For just_muse_me | 17.1.2 Joshua J. Marine Quote
17.1.2. “Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” - Joshua J. Marine
Co-written with pullmysteth
Evie gently sat the receiver back on the cradle. Not all the phones in the house were cordless, and for some reason Evie was grateful that this particular was taken on an older phone. Like it made it more real if there was a cord attached to the handset. She stood there, eyes staring off into space as a small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. No matter how long it had been since their test results had come back, this call seemed to make it even more real. They were going to make a baby! There would be a little Riley, or Evie running around soon. She shook her head in disbelief and laughed as she made her way back into the sitting room as she carried her and Riley's cups of tea.
For once they'd had a day off that had overlapped and they'd spent it all lounging around, and just enjoying each other's company. Tab and Luke had spent the day at their future bar, so they'd had the house to themselves, and made the most of it. She handed Riley his tea and took her place beside him on the sofa, her blue eyes shining as she looked at him. "Guess what?"
Riley hadn't bothered getting fully dressed after their 'making the most of it'. He had just pulled on some track pants and that was the extent of it. It was a warm spring day outside, so it wasn't like he was going to freeze to death. He had gained some weight again since being ill, so he didn't look like a horror anymore if he went without a shirt. He accepted the cup, looking at her curiously. "What? I can't go another round yet. I just need to..." he waved his hand, "replenish," he said with a smirk.
Evie grinned, and slung her leg over his. She was wearing one of his t-shirts and a pair of her little boxers. It was the most clothing she'd worn all day. She hadn't bothered with underwear either, and she wasn't complaining one bit. It was nice to just not have to make the effort. "That was the clinic. Hope your right wrist is feeling strong, because you're going to have to come in a cup. It's time to make a baby, sexy."
Riley's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "What? Right now? I can't do it right now, there is no way! Not to mention we're not in New York..." he blinked and then bit down on his lip. "Are you sure? That's really soon. It's not even been a week on the injections."
Evie smirked. "No, not right now. Next week, so you've got plenty of time to 'replenish'. According to the fertility experts next week will be the perfect time for me to be impregnated. And they'd know, right? I'm just telling you what they said. Call them back if you want, sweetheart. We need to work out a time anyway. I couldn't really commit since I wasn't sure what hours you were doing."
Riley went to say something but then his nose scrunched up. "That means we can't have sex, you know. From now until then. They recommend abstinence in that brochure to get better results. I'm night next week, whole week in the ICU. I'll have to try and see if I can get a couple of days off." He sucked on the corner of his lip, yet to touch his tea. "Holy shit."
Evie frowned a little. "So we're done for the day? Aren't we allowed just one more session? I mean, our last wasn't our last because we didn't know it would be our last." Her bottom lip stuck out in what was starting to be a pout, but she quickly put a stop to it. They would be making a baby. That had to be their priority now. She took a sip of her tea, and watched him. "I know... I can't believe it. I can, but I can't."
"We're having one go. We should probably try to do it all right. I'm not saying it's going to be easy. I have a very bad track record for inconvenient boners when I'm in a drought, much to Tab's amusement. This is..." Riley's nose scrunched up again, showing his restlessness at the notion. Sex had proven to be good stress relief for him recently and at the most stressful time he would probably see in a long time, he had to abstain. "I don't have to be all confident about this, do I? I'm not sure I can be."
Evie rest her head on his shoulder and nursed her mug of tea. She was going to miss the sex, that was for sure. "Hey, we can deal with the boners. We'll just have to find something that will be sure to kill them. Just, you know, not for good since I'll be needing you to get a boner when we have the all clear again. We'll just have to find something else to do." She moved her head to look up at him, and wet her lips. "No, sexy, you don't. I don't have to be either. I thought I could be, but this is pretty fucking scary."
"Are we going to be okay...?" Riley asked her quietly. "You know, if it doesn't work? If something goes wrong? It'll mean we might not ever be able to."
Evie leaned forward to set her tea down on the table before she shifted to face him and crossed her legs under her. "I don't mean this to sound blunt, but I'm not with you for the kids, Riley. Yeah, I want them with you, but having kids is not why I'm marrying you, or why I love you. Even before the HIV thing I wasn't in it for children." She pressed her lips together as she rest her hand on his arm. "It's going to suck if it doesn't work, and we'll probably hurt for a while, but we'll pull through. We'll still have each other."
