Finite Love
"I'm afraid, Marcy."
"Afraid of what, John?" She looked at me with a real sort of curiosity, which made the fear strengthen tenfold inside of me.
"Of the end. I never really understood why, either. I always thought I'd be OK - I mean, what's the harm in nothing?"
She paused and furrowed her brow, taking a long swig of her hot chocolate. The hum drum ruckus around the coffee shop seemed to drop to a quiet lull, while my focus remained entirely on her. She was a beautiful woman, especially when she was deep in thought.
"I think that those types of thoughts will always plague us. It's probably a survival mechanism for our biology, I mean, if we didn't fear death even a little, how would we thrive as people?" she smiled at her own ability to come with an answer.
I nodded slowly. "Well, I see what you mean, but I'm not afraid of death per se. I'm afraid of something different."
She was entirely perplexed. "Well, what is it John?" She always got frustrated when I couldn't exactly say what I meant. It wasn't that I was bad with words, it was that my conversational motor worked at a much slower rate.
She was so damn beautiful. There are certain moments in time where if you could hold that exact feeling and take it with you for eternity, a sort of soul picture, you would. It's those times where love and peace are never enough and there is this insatiable desire to prolong the present. The future can wait forever for all you care.
I tried to figure the right words to say. I racked my brain to come up with a way to catch the essence of not only what I was thinking, but to express my darkest fears.
"I'm going to lose you. I won't ever be able to prove how much I love you, our wedding vows are meaningless because their finite. Mormons believe in being "sealed", a sort of eternal marriage. I want that with you. I want to be with you and to love you forever. But I won't get that because of the fucking grim reaper and damned mortality."
I was expecting a tinge of fear or anger at what I said, but instead she smiled politely. She sat back in her chair and looked out at the window, there was a soft glow from the setting sun and we could see two lovers riding on horseback near the horizon.
"Do you know why that's beautiful John?"
"They're in love?"
"Well, that's part of it. But why it's really beautiful, why it's really special resides in the fact that it isn't eternal. At any moment the two of them could be taken, and someday they both won't be here. The fact that they both know that and choose to spend each waking moment they have left with each other makes it more beautiful. The fact that you and I are here together in this old beaten up coffee shop sharing a moment together is priceless. We chose us, in our finite time and space, we chose to be together and to share each other. That's more beautiful than anything eternal could ever be."
"Afraid of what, John?" She looked at me with a real sort of curiosity, which made the fear strengthen tenfold inside of me.
"Of the end. I never really understood why, either. I always thought I'd be OK - I mean, what's the harm in nothing?"
She paused and furrowed her brow, taking a long swig of her hot chocolate. The hum drum ruckus around the coffee shop seemed to drop to a quiet lull, while my focus remained entirely on her. She was a beautiful woman, especially when she was deep in thought.
"I think that those types of thoughts will always plague us. It's probably a survival mechanism for our biology, I mean, if we didn't fear death even a little, how would we thrive as people?" she smiled at her own ability to come with an answer.
I nodded slowly. "Well, I see what you mean, but I'm not afraid of death per se. I'm afraid of something different."
She was entirely perplexed. "Well, what is it John?" She always got frustrated when I couldn't exactly say what I meant. It wasn't that I was bad with words, it was that my conversational motor worked at a much slower rate.
She was so damn beautiful. There are certain moments in time where if you could hold that exact feeling and take it with you for eternity, a sort of soul picture, you would. It's those times where love and peace are never enough and there is this insatiable desire to prolong the present. The future can wait forever for all you care.
I tried to figure the right words to say. I racked my brain to come up with a way to catch the essence of not only what I was thinking, but to express my darkest fears.
"I'm going to lose you. I won't ever be able to prove how much I love you, our wedding vows are meaningless because their finite. Mormons believe in being "sealed", a sort of eternal marriage. I want that with you. I want to be with you and to love you forever. But I won't get that because of the fucking grim reaper and damned mortality."
I was expecting a tinge of fear or anger at what I said, but instead she smiled politely. She sat back in her chair and looked out at the window, there was a soft glow from the setting sun and we could see two lovers riding on horseback near the horizon.
"Do you know why that's beautiful John?"
"They're in love?"
"Well, that's part of it. But why it's really beautiful, why it's really special resides in the fact that it isn't eternal. At any moment the two of them could be taken, and someday they both won't be here. The fact that they both know that and choose to spend each waking moment they have left with each other makes it more beautiful. The fact that you and I are here together in this old beaten up coffee shop sharing a moment together is priceless. We chose us, in our finite time and space, we chose to be together and to share each other. That's more beautiful than anything eternal could ever be."