(no subject)
days seem to go by so quickly, yet when someone mentions something happened yesterday it seems like it was a few weeks ago. last night feels like a couple nights ago, and i can't remember many details about anything anymore. i'd like to reflect on things, but it feels impossible. i feel like i've lost touch with reality. is there really such a thing as reality? i guess my reality would have to be different than everyone else's, therefore it's ok that i've lost touch with a reality and have found a new reality which i'm not quite sure i like. it's not that i liked it better before, i was just accustomed to it.
and i start to think more and it's really the same way it was before, i'd just like to think it's different, because i'd like to think that i felt better before, when i know i feel exactly the same. i think people are treating me differently though. or i'm acting differently, therefore people are reacting differently towards me. i have no idea. i'm not even sure what i'm writing about anymore. i feel like i'm just floating through life. there's no reason. i'm just there. there are other people who have some kind of meaning, or at least they know what they want to do, while i'm sitting here skipping classes wondering when everything's going to catch up to me and i'm going to panic even more.
i'm not sure how to explain why i feel the need to skip class. in the first place, this semester at least, i was legitimately sick. now i don't go because i'm scared. scared of what? failure? that doesn't make sense, skipping CAUSES failure. i don't like to be in a place where i don't really know anyone. i don't like thinking about some random person coming up to me and starting a conversation. i get scared of what my professors will say about me missing so many classes, yet i'm not doing anything to help the situation. what the fuck is wrong with me? i don't know what to say if my professors ask me why i've missed so many classes, "yea, i have anxiety attacks just thinking about going to class, so i don't go anymore. will you still pass me?" not that i could ever gather the courage to even talk to them.
i'm not sure what to do anymore. i'm caught in this cycle. my entire life feels like an endless cycle right now. i want something different, but i don't know what.
and i start to think more and it's really the same way it was before, i'd just like to think it's different, because i'd like to think that i felt better before, when i know i feel exactly the same. i think people are treating me differently though. or i'm acting differently, therefore people are reacting differently towards me. i have no idea. i'm not even sure what i'm writing about anymore. i feel like i'm just floating through life. there's no reason. i'm just there. there are other people who have some kind of meaning, or at least they know what they want to do, while i'm sitting here skipping classes wondering when everything's going to catch up to me and i'm going to panic even more.
i'm not sure how to explain why i feel the need to skip class. in the first place, this semester at least, i was legitimately sick. now i don't go because i'm scared. scared of what? failure? that doesn't make sense, skipping CAUSES failure. i don't like to be in a place where i don't really know anyone. i don't like thinking about some random person coming up to me and starting a conversation. i get scared of what my professors will say about me missing so many classes, yet i'm not doing anything to help the situation. what the fuck is wrong with me? i don't know what to say if my professors ask me why i've missed so many classes, "yea, i have anxiety attacks just thinking about going to class, so i don't go anymore. will you still pass me?" not that i could ever gather the courage to even talk to them.
i'm not sure what to do anymore. i'm caught in this cycle. my entire life feels like an endless cycle right now. i want something different, but i don't know what.