Riley put his hand up and scratched at the back of his neck. "As stupid as it sounds, I lie awake the nights I can't sleep and wonder what our kid would be like. If they'll be friends with RJ, or if they'll hate each other," he laughed a little, shaking his head slowly. "I wonder what they'll like and hate, if they'll look like you or me. I mean, look at RJ. Spitting image of Lachlan. Or maybe they'll look like Tab?" This made him laugh more in amusement. "Then again, if we have a son, he might turn out like Pat."
Evie laughed softly. "All that's pretty natural. It's not stupid. I more wonder if our kid will have your beautiful eyes, and be a quiet deviant like you. If they'll have your hands, and like the same music as me. It's just strange thinking we're going to have some kid we'll imprint on. I have no idea what they'll look like, but I figure we just need to be patient... We'll drive ourselves crazy otherwise." Evie stroked her thumb against his arm and smiled. "If it's a boy, he should have your unruly locks, and eyes. And that mouth..."
"We're lucky, you know..." Riley murmured, looking down a little. "We at least get a chance. Pat and Aiden... well, they won't ever have a kid together, not biologically." He thought back to the conversation with Pat outside at Lachlan's party. Pat hadn't said specifically what it was, but Riley sensed something. He was still stunned Pat was even married, and with everyone around them in procreation mode, it had to be a thought that would cross Pat's mind sooner or later.
"Yeah, I guess surrogacy really only carries one of their genes... That's got to be tough. How do you decide who'd be the father?" Evie's brow crinkled a little. "Tara feels like shit for what she said to Pat, and she doesn't even know why."
Riley touched her lips with his fingers. "Pat didn't tell me what Tara said," he admitted, even if it was tempting to hear what Evie knew. "I guess he didn't tell me for a reason. He said he needed to talk to Aiden. If you tell me what it was, I'll want to stick my nose in to try and help, which might make things worse. Pat was really upset about something, but regretful he had upset Tara because of it. It was... well, it was surreal. I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact Pat was married."
"I've managed to keep my nose out purely because it's not my place to get involved," Evie replied quietly. "It's between him and Tara, and Aiden. If you really don't want to know I'm happy to keep my pretty mouth shut. Or, you know, you can keep it occupied. Abstinence doesn't need to involve kissing. I'm happy for Aiden and Pat, I really am. They make each other happy."
Riley shook his head in the negative. "Kissing leads to non-abstinence. I'm not that savvy in abstinence. All or nothing," he had to decide, as much as it was already frustrating him. "It's the calm before the storm. I just don't know what the storm is. I hope he talks to Aiden and they deal with it together. It's easy not to do that. But that look on his face... I knew it. I've seen it looking back at me in the mirror."
Evie blinked, the kissing and lack of sex forgotten in an instant. "What look?"
"Regret for being a burden," Riley said with a small shrug. "I don't know what Tara said, but it's stirred something up for Pat, something he's not looking forward to talking to Aiden about."
Evie sighed. "You're not a burden. I don't exactly know who you think you're putting the burden on, but it's not me. It's not your sister. Maybe it's the MS?"
Riley shook his head. "Not now. I'm talking in the past, when I was at my worst, when I got the diagnosis. And I just don't know. I couldn't push when he was already upset. He's well now, that's the thing. He's doing really well. He's even thinking about going back to work after the Scotland trip. I just want to help, but I know I can't."
She leaned forward to press a kiss to his shoulder since Riley wouldn't let her kiss his mouth. "I'm sorry you ever had to know what that felt like. I wouldn't ever wish it on anyone. I remember the look on my mother's face. I hope Pat stays well, but I guess there's not guarantees. He's just got to be able to enjoy it while it lasts. Otherwise he'll spend his time being well worrying."
"That's what makes me think the Tara thing brought to the forefront that there are no guarantees he'll stay well. He knows it could literally change any day." Riley chewed on his lip again. "It was about kids, wasn't it? You don't need to tell me what, but I just can't help wondering. I'm not sure what else it could be. I'm just really glad we at least have a chance."
"Me too. I would still like to think that even if it didn't work, we still would," Evie told him with a sad smile. "Kind of got used to having you around."
Riley sighed a little and shifted in his seat. "I can only take each day, love. Anything else, and you know I send myself crazy."
"I know, I just... I don't want another day where it might be the end." Evie shrugged helplessly as she looked at him. "I'm selfish in that respect, okay? Just ignore me."
Riley put his tea down and tucked his hands in between his knees so he couldn't see his wrists. Mostly he forgot about the scar, but it was still there. It always would be. "I'm not going to... if this is about that time... I won't do that again," he promised. "Not now."
