Greece - grandma spots me eating some vegetarian mousaka, and comes up a conversation about how I should eat dried fish with him on his private property. No thanks, but sure you can buy me a drink. He starts rubbing my shoulders, and I'm just like, you are buying me a drink because I'm cool, not because you get to touch me. Suddenly, two girls at the restaurant recognize him, come and join us, and he orders another round of ouzo (Greek liquor). I just feel uncomfortable at this point, so I'm about to bail, when suddenly he grabs me and starts saying that if I don't go home with him, I should pay for my drink. Whatever. I toss a few Euros, and he grabs me again. "NO, you pay for all the drink! Mine and hers! 80 EUROS!" Obviously a scammer, I run outta there.
London - at a karaoke bar with some Chinese music playing in the background. From the shadows, a Canadian man sidles next to me, and we're thigh by thigh. "Wow, this music sounds so exotic. I love it. Can you sing like that?" ::he winks::
Also heard around town: "Nice to meet you. Japenese culture is so fascinating! Here is what I can say; 'unintelligible blatherings'" "You are so beautiful. I just want to see you naked. That is all. I won't touch you, I promise." "Hey mate, need a wank?" "You have such exotic eyes. I love slim, hairless Oriental men."
St. Louis, MO - the most boring man that I've ever seen: average potato face, sortof a belly, patch of brown/gray hair comes over and starts making small talk with my roommate and I. We are just friendly explaining that we are in town for an art opening I have the next day. He tells his whole boring life story about being from LA and being an aspiring actor, but is in St. Louis at the moment for family reasons. BTW, his name is NEIL. ugh. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, and when I return, he's gone. I ask my roomy where he went. He says, "well, while you were gone, Neil asked me if he could take you home so he could have his way with you. And then he asked me to not follow you guys." I shudder to think what "have my way" would've warranted in Neil's head.
Chicago, IL - ugh..let's just say this is a rich repository of rejects...
Munich, Germany - the best in recent times... at a restaurant, a doped out redhead approaches my table. I'm sitting with my female friend Alicia, and another male gay friend, when he asks point blank if my girlfriend will sleep with him. She declines, and redhead immediately starts hitting on me instead. "Are you bi?" I enquire. "No, but I'm fucking pissed and flexible tonight. Let me kiss you." Then comes the full on manhands-face grab, and I turn my cheek so that his tongue digs their way into my ears instead of my lips. He slides his hands into my lap, and I plop them back onto his like a sack of greasy potatos. After a few more rejections, and suggestions that he go fuck his other male friend instead, he loses it barking, "You fucking NAZI. You're such a NAZI. Hail Hitler!!" That kindof behavior is actually illegal in Germany, but I smugged somewhere in the recesses of my mind imagining myself as one of the only Asians in Hitler's regime.
Men aren't dogs, rather more like a one-legged chicken.