Fic: How Things Should Be, Part 2/9

[imogen_lefay]

Title: How Things Should Be (Part 2 of 9)
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Kurt/Blaine
Spoilers: -
Warnings:
Word Count: ~5050
Summary: Kurt Hummel's life is comfortable for a peasant with his work in the kitchen of Earl Anderson. It would be more comfortable, if he could rein in his feelings for the Earl's younger son, Blaine. But Kurt knows, life isn't a fairy tale. And lords marry ladies, they don't fall in love with kitchen servants.
Disclaimer: The characters aren't my property, just borrowing it all for a bit.
Notes: Oh, this chapter. I had it finished about a week ago - and then I reread it and completely hated it, deleted it, and started writing a completely different one. And I didn't even get to half the things I had planned to actually put into this chapter, so those were pushed back a chapter. Ah well, so it goes.


Part II

Kurt took great care the next days to take tasks that would keep his presence around the noble family to a minimum. He wasn't sure what he would do if he saw Blaine now, especially not if they ended up alone. Would it be awkward? Or strange? Would Blaine be angry with him?

Especially the last question should be a reasonable concern. After all, how often did it happen that a noble took a liking to a commoner, and then sought revenge after being rejected? But Kurt wasn't worried about that - no matter how upset Blaine might be, he wouldn't lash out because of it. There was no fear of retribution. What Kurt was really worried about was if he could stay strong and reasonable in the face of Blaine being upset or hurt.

He tried so hard to keep to himself, that it took him days to even realize that something was wrong. It was Brittany, first source of all gossip in the castle, who finally got through to him. Kurt was just cleaning the pots in the evening. It was one of his favorite tasks. Hardly any servants were still in the kitchen at this time and he could relax, have some time for himself. Well, and sometimes Blaine had come down to spend some time with him and chat. Of course, it hadn't happened in the last few days, but it was still nice to have some time to unwind. Or at least it was nice, until he noticed that Brittany had come in and was now throwing diverse ingredients together into a pan, right over the fire.

“Brittany, what are you doing?” he asked, coming closer. Brittany wasn't actually allowed to handle the food, her tasks were more in the area of cleaning. She had a special way to look at the world, and Shannon, the cook, didn't trust her not to accidentally poison somebody.

“I'm trying a miracle cure,” Brittany explained, “you can make tea to make people stop coughing, but I'd rather have a stew than drink tea. So I'm making herbal stew.”

Kurt frowned as he looked into her pan. There were indeed herbs, combined with potatoes, the cut-offs from this evening's roast, some carrots, sugar, cinnamon, bay leaves, cracked eggs with pieces of their shells, and some green things that Kurt couldn't quite identify.

“Where did you get that recipe?” Kurt asked skeptically.

“I thought of it myself,” Brittany said, “besides, tea isn't very nourishing, and Shannon said that the little lord hasn't eaten in days.”

Kurt froze. “Is something the matter with Blaine?” he asked.

Brittany looked at him in surprise. “The little lord can't eat because he's coughing all the time,” she said, “and he has ever since the solstice. I think it's the quail from the feast, he probably got some of it into his lungs and now it's trying to fly out again.”

“That's not how it works, Brittany,” Kurt said automatically.

“That's what Shannon said, but I think she just doesn't want to admit it because she cooked the quails. You see, your lungs can't digest food, that's why it doesn't just go away.”

“And what does Shannon think it is?” Kurt asked.

“She says it's a cold, or maybe a pneumonia, or possibly the red cough. It's not true though, it's the quail.”

“And you think this stew is going to help?”

“I put eggs in it, so the quail will maybe try to go after them to save them,” Brittany said. “Or maybe I should put in some worms? Maybe the quail is hungry and will try to get them?”

Kurt knew he was staring at her, as he was trying to figure out just how her mind had come to this conclusion, but then he shook his head and gave up.

“Brittany, I don't think it's going to work,” he said, trying to sound gentle.

“Why wouldn't it?”

He knew her well enough to not argue with her about her ideas. “I think if the quail sees him eating the eggs, it'll be too depressed and just dig deeper into his lung.”

