support systems don't work.

[imnotyour_starx]

I can honestly say that I don't really know what it feels like to have a support system. So many people have preached to me about how necessary it is, and how much it can help me to "get better". Well, seeing as how my family is a complete dud, and I can't rely on anyone else, I am feeling very screwed. I don't know how I have put myself into this situation. Really, I don't. As pessimistic as all of this may sound, I would never exaggerate about this sort of thing. In all truthfulness and honesty, I have no one to rely on. Sure, there are plenty of people willing to listen, but it isn't an everyday sort of deal. I think the reason that it isn't an everyday thing is because that would mean that it would qualify as a friendship, and Lord knows that I have no luck in that department. I can't keep friendships. I throw them away, bury them, and push them away with no shame at all. There is no way for me to embrace them, and I can't maintain them. Of course I can always help a fellow human being, but I really feel as if I cannot count on anyone for the same thing. I have problems, concerns, issues, and shit to deal with just like everyone else. Not to mention all of the extra things weighing me down like my bi-polar disorder, my obesity, my imbalance, and my extreme tendency to do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE else. Don't get me wrong, though. Helping others gives me something to keep my mind off of the other things...it's just that I cannot deal with my own stuff. I can't even think about it without crying or screaming or feeling so many things at once that I go numb. I know that I may appear to be wallowing in a vat of self-pity, but I can assure you that it's all true. So, regarding all of these things, I really should have a support system in place so I don't take all of these things and turn them into something dangerous. This could mean many things, most of which could send me right back to where I was last year. However, I have turned to other things to keep my spirits up. One of these things I promised to quit after about another week, but I don't know how. I try to keep so many things a secret, but I just can't seem to. I feel such a heavy weight on my shoulders and chest that it's becoming too unbearable for me to hide any longer. What can I possibly do to counteract this? I can't find a support system. I can't find a peaceful mind. I can't find anything in my dark mind. Where is the light?
Where?