Evie twirled a lock of his hair around her finger, before she stroked the side of his face. "Good, but no. This was more relationship end, than that kind of ending."
Riley sighed in relief and nodded. He wouldn't blame anyone close to him fearing he might try that again. It was nice to know they understood it had been a freak, terrified moment of his life where his brain literally just stopped working rationally. "Why would the relationship end?" he asked her, forehead creasing at the question.
Evie remembered that time all too well. She remembered how freaked she'd been, and even more so how scared Riley's sister had been. She definitely didn't want it happening again. "You just asked moments ago if we'd be okay if this one time failed. Sometimes children, born or unborn, or even not conceived can place strain on a relationship and push it to breaking point." Evie let out a slow breath. "I don't think we would ever let that kind of resentment build up, though. We're always able to talk about things."
Riley shook his head. "No, I didn't mean our relationship. I mean us, inside, emotionally. I remember how much it broke Lachlan and Tara when they were told he was infertile, but that was a shock to them. They weren't prepared for it. I won't lie, though. I have worried that if we can't, down the track, you might still want to. We're only young, afterall."
"Oh, sorry. There's still adoption. I don't need to have my own kid, sexy. I could quite happily commit myself to giving a child in need of a home. Adoption would probably take a while as well, so either way there's waiting involved. We can heal from anything, Riley. We've proved that. It all takes time. I just don't want us to miss out on our chance. We'll hate ourselves more for never trying," Evie said as she pushed her fingers through her blonde hair.
Riley was chewing on his thumb nail again. A common nervous habit for him. "You know that look on Lachlan's face when he came out after Tara had given birth to tell us he had a son, then kissed the janitor?" he asked looking up at her. "I want to feel like that. I want to know what that feels like."
Evie climbed onto his lap, and wrapped her arms around his fiance as she still gave him enough room to chew on his thumbnail. "You know that smile Tara gets when she talks about RJ... I want to have that."
Riley nodded, a small smile appearing on his lips. He knew that exact smile. Absolute, undiluted love and an awe that she even created something that perfect. "Maybe we should have two tries?" he suggested softly, albeit hesitantly.
Evie kissed his forehead, then kissed his cheek. "Maybe we should."
Words: 2507 | All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Co-written with pullmysteth
Evie gently sat the receiver back on the cradle. Not all the phones in the house were cordless, and for some reason Evie was grateful that this particular was taken on an older phone. Like it made it more real if there was a cord attached to the handset. She stood there, eyes staring off into space as a small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. No matter how long it had been since their test results had come back, this call seemed to make it even more real. They were going to make a baby! There would be a little Riley, or Evie running around soon. She shook her head in disbelief and laughed as she made her way back into the sitting room as she carried her and Riley's cups of tea.
For once they'd had a day off that had overlapped and they'd spent it all lounging around, and just enjoying each other's company. Tab and Luke had spent the day at their future bar, so they'd had the house to themselves, and made the most of it. She handed Riley his tea and took her place beside him on the sofa, her blue eyes shining as she looked at him. "Guess what?"
Riley hadn't bothered getting fully dressed after their 'making the most of it'. He had just pulled on some track pants and that was the extent of it. It was a warm spring day outside, so it wasn't like he was going to freeze to death. He had gained some weight again since being ill, so he didn't look like a horror anymore if he went without a shirt. He accepted the cup, looking at her curiously. "What? I can't go another round yet. I just need to..." he waved his hand, "replenish," he said with a smirk.
Evie grinned, and slung her leg over his. She was wearing one of his t-shirts and a pair of her little boxers. It was the most clothing she'd worn all day. She hadn't bothered with underwear either, and she wasn't complaining one bit. It was nice to just not have to make the effort. "That was the clinic. Hope your right wrist is feeling strong, because you're going to have to come in a cup. It's time to make a baby, sexy."
Riley's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "What? Right now? I can't do it right now, there is no way! Not to mention we're not in New York..." he blinked and then bit down on his lip. "Are you sure? That's really soon. It's not even been a week on the injections."
Evie smirked. "No, not right now. Next week, so you've got plenty of time to 'replenish'. According to the fertility experts next week will be the perfect time for me to be impregnated. And they'd know, right? I'm just telling you what they said. Call them back if you want, sweetheart. We need to work out a time anyway. I couldn't really commit since I wasn't sure what hours you were doing."
