my story-- almost 4 years later
I was 19, in college, planning on going to medical school.
I knew what birthcontrol was, and I knew what condoms were. I had limited sexual experience, but I knew that I did't want to get pregnant.
I didn't use anything. I didn't protect myself. my boyfriend (then, now husband) was told that he would not be able to reproduce, and boy were they wrong. We had a lot of unprotected sex. We even had a few pregnancy scares. I didn't decide that I should look into going onto birthcontrol, and I didn't make him (or even ask him) to wear a condom.
I grew up in a good neighborhood, I was a good kid. I just made a bad choice.
I don't talk about it. It hurts though sometimes. We decided not to have children before this happened, and afterwards we are sticking to that decision. People don't understand or respect that decision. We are often faced with friends and family telling us how great we would be as parents, as well as warning us that we'll change our minds. Obviously they don't know what we have been through and what we plan for the future. Sometimes I think that our decision to not have children has nothing to do with my abortion, sometimes I think that it has everything in the world to do with that decision. I think that maybe they are really unrelated, with possibly correlation.
I had a very pro-life friend try to convince me to just go through with the pregnancy and give the child up for adoption. I knew that wouldn't happen. Even though it would have been an adorable child, it would have been a interracial baby, and I knew that it had little to no chance of probably getting adopted. I also knew that I couldn't deal with the reprocussions of being pregnant.
It's not that there is such a stigma, but I couldn't deal with being pregnant for 9 months and to be so resentful of the decision that this parasite was defining my life, and existence.
My pro-life friend introduced me to one of her friends who had an abortion 20 years ago, and regretted it. This woman put a baby on my lap and asked me if I still wanted to go through with it. Over crappy mexican food, and discussions boardering on theological discussions, she tried to convince me that this was not the best decision for me. I didn't even waiver, I cried, but I didn't waiver.
I don't talk about what she did. I don't talk about the experience, mainly because it's something that no one can really relate to, and it's words that resonate in my actions (being vocally pro-choice, and the likes).
I guess the hardest part was getting over the fact that I didn't feel any grief. I was sad because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. I thought that would make things right between my boyfriend and myself. It didn't though. I think that we both ended up moving on, in our own ways, and we are okay with it. I still don't feel guilty for what I did, because I made a choice that I am very confident in. I understand that not everyone can feel the way that I do about thier choice, and what they would choose, and I think that's why abortion is not for everyone, and that's why it should be a choice, not a mandate.
I fear my family finding out (they would not approve), I fear losing friends over my choice, I fear losing the ability to choose, I fear accidentially getting pregnant again, I fear judgment on my choice, I fear people thinking that I am callous person for not feeling guilty, I fear people not understanding why I had to make that choice (even though I try to explain to them).
As the years go by, it's easier to talk about. And it's easier in general. We don't live in the same town, we moved last year, and it made it a lot easier to handle. We talk about it occasionally, but we both fight for choice. We volunteer at Planned Parenthood, and we went to the March in DC in April 2004.
This isn't the first time that I have written about it. But, I am thankful that I have found this community to share my story.