Are you the sweet vision of a lovers dream, or are you really as wonder as you seem
I have really made this thing my life, and right now my life isn't doing to good. I hate myself so much, I really do, I have never hated anything more than I hate myself right now. Yeah i know it's all "me me me" but would you rather your name be filling the space of "me", mmhmm I didn't think so, a few of you are probably happy I hate myself thinking "oh I like to see her suffer" or "Good, she deserves it." but right now around this time of the year...does anyone desrve all the pain that I've gone through? Do you even know how Much I hate the holidays because there is always someone in my family that fucks it up? Of course you don't because none of you know the "real" me the me that I hade because I don't want to keep my past infront of me, I don't want to always be so miserable and bitchy. I don't want people to hate me. I don't do well when I'm hated ...it scares me I'm a very fragile person, maybe too fragile.It's because of everything I have ever known..... all my life I have been told that I was a loser and I would never amount out to anything, that I won't get anywhere......where did I hear it from?.....My drunken father, atleast that's what he is most of the time, drunk...then he takes his angers out on me...no he didn't abuse me physically nor will he he is afriad..but he has abused me emotionally, mentally, and it hurts so much. My own father didn't believe in me or my brother for that matter. He didn't believe either one of us could do anything, that we wouldn't get anywhere. But I plan on proving him wrong, I'm not going to let him bring me down, I won't let it happen. God I would give anything to prove my father wrong. I really would. After tonight though I feel more worthless than ever, and I can't believe I let something like this bring me down, it's nothing but little middle school type drama, so fucking rediculous but hey I don't care I only lost a friend that at this time right now, doesn't even seem like a good one, becuase for some reason I can't help but feel like she has just lied to me. Just so she could possibly make me feel bad about whats been going on. It's not my problem it's hers and damn did she handle it wrong, very wrong.But I'm not going to let it get to me, I have more important things to worry about. In any case, I really am hating who I am, and who I was brought up to be tonight and it's not because of Annie or anyone else for that matter. I really hate how people will say one thing to you than say something toatally different to someone, no I didn't fucking lie to you Annie, I never said anything worse than what you could have said about anyone else...think about it.
As for now I'm just going to let it play out and continue on foom there, let's hope next year will be different. I think thats a long enough post I highly doubt anyone will actually take the time to read it. hmm...oh well.
For what it's worth...I Love You.....