Riley went to say something but then his nose scrunched up. "That means we can't have sex, you know. From now until then. They recommend abstinence in that brochure to get better results. I'm night next week, whole week in the ICU. I'll have to try and see if I can get a couple of days off." He sucked on the corner of his lip, yet to touch his tea. "Holy shit."
Evie frowned a little. "So we're done for the day? Aren't we allowed just one more session? I mean, our last wasn't our last because we didn't know it would be our last." Her bottom lip stuck out in what was starting to be a pout, but she quickly put a stop to it. They would be making a baby. That had to be their priority now. She took a sip of her tea, and watched him. "I know... I can't believe it. I can, but I can't."
"We're having one go. We should probably try to do it all right. I'm not saying it's going to be easy. I have a very bad track record for inconvenient boners when I'm in a drought, much to Tab's amusement. This is..." Riley's nose scrunched up again, showing his restlessness at the notion. Sex had proven to be good stress relief for him recently and at the most stressful time he would probably see in a long time, he had to abstain. "I don't have to be all confident about this, do I? I'm not sure I can be."
Evie rest her head on his shoulder and nursed her mug of tea. She was going to miss the sex, that was for sure. "Hey, we can deal with the boners. We'll just have to find something that will be sure to kill them. Just, you know, not for good since I'll be needing you to get a boner when we have the all clear again. We'll just have to find something else to do." She moved her head to look up at him, and wet her lips. "No, sexy, you don't. I don't have to be either. I thought I could be, but this is pretty fucking scary."
"Are we going to be okay...?" Riley asked her quietly. "You know, if it doesn't work? If something goes wrong? It'll mean we might not ever be able to."
Evie leaned forward to set her tea down on the table before she shifted to face him and crossed her legs under her. "I don't mean this to sound blunt, but I'm not with you for the kids, Riley. Yeah, I want them with you, but having kids is not why I'm marrying you, or why I love you. Even before the HIV thing I wasn't in it for children." She pressed her lips together as she rest her hand on his arm. "It's going to suck if it doesn't work, and we'll probably hurt for a while, but we'll pull through. We'll still have each other."
Riley put his hand up and scratched at the back of his neck. "As stupid as it sounds, I lie awake the nights I can't sleep and wonder what our kid would be like. If they'll be friends with RJ, or if they'll hate each other," he laughed a little, shaking his head slowly. "I wonder what they'll like and hate, if they'll look like you or me. I mean, look at RJ. Spitting image of Lachlan. Or maybe they'll look like Tab?" This made him laugh more in amusement. "Then again, if we have a son, he might turn out like Pat."
Evie laughed softly. "All that's pretty natural. It's not stupid. I more wonder if our kid will have your beautiful eyes, and be a quiet deviant like you. If they'll have your hands, and like the same music as me. It's just strange thinking we're going to have some kid we'll imprint on. I have no idea what they'll look like, but I figure we just need to be patient... We'll drive ourselves crazy otherwise." Evie stroked her thumb against his arm and smiled. "If it's a boy, he should have your unruly locks, and eyes. And that mouth..."
"We're lucky, you know..." Riley murmured, looking down a little. "We at least get a chance. Pat and Aiden... well, they won't ever have a kid together, not biologically." He thought back to the conversation with Pat outside at Lachlan's party. Pat hadn't said specifically what it was, but Riley sensed something. He was still stunned Pat was even married, and with everyone around them in procreation mode, it had to be a thought that would cross Pat's mind sooner or later.
"Yeah, I guess surrogacy really only carries one of their genes... That's got to be tough. How do you decide who'd be the father?" Evie's brow crinkled a little. "Tara feels like shit for what she said to Pat, and she doesn't even know why."
Riley touched her lips with his fingers. "Pat didn't tell me what Tara said," he admitted, even if it was tempting to hear what Evie knew. "I guess he didn't tell me for a reason. He said he needed to talk to Aiden. If you tell me what it was, I'll want to stick my nose in to try and help, which might make things worse. Pat was really upset about something, but regretful he had upset Tara because of it. It was... well, it was surreal. I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact Pat was married."
"I've managed to keep my nose out purely because it's not my place to get involved," Evie replied quietly. "It's between him and Tara, and Aiden. If you really don't want to know I'm happy to keep my pretty mouth shut. Or, you know, you can keep it occupied. Abstinence doesn't need to involve kissing. I'm happy for Aiden and Pat, I really am. They make each other happy."
