i shed my skin at the water's edge

[imonstandby]

usually my most ground-breaking thoughts and realizations come at night when im going to sleep, or when its dark and the world is veiled by other concepts that i find more truthful and founded in the night; however, the other day it slapped me in the face (and i really did get my eyes real big and mummer "whoa" and pseudo-slapped myself on the cheek) when i realised that i have no direction. midle of the day, broad daylight, and i even said it out loud of a couple of times. usually the phrase represents the problems of finding who i am but without the actual worry, just the phrase " i have no direction in life" but for real this time, i realised i have no real idea of what im going to be in the next couple chapters of my life. it really hit me like a bag of bricks that im a kid, growing into a woman faster than she wants, who is finally having to make big choices in her life, especially when i look at eddie, who wants to be a civil engineer, and not just wants to be something, he's actaully doing something to make it happen. and even more of a shock than not knowing what to be, but how to achieve it just sent my brain into comatose. i just sat staring on the side of the road (yeah, i even pulled over) because it was so true, and so real that my life is starting NOW and i have to have some say in it or i'll become or do something i absolutely hate. this moment wasnt even pity or self-loathing, it was just a truth i forgot exisisted, and still exists, but again, at 2:03 on monday after noon, its just a phrase, no feeling, no emotions, just a simple sentence strung together with nouns and possessive pronouns.

i have no direction in my life