Brittany's eyes widened. “I didn't think of that,” she said. “But what else can we do to help him? The coughing sounds really bad, and I think he's miserable.”

Kurt took the pan off the fire and started to think. “I'll make him a soup,” he said. “I learned a good recipe from my mother.”

“Will it help with the quail?” Brittany asked.

Kurt shrugged. “Maybe it's thirsty,” he said.

It seemed enough for Brittany, who soon was off to hopefully do whatever she was actually supposed to do, and left him alone in the kitchen. He quickly threw the contents of her pan away and got a new pot where he started making a soup. It was good to have something easy to do, as he tried to collect his thoughts.

He wasn't exactly surprised that Blaine was sick, not with how long he must have stayed outside after the Solstice feast. It was just a bit disconcerting for Kurt that he hadn't found out for days. It probably wasn't the red cough, no matter what Shannon said. She always thought everything was the red cough since the steward had died of it. If Blaine was seriously ill, the rumors would have spread much further. There was probably not too much reason to worry about Blaine. While he couldn't expect much care from his parents, the servants liked him enough to make sure he wouldn't need anything. But before, Kurt had always been there to take care of him. Now he hadn't even noticed it for days.

This wasn't how things were supposed to be between them. Even if it was going to be awkward after the Solstice, Kurt hadn't wanted to lose the connection between them. Well, this was going to stop now - or at least once the soup was ready.

Blaine's room was warm. Probably the countess had insisted on heating it as well as possible, seeing warmth as the ultimate cure for colds. Blaine was lying in his bed, but only his head and arms peeked out under a veritable mountain of blankets and furs. There was a red flush on his cheeks, and he was breathing heavily, his eyes screwed shut. Kurt had just stepped into the room, when Blaine started to cough, his body almost convulsing under the force of it. Kurt came closer and put the tray with soup onto the bedside table.

When the coughing stopped, Blaine looked up at him. Up close, Kurt could see the sweat gathering on his forehead, his dry and cracked lips, and his glazed eyes - but even then, the moment he saw Kurt, he started to smile.

“Hey,” he said, his voice hoarse.

“Whatever do I have to hear about you, M'lord?” Kurt said. “Brittany seems to think there's a bird in your lungs.”

Confusion spread on Blaine's face as he listened to the sentence. Kurt felt pity for him. It was hard enough to understand Brittany's logic on a good day, but when he was sick it had to be so much more confusing.

“It's just Brittany,” Kurt said, “here, let me feel your forehead.”

Blaine nodded and just stayed where he was, clearly trusting Kurt to do whatever he wanted. Kurt felt a lump in his throat. Carefully, he let his hand rest on Blaine's forehead, frowning at how warm it was under his touch. He clucked his tongue, not happy with what he felt.

“It really got you, didn't it?” he asked softly.

Blaine nodded, but before he could say anything, he was coughing again.

“Poor thing,” Kurt said. “Here, I brought you some soup, maybe it will help. Brittany says you haven't eaten much.”

“I'm not hungry,” Blaine said. It would have sounded more believable if his stomach didn't just start growling at that moment.

“Be reasonable,” Kurt said, trying to sound strict. It wasn't easy, given how clearly miserable the young lord looked.

Blaine sighed, but allowed Kurt to maneuver him into a sitting position.

In a way, it was a relief. For days, Kurt had worried that things would be awkward between them, or maybe there would be lingering hurt or bitterness about his rejection. But this wasn't awkward. This was a familiar situation, him taking care of Blaine, and maybe it would help them go back to how things had been before. With that hope, he put the spoon into Blaine's hand and pushed him to eat.

“It's good,” Blaine said hoarsely, as he tried the first sip of the soup.

Kurt gave him a short smile. “I'm glad,” he said. For a while, he watched Blaine eat, only in small sips, and not even half the bowl, but at least he was taking in some food now.

“Sorry,” Blaine said, when he couldn't eat any more.

“It's fine,” Kurt said, “I'm just relieved you've eaten anything at all. Brittany had me worried about you.”

“I'm not that sick,” Blaine said, “I'll be fine in a few days.”

“That's good,” Kurt said, “and maybe this will help you remember not to stay outside in this weather for hours.”