Riley shook his head in the negative. "Kissing leads to non-abstinence. I'm not that savvy in abstinence. All or nothing," he had to decide, as much as it was already frustrating him. "It's the calm before the storm. I just don't know what the storm is. I hope he talks to Aiden and they deal with it together. It's easy not to do that. But that look on his face... I knew it. I've seen it looking back at me in the mirror."
Evie blinked, the kissing and lack of sex forgotten in an instant. "What look?"
"Regret for being a burden," Riley said with a small shrug. "I don't know what Tara said, but it's stirred something up for Pat, something he's not looking forward to talking to Aiden about."
Evie sighed. "You're not a burden. I don't exactly know who you think you're putting the burden on, but it's not me. It's not your sister. Maybe it's the MS?"
Riley shook his head. "Not now. I'm talking in the past, when I was at my worst, when I got the diagnosis. And I just don't know. I couldn't push when he was already upset. He's well now, that's the thing. He's doing really well. He's even thinking about going back to work after the Scotland trip. I just want to help, but I know I can't."
She leaned forward to press a kiss to his shoulder since Riley wouldn't let her kiss his mouth. "I'm sorry you ever had to know what that felt like. I wouldn't ever wish it on anyone. I remember the look on my mother's face. I hope Pat stays well, but I guess there's not guarantees. He's just got to be able to enjoy it while it lasts. Otherwise he'll spend his time being well worrying."
"That's what makes me think the Tara thing brought to the forefront that there are no guarantees he'll stay well. He knows it could literally change any day." Riley chewed on his lip again. "It was about kids, wasn't it? You don't need to tell me what, but I just can't help wondering. I'm not sure what else it could be. I'm just really glad we at least have a chance."
"Me too. I would still like to think that even if it didn't work, we still would," Evie told him with a sad smile. "Kind of got used to having you around."
Riley sighed a little and shifted in his seat. "I can only take each day, love. Anything else, and you know I send myself crazy."
"I know, I just... I don't want another day where it might be the end." Evie shrugged helplessly as she looked at him. "I'm selfish in that respect, okay? Just ignore me."
Riley put his tea down and tucked his hands in between his knees so he couldn't see his wrists. Mostly he forgot about the scar, but it was still there. It always would be. "I'm not going to... if this is about that time... I won't do that again," he promised. "Not now."
Evie twirled a lock of his hair around her finger, before she stroked the side of his face. "Good, but no. This was more relationship end, than that kind of ending."
Riley sighed in relief and nodded. He wouldn't blame anyone close to him fearing he might try that again. It was nice to know they understood it had been a freak, terrified moment of his life where his brain literally just stopped working rationally. "Why would the relationship end?" he asked her, forehead creasing at the question.
Evie remembered that time all too well. She remembered how freaked she'd been, and even more so how scared Riley's sister had been. She definitely didn't want it happening again. "You just asked moments ago if we'd be okay if this one time failed. Sometimes children, born or unborn, or even not conceived can place strain on a relationship and push it to breaking point." Evie let out a slow breath. "I don't think we would ever let that kind of resentment build up, though. We're always able to talk about things."
Riley shook his head. "No, I didn't mean our relationship. I mean us, inside, emotionally. I remember how much it broke Lachlan and Tara when they were told he was infertile, but that was a shock to them. They weren't prepared for it. I won't lie, though. I have worried that if we can't, down the track, you might still want to. We're only young, afterall."
"Oh, sorry. There's still adoption. I don't need to have my own kid, sexy. I could quite happily commit myself to giving a child in need of a home. Adoption would probably take a while as well, so either way there's waiting involved. We can heal from anything, Riley. We've proved that. It all takes time. I just don't want us to miss out on our chance. We'll hate ourselves more for never trying," Evie said as she pushed her fingers through her blonde hair.
Riley was chewing on his thumb nail again. A common nervous habit for him. "You know that look on Lachlan's face when he came out after Tara had given birth to tell us he had a son, then kissed the janitor?" he asked looking up at her. "I want to feel like that. I want to know what that feels like."
Evie climbed onto his lap, and wrapped her arms around his fiance as she still gave him enough room to chew on his thumbnail. "You know that smile Tara gets when she talks about RJ... I want to have that."
Riley nodded, a small smile appearing on his lips. He knew that exact smile. Absolute, undiluted love and an awe that she even created something that perfect. "Maybe we should have two tries?" he suggested softly, albeit hesitantly.
Evie kissed his forehead, then kissed his cheek. "Maybe we should."
Words: 2507 | All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe