a no smoking sign on your cigarette break.

[imokay_trustme]

theres nothing better then taking a walk outside in the middle of the night and looking up at the sky smoking a cigarette. ive been doing this a lot lately. i've been walking away from situations. i really don't know what im writing but i feel the need to write. i write a lot when im happy or upset- poeple don't know this about me because i feel like i should keep these feelings to myself instead of sharing them with other people. i feel like that about my personal life. i wish i would keep things to myself before telling other poeple. because then those poeple form their own opinoins and that ends up being my opinion. i hate that. i wish i could have figured things out before everyone else thought that they should. don't get me wrong i mean im glad people care about me and look out for me but i wish i could look out for myself first. to me all that has gone on in like the past month should have been my business and no one elses. i guess i made it their business by telling them. i really wish i could take that fact back- but i can't now. i believe that things happen for a reason and i usually am able to figure those reasons out. right now i have no idea why all this had to happen. maybe it was some kind of wake up call from God, maybe not. i know that i let a lot of poeple down and i got a lot of poeple mad and upset. im sorry about that. im sorry to; jon, my mom, billy, wade, frank, caitlin, josh d., and tara. im also really sorry to dylan for having to put him through all this when i know that he didn't want to have to go through any of this. im not sure that if anything i do or say means anything to anyone anymore, but im trying to make things right. i miss summer. in summer nothing mattered. it was fun and i was happy. i had the time of my life in summer. i owe that to; dylan, caitlin, wade, frank, jimmy, tif, billy, kelly, and jon. these poeple made me who i am and for that i am grateful for. thank you guys for always being there for me and for always loving me when i know that i fuck up. thank you for laughing with me and for being there when i cry. i honestly have no idea what i would do without you guys. billy is perfect to talk to about a lot of things. dylan always there when i get upset about things and when something happens to me that effects my life and i feel like hes the only one that i can tell some things to because i know that he understands and that he cares and that he realy listens when i talk... or at least i think. cailtin and tif are always there to listen to me talk about the same things over and over again long into the night. and everyone else just knows how to make me smile when im pissed and upset enough that i never think that i will smile again. lately ive been getting closer with sarah and tara and matt. they always listen and make me smile. i feel like they listen to me and they let me make my own opinion. im thankful for everyone that im friends with. they mean so much to me. i don't think that some poeple realize how much i care about them. i also am thankful for janie. she makes me smile just thinking about her.
i love you all and im sorry for every bit of drama that i've caused. if i could i would leave you all alone and run and hide on the top of a mountain. a mountain because then i would be able to have a beautiful veiw of the sun rising and setting. God's creations are beautiful and im really starting to appreciate them.
with love, Julianne Elizabeth Mervine.