It was probably not the right thing to say, as Blaine dropped his gaze immediately to not look at him. Kurt felt a stab. It hadn't been necessary to bring up the night of the Solstice - and his rejection - again, it was just pointlessly hurtful. But then Blaine looked back up at him, an uncertain look on his face.

“Kurt? Are we okay? I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, and I... I don't want things to be strange.”

Kurt hesitated for a moment, but then he sat down on the bedside and took Blaine's hand in his. “They won't be,” he said. “We're okay, and nothing will change. I want us to be okay.”

Blaine smiled, and tonight it was genuine. “Me too,” he said, before another fit of coughing shook his body.

“How can you even sleep with that?” Kurt wondered.

“I can't. Not well at least,” Blaine admitted.

“Do you want me to stay?” Kurt regretted the question as soon as it had come out. As if the young lord really needed to deal with mixed signals on top of everything else.

Blaine was looking up at him in surprise, but eventually he shook his head. “No, but thank you. For the soup as well. You really didn't have to.”

Kurt shrugged, not sure if he should be relieved or disappointed about this answer. “I wanted to do something nice for you. And trust me, it's better than what Brittany had planned for you.”

Blaine chuckled, but fell right back into a coughing attack. Kurt winced at the sound, but he knew there wasn't much he could do to help.

He still waited until Blaine was lying back against his pillow, exhausted from the onslaught.

“Should I let you try to get some rest, then?” Kurt asked softly.

Blaine nodded, maybe still too weak to give a verbal answer. Kurt hesitated, though. It felt wrong to leave him alone, poor thing, so sick and looking so small under all those blankets... But there wasn't much Kurt could do for him. He tried to tell himself that it was the best he could do to let Blaine get some rest, and be grateful that things weren't going to be weird between them.

As long as the winter had ruled in the old year, as long did it take for spring to really set in. Fortunately, Blaine's health returned faster than the warmth did, and even before the snow had completely thawed, he was back on his feet, not even a hint of paleness as a reminder of his illness. And to his relief, Kurt found that things actually didn't become awkward between them. Blaine seemed to be completely over his rejection. As before, he spent more time with the servants than Earl Anderson would have been comfortable with, if he had taken time to notice. He talked to Kurt like before, visited him in the kitchen, and joked with him, completely at ease. So maybe Kurt noticed that Blaine had become less tactile, but he tried to convince himself this was what he had wanted. It was a good thing to remove the temptation.

He figured he was still allowed to miss it.

But as the spring finally set in, there was a shift of moods in the castle. Most people were happier in the sun, and this year in particular, the whole castle was buzzing in anticipation. Announcements and invitations had been sent to the crown prince's wedding, and a whole party would travel south to attend the festivities. Earl Anderson seemed especially content, Kurt could swear he even saw him smile once.

But Blaine's mood darkened with the rising temperatures. He became withdrawn again, as he had before the Solstice, got lost in his thoughts and smiled less. Of course, as the year progressed, his inevitable betrothal was drawing closer, and after his recovery it was bound to shift right back into focus for him. For Kurt, it was a welcome reminder on why he couldn't allow himself to wish for more.

“You should be happy, really,” Kurt said one evening in the kitchen, when Blaine had come to visit him again. Kurt was busy scrubbing the pans, and Blaine was sitting beside him, after his usual offer of help had been declined. “I've never been to the capital, and to go there for a royal wedding... I'm kind of jealous.”

“It's not as great as you think it is,” Blaine said with a shrug. “And the royal festivities are all very overwhelming. We had to be present for the naming ceremony of the youngest prince. I swear, there was gold and silk everywhere. And the food was so much... Honestly, they could have fed the whole capital for three days from it.”

“Didn't they?” Kurt asked. “I thought I heard the leftovers were given to the poor.”

“Some of it,” Blaine said, “but there were too many things that didn't keep for more than a day, and after the feast they were thrown away. I guess eventually that too landed with some beggars, but I doubt they were too happy about it.”

“Still, I wish I could see it once.”

