This is a Public Service Announcement.
I am very happy, but I feel like I can not be open about my happiness because there are some of you who may get offended. I don't want to offend anyone, because I genuinely do care about all of you. But I worry that if I have to hide my happiness because of things I have said and done in the past, that will be no kind of happiness at all. I can not explain my actions. I myself am stumped by so many things that I do, and this one is the kicker, honestly. I have abandoned an ideal I have worked so hard at perfecting, something I have fought so hard to convey and defend in every relationship I have had in the past three years. I didn't abandon it to spite anyone or to hurt anyone or anything like that. I just knew that it was right. For some reason, life saw fit to present to me someone who I for some reason get along with so well that it is almost scary. I have spent two weeks getting to know someone who I feel like I have been best friends with for two years. I don't know how things like this happen or why, and the whole chain of events has been so unlikely. I mean, I guess things like this do happen, I would never deny that, but they surely don't happen to me. Anyways, it did happen to me, and I'm really thankful. These past two weeks have been the happiest I have had in so long, surely the happiest since Alex passed away, and likely before that as well. I have been happy because I have no reason to hide anything about myself. I don't have to lie about my past, or explain any of it. If I need to explain it I can, but if I don't need to, I don't have to. There are so many facets of this relationship that make perfect sense, that should always exist but for some reason never have. None of that is really important to this entry, though. All I'm trying to say is that completely regardless of everything contradictory in my past; all the learning experiences that taught me to avoid commitment and sharing myself, all of the times I fought so hard to seal an abysmal fate that I truly believed was what I wanted- all of it was forgotten the second I met James, and I have been all the better for it.
There are some of you who come to mind when I write this, and I want to say that none of this has anything to do with you. I don't dislike you. I am not trying to hurt you. I am only trying to do the opposite for myself. I hope that you can be happy for me as I am happy for myself for the first time in so long. There is nothing you could have done to change any of the events that transpired between us. Things happen a certain way for a certain reason. I want so badly not to hurt any of you, but lying about the things that are going on in my life is not going to get me to that point, so I'm not going to. If you want to talk to me I will be here. If you don't want to talk to me I will understand.
That's all I have to say for today.
There are some of you who come to mind when I write this, and I want to say that none of this has anything to do with you. I don't dislike you. I am not trying to hurt you. I am only trying to do the opposite for myself. I hope that you can be happy for me as I am happy for myself for the first time in so long. There is nothing you could have done to change any of the events that transpired between us. Things happen a certain way for a certain reason. I want so badly not to hurt any of you, but lying about the things that are going on in my life is not going to get me to that point, so I'm not going to. If you want to talk to me I will be here. If you don't want to talk to me I will understand.
That's all I have to say for today.