“Me too, that is so weird!” They looked up, as another voice interrupted their conversation. Brittany had come to them and was now sitting down cross-legged in front of them. “I wish that too sometimes. I want to see something once, but then I blink, and suddenly I see it for the second time. And then I blink again, and then it's the third time I see it. That makes first impression really, really short. Do you think there are people who don't blink?”

All Kurt knew was, that Blaine was blinking in confusion a lot right now, as he often did around Brittany.

“Interesting concept, but I wouldn't mind to see the capital more than once,” Kurt said. “It's more about seeing it at all.”

Now Brittany looked confused. “Why wouldn't you see it? Are you planning on wearing a blindfold all the time we're there? Did you lose a bet?”

“What are you talking about? I'm not going to the capital,” Kurt said.

“But Shannon said we're going,” Brittany insisted. “For the wedding. It's custom for every lord invited to provide some specialty from their home for the celebration as a tribute, and we're going to go with the Earl and make some... pudding? Or cake? I don't remember. But she specifically said you would come to make it.”

It was Kurt's turn to be confused now. “Why didn't she tell me?”

Brittany frowned. “Maybe I was supposed to tell you?” she said. “I forgot, I was just so happy. A lot of noble families are going to be there, I'm so looking forward to it. Do you think Santana will be there?” The last part was directed at Blaine.

“You know Lady Lopez?” he asked.

“Of course, we met when her family was traveling north for that negotiation a year ago,” Brittany said. “She was really nice to me.”

“Must have been only to you,” Blaine said, shuddering at what Kurt assumed was the memory of Lady Lopez. It made him really curious about her, and a bit annoyed that he had accompanied Shannon on an errand during the short time of her stay.

“I'm hoping to see her again, anyway,” Brittany said. “Did you know, she even wanted to ask if I could start working at their estate, so we could spend more time together? But I rather stayed here. You don't find any unicorns that far south.”

“Unicorns?” Blaine asked. “Brittany... unicorns don't really-”

“I'm sure they're glad you stayed for them,” Kurt interrupted him. No discussions with Brittany, that was one of his most important rules. “Don't you have some cleaning to do, though?”

“I got bored with it,” Brittany said. Under Kurt's strict look, she shrugged. “I could go back to it?”

“You do that,” Kurt said, “we don't want you to get into trouble and not be allowed to come to the capital with us.”

Brittany's eyes widened in fear and she immediately turned around and left to do whatever she had neglected to do before.

“I'm sorry for her,” Kurt said to Blaine, who was still looking after her in confusion. “She can be... complicated.”

“I know,” Blaine said, “I guess I shouldn't be surprised about it anymore, but... she still manages it.”

“It's a very rare, very specific talent of hers,” Kurt said. “I find it easier to just go along with it.”

“You might have a point there,” Blaine said. Now that the distraction of Brittany had passed, his former melancholy returned. But now, Kurt had an idea just what the reason of it was.

“So I guess Lady Lopez is going to be there,” he said carefully.

Blaine sighed. “And Lady Fabray, Lady Motta, Lady Corazon... Almost every daughter of an influential lord that my father has considered as my bride. And of course lots of others he hasn't considered.”

“I assume that's why you're not looking forward to the trip.”

“He's planning to close the deal over the festivities,” Blaine said, “although I know that his selection has gone down a bit. Lady Fabray and Lady Lopez are the ones he's hoping for most. If that doesn't work out, he has his eyes set on Lady Motta - they have less influence, but make it up with gold. Lord St. James has lots of influence, and rumor has it he even has a daughter, although the family only ever presents their eldest son. I don't know, Father is really hoping for Lady Fabray or Lady Lopez. I'm not sure how he'll react if those don't work out.”

“How good are the chances for those matches to work?” Kurt asked.

Blaine shrugged. “He wouldn't share much about that with me,” he said, “so I have no idea. All he told me was which girls I should spend lots of time with while we were at the capital.” He laughed, but there wasn't much humor in it. “Charm them, that's what I should do. Charm all the girls he might want to match me with, and then he picks which he likes best. Or takes whatever he can get, I don't know. It just feels...” He sighed again. “It's not what I want. I can't imagine anyone wanting that.”

“That's how it works, Blaine,” Kurt said softly. “Nobody really gets what they want.”

“My father does,” Blaine replied. “Cooper did. It does work for some, doesn't it?”

“For very few, very lucky people,” Kurt admitted. “But not for most.”

A soft frown appeared on Blaine's face as he looked to Kurt. “What do you want?”

Kurt blinked. This was a loaded question, and one he didn't have an easy or quick answer to. What he wanted... He thought about acceptance - real, not the kind where he had to hide parts of himself. He thought about going back home to his family, without embarrassment within his family, and without being frowned at by people in his village. He thought about love, and fairy tales and how he wished it could really be this easy. And Blaine. It was impossible not to think about Blaine.

None of this was ever going to happen, and he couldn't put it into words, either. But he couldn't not give Blaine an answer.

“I want to be happy,” Kurt said. “Although I haven't figured out just what that means yet.”

Blaine looked at him with sadness, and there was a vulnerability in his expression that made Kurt's heart clench. “You should be. Happy.”

Kurt sighed. “It's not that easy. And you can't find something if you don't even know what it is you're looking for.”

“I still hope you'll find it,” Blaine said softly. All the time, he didn't break the eye contact between them.

Kurt felt warmth spread through his whole body. He knew he should look away, but he couldn't.

“What do you want?” he managed to whisper.

Blaine blinked, as if the question surprised him.

“There must be something you want,” Kurt said, unable to stop himself. He shouldn't be asking this, was almost afraid of what the answer would be. At the Solstice, Blaine had been clear enough about at least one thing he wanted.

But instead of answering directly, Blaine hesitated and then looked away. “It's funny,” he said, his voice a bit higher than usual. “I spend so much time thinking about having to do things I don't want to... I'm not even sure what it is that I do want.”

“I think you are,” Kurt said. “You can tell me.” He tried to smile to make things less loaded. “I won't laugh.”

Blaine looked up again. “Love,” he said eventually, his voice hardly above a whisper. “I'd really like to have love.”

Without thinking, Kurt took Blaine's hand into his. “That's not a stupid thing to want,” he said softly. “Actually, it's a really good thing.”

“But nothing I could expect from life,” Blaine said, his eyes never leaving their hands.

“As I said, people don't get what they want,” Kurt said. “We just have to make the best of the chances we get.” He felt like a hypocrite for those words. He knew the concept of Carpe Diem, to take any opportunity that presented itself. It had just never been him. If he couldn't have exactly what he wanted, he'd rather forget it completely than settle for anything less.

Blaine looked up from their hands and into Kurt's eyes as if he could see right through those words. But instead of commenting on it, he just smiled.

“It sounds nice,” he said.

Kurt returned the smile, before he withdrew his hand. “I still have to work, though, and you're distracting me.”

Blaine shook his head. “I would hate to get in the way of your work,” he said and stood up gracefully. “I'll see you tomorrow?”

“I'm sure you will,” Kurt replied. He kept his smile until Blaine had left the kitchen before he slumped against the wall. He had tried to avoid moments like this, but it was so hard.

What did he want?

At this moment, all he had wanted was to tell Blaine that he too wanted love, that he wanted to be the one Blaine loved, and wished he could have just said yes. But he had to be strong. One of them had to be, one of them had to be realistic. In the end, anything else would just hurt more in the long run - maybe even both of them.

The travel to the capital had been way too long, but as they passed through the city gates, Kurt knew that it had been worth it. The streets were polished, the houses rich, and there were flowers everywhere. Kurt spent the first few hours after they were shown their accommodations scouting out the area of the city they stayed in, drinking in the sights and sounds of it, the smells from the street vendors' stands, and all the different people in their elaborate, southern clothing. It was amazing and overwhelming, more than he could have ever imagined.

He only saw Blaine in the evening as he helped unpack the noble family's luggage, and even then he couldn't stop talking about all the things he had seen. Blaine just let him ramble on, sitting on his bed with a happy, indulgent smile on his face, but eventually he started laughing.

“What's so funny about this?” Kurt asked, slightly irritated. “I get that this is probably nothing out of the ordinary for you, but to me this is really special!”

“I do get that,” Blaine said, raising his hands to calm him down. “It's just, you don't have a very realistic view of this place. Trust me, I've been here before on lesser occasions. What you see now? It's not the real thing. Usually, it's so much dirtier, there are lots of poor people around. But for an event like a royal wedding, everything has to look perfect, so everything that isn't? Well, that gets hidden away. You wouldn't want to offend the guests with the real smell of the capital, for a start.”

Kurt deflated a bit. “It's just a show?” he asked.

Blaine nodded, although his smile diminished a bit. “Everything about this place is, if you get down to it.”

Kurt sighed. “I guess it would have been too amazing,” he admitted. “It was just...”

“Like a fairy tale?” Blaine asked.

It was exactly what Kurt had wanted to say. He shouldn't be surprised about it, after all he knew that Blaine liked those stories as well.

“Just like one,” Kurt said softly.

And again, Blaine was looking at him like that - as if Kurt's dreams had any chance of coming true, as if there was nothing easier in the world than to just give in, allow himself a moment of weakness... and he couldn't, he just couldn't.

With more strength than he thought he possessed, Kurt broke the eye contact between them.

“So what have you been up to today?” he asked, trying his best to sound light.

Blaine hesitated, and for a moment he looked almost upset, but then the smile returned to his face, and Kurt could almost believe that it was real.

“I spent the day with Cooper,” he said. “We've mostly been catching up, I haven't seen him in months. We also ran into Lady Tina and some of her friends. They visit the capital more often, so they showed us around a bit.”

“Lady Tina?” Kurt asked. The fondness in Blaine's voice had surprised him, and he hated that he actually felt upset about it. “Why, I believe that is the first time you talked about one of the young ladies without sounding as if you wanted to run away.”

Blaine laughed. “She's already married, Kurt. I don't think my father considers her. I believe Lord Chang is very happy about his son's marriage to her.”

“Oh.” Kurt felt a bit embarrassed and annoyed about how little he knew about the nobility. “So you haven't met any potential brides yet?”

“Not yet,” Blaine said, “although my father has some plans for dinner. Chances are I'll see some of them then.”

“Who are you having dinner with?” Kurt asked.

“I told you about that group of nobles that are currently very close to the throne, right?” Blaine asked. “We're having dinner with some of them, and their families.”

“What is the story behind that, anyway?” Kurt asked.

Blaine sighed. “There are some tensions between the south and the north at the moment. Dalton is in a complicated position. We're officially part of the south, but we're near the border to the north and it's never been exactly clear where we actually belong. In case of a conflict, my father definitely wants to stand with the south, but at the moment he doesn't have any close connection to those who have the king's ear. But they do consider an alliance with him, mostly as a sort of watch against the northern territories. So he wants me to marry one of their daughters.”

“And that's why he's so focused on Lady Fabray or Lady Lopez,” Kurt said.

Blaine nodded. “Exactly, and that also means-”

The door opened, and Blaine immediately stopped talking. But it was only Brittany who danced inside.

“Your father is looking for you, Mylord!” she said, a grin splitting her face. “You're going to dinner!”

Blaine sighed. “Well, there we go,” he said. He looked back to Kurt one more time. “Wish me luck?”

Kurt froze for a second, long enough for Blaine to look at him in confusion, a frown forming on his face. “Good luck,” he eventually managed, combined with a smile he knew couldn't even look close to sincere. How could he wish Blaine good luck in this? On the other hand, how selfish was it not to?

Blaine smiled, although there was an edge to it that Kurt hated. “I'll see you later,” he said softly.

Kurt nodded, not trusting his voice to speak until Blaine had left the room. Brittany followed after, clearly hoping to get along and have a chance to see Lady Santana. With a sigh, Kurt walked to the window and looked outside. The capital was still gorgeous, gleaming and shining, just... beautiful. He had wanted to come here, had looked forward to this trip. But the truth was, when they left this place, Blaine would be engaged. By the end of the year he would be married.

Kurt turned from the window. So everything was a show at the capital? Well, he could give a show as well. If he had to give a show of being a happy, supportive friend as he watched Blaine getting engaged and married to one of those ladies, then he would play the hell out that role.

And with a little luck, he might